moody, opinionated, & sometimes offensive

First Love

So many feelings.

Discuss your first love.

I feel like I’ve done this before. But there’s always a different angle to take on this, right? Instead of pondering on how my first love was fucked up, I can discuss it in a different light.

Like how he made me feel sexy. Made me feel desirable. How he simultaneously built up my self-esteem, self-confidence, and torn it down. Is that possible? I guess so. Because that’s what he did to me.

I was head over feet. I was wrapped around his finger.

There’s nothing like a first love. Your heart has never been broken, so you give yourself away freely. No holding back, no second-guessing. Well, yeah, there’s second-guessing, but it’s the not same second-guessing as it is once your heart has been broken.

It’s more of a second-guessing of, well, I don’t know. That might vary for person to person. For me, it was second-guessing on if I was ready to go. But then I had no choice, I was already gone.

I was so gone. I would do anything for him.

I realize now how fucked up my first love was. How one-sided it was. Actually even back then, I knew it was one-sided, but I swear that man had some sort of spell over me.

But it was fun. And heart-breaking. I was in love, and he wasn’t. But those little texts he’d send, “I can’t sleep, I miss you” melted my heart.

My first love taught me a lot. My first love opened my eyes to a lot. My first love torn off my rose-shaded glasses. And I’m torn trying to decide if that’s a good or bad thing. Yeah, one can’t live in a fantasy world forever, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have everything completely ripped from you at once. It leaves you reeling, spinning- questioning everything, your own sanity.

Or maybe I was just never as strong as I thought.

First love. Oh the feelings. Ain’t nothing like it. And that first heartbreak? Nothing like it either.

I Can’t Even

Think of 30 facts.

Post 30 facts about yourself.

Um. Is that even possible? I guess I’ll give it a whirl. But I swear someone needs to jump in and do this one, too. Just for the fun of it.

  1. I have hazel eyes. (I have received tons of compliments on my eyes, and how “they’re not brown but they’re not green either”, “wow! your eyes are amazing!”)
  2. I have lived with each of 3 older siblings.
  3. I am the 4th out of 10 kids.
  4. My birthday is 10-4. And if you don’t get that, 10-4, I have no words left to say.
  5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
  6. I’ve needed glasses since I was 12.
  7. I was homeschooled.
  8. I have never smoked.
  9. I don’t do drugs…never have either.
  10. I am strong-willed/stubborn.
  11. I read really fast.
  12. I have naturally curly hair. Everyone loves it…including me.
  13. Summer is my favorite season.
  14. Exploring…it’s the best.
  15. I’ve been to rockfest.

Okay, that’s half…and I’m dead. Are those 15 even all facts? I am done. I failed this challenge, but I don’t care. I really don’t.

Addmesnap.com

Actually, no, don’t go there.

I don’t even remember why I went to that site (and no, I didn’t include the actual link, but you can type it in and go there yourself), but I didn’t understand it right off. Call it a blonde moment.

I typed my username in, because I have this weird “obsession” to search for myself to see what I find. Well, apparently when you put in your username, it pops up for everyone else to see, and now I’ve been receiving a ton of snaps from strangers. Yes, yes I know I can change my settings to receive snaps only from my friends.

But it’s kinda fun seeing these thirsty guys.

I can’t figure out how to remove my username. So I will be changing my settings eventually. Probably tomorrow.

I have received so many snaps like “wanna see some dick?”, “wanna see what’s in these pants?” followed by a dick pic.

Seriously, omg. I can’t even.

And just now I received a video of a guy stroking his dick, followed by “you like?”

I’m dying here.

Zodiac Sign

I’m a libra.

Post about your zodiac sign, and whether or not it fits you.

Libra-6

So, here we go.

OK, first off. Omg. What the fuck. What website am I suppose to choose from? Like, every time I read something about a Libra, somewhere else says something different. Shouldn’t they all agree?

Well, with that said. Let’s go from this site.

Traditional Traits:

Diplomatic and urbane
Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable

and on the “dark side” traits:

Indecisive and changeable
Gullible and easily influenced
Flirtatious and self-indulgent

Well. I am certainly not romantic, easygoing or sociable. I wouldn’t call myself urbane either. Looking up the definition of diplomatic, I wouldn’t say it’s me truly, but I guess I can be, if need be.

Correction. I can be easygoing. But I wouldn’t describe easygoing as a main personality trait. And I definitely am a loner, but get enough alcohol in me, and I can be sociable.

I do like peace though. And a good argument, from time to time.

Ok, I give. I can be quite indecisive, and I do tend to change my mind a lot. Or no, maybe I don’t anymore. I use to. Not anymore. Or…yeah. Okay.

And it’s not that I am indecisive, just sometimes I get tired of always deciding, so I come across as indecisive.

Rest of those “dark sides” don’t describe me. Unless you ask my sister. Then yeah, I’m flirtatious.

“They have good critical faculty and are able to stand back and look impartially at matters which call for an impartial judgment to be made on them. But they do not tolerate argument from anyone who challenges their opinions, for once they have reached a conclusion, its truth seems to them self-evident; and among their faults is an impatience of criticism and a greed for approval.”

OK, that seems to sound fairly like me. I do disagree, somewhat, because I do love a good argument/discussion from someone challenging my opinions- in a respectful manner. But it is true, the truth does seem self-evident, and sometimes I’m like “what the fuck, how can you not see it!” but I think I do a good job of trying to understand others and their beliefs/opinions.

I can be pretty impartial though.

“Librans are sensitive to the needs of others and have the gift, sometimes to an almost psychic extent, of understanding the emotional needs of their companions and meeting them with their own innate optimism – they are the kind of people of whom it is said, “They always make you feel better for having been with them.”“

Yes, yes, yes. Well, I hope people feel better after having been with me. But I am sensitive to others needs.

“…and yet Librans can shock everyone around them with sudden storms of rage.”

Haha, yes. I have done that a few times in my 23 years.

Further on it states we don’t like coarse, dirty work- but I am a CNA and I wipe ass daily. I also was a janitor for seven months- cleaning toilets and emptying trash every day. I don’t mind dirty work.

I am a damn hard worker (I do have the occasional lazy day) and lazy workers piss me the hell off.

But I do hate violence, injustice, and while I won’t go so far as to say that I hate people who are slaves to fashion, it does annoy me. Like, just wear whatever the fuck you want.

Okay, let’s just end here. Because this picture basically sums me up.

libra

How it All Began

This complicated relationship of mine.

I mentioned before about how my boyfriend and I met that I puked on him, yet he didn’t just disappear.

April 2013, that’s when it all began. I hadn’t seen John Doe since September, and I was pretty fucked up. Getting drunk every weekend, cutting, having a few one night stands- then lying and telling everyone I was just fine. Right. Because cutting equals fine. Because getting drunk to numb my pain was fine.

About a month before, I met this girl, let’s call her Sara. We went out to this karaoke bar for a girl’s night. I wore this tight, black mini skirt, boots, and a loose blue top, see through in back. We walked in, and as was told back to me, my boyfriend “saw you the moment you walked in, and I had to talk to you.”

He sent his friend over to get us over. Me personally? I wasn’t interested. I wanted a girl’s night. Sara on the other hand, had us sitting with them. She and the friend had a similar personality, and we’re dancing. Which left me and the boyfriend sitting there. Awkwardly.

He later told me he didn’t know what to say because “pretty girls are always bitchy, and you were just sitting there not saying anything so I figured you were a bitch.”

Well, on my part, I’m like “great, another guy. And he’s just standing there!”

I felt so uncomfortable in my skirt and begged Sara to change. She wore leggings, that went with my boots. So we changed in the bathroom. I never did get my skirt back either.

Anyway, I don’t remember what I drank that night. More than just beer, I know. And the boyfriend and his friend kept getting us shots. I think I had about six before the bar closed. So we all go outside, and next thing I know he’s picking me up. Actually I don’t remember that at all…I just saw the pictures on my phone.

We ride with them to a house party. The boyfriend has a water bottle with vodka. Me, drunk, says hell yeah, why not? Sara passes, I drink.

We get to the party, and Sara and I go to the bathroom. I start feeling weird, and we go to kitchen to get me something to drink.

Next thing I know, I’m saying I need to sit down right now. Sara tries to get me to sit on the counter, and I’m like no…and I curl up on the floor. Of some random person’s kitchen, at a party. Yeah, I was pretty fucked up.

I could hear girls saying shit about getting me out of there (it wasn’t even their house, fucking bitches). I tried to say, but Sara says I never said anything, “shut up, you’re going to make puke if you keep talking.”

I blacked out from there, but Sara told me the boyfriend carried me outside. The friend went to get the car, tried to run Sara over. The whole time they’re fighting, I’m puking in the grass, shaking.

From there, I’m gone again. I remember waking up in the grass somewhere else, and Sara saying adamantly, “pick her up! Carry her inside!” he’s saying, “She doesn’t want me to!” and I’m trying to yell, “Leave me alone! It feels good outside.” (It was actually really cold, but I was drunk and miserable, hating myself.)

I guess he carried me up the stairs, and all that jostling…Yeah, that’s when I puked on him. He was carrying me upstairs to the apartment, and I vomited all over his clothes.

And that’s how we met. I left the next day wearing his friend’s pants (his apartment) and we had apparently exchanged numbers at the bar (I barely remember doing that…) and the next night we met up. I forgot to give the pants back, so we met up again.

And now, here we are. That’s how I met my current boyfriend. Embarrassing. But somehow he stuck around and fell in love with me. Go figure.

Oh, where has time gone?

I’m only just barely 23, but I feel old sometimes. Not like old, old, just old. If that makes sense.

Something that you miss.

I miss being a kid with no real worries and responsibilities. I always wanted to grow up because it’d be so cool and fun; I could do whatever I wanted, answer to no one.

I do, sorta, getta do whatever I want. If I can afford it, anyway. Which I typically can’t. I’m not even a college student, but I’m broke. Maybe it’s not just “broke college students”, maybe it’s “broke 20-something year olds”. That seems more accurate to me.

I don’t have to eat vegetables anymore. Which I don’t. Sometimes I eat corn. But I think that’s about it. No more green beans, onions, peas, mushrooms, meatloaf (yes I am aware that’s not just veggies listed).

It is fun, though, being an adult. I get to drive…I love driving. I couldn’t drive til I was 17.

But sometimes I still miss being a kid, playing with dolls with my sisters, or cars with my brothers. Riding my bike and playing cops and rubbers. Putting empty milk gallons on my bike to make a “gas tank”; wearing a poncho I found in the trash and riding my bike through massive water-mud puddles. Wearing goggles as I did so, and covering them in mud so I couldn’t see, and just hope I didn’t ride my bike into a ditch.

I miss the innocence.

Oh, but I did have one worry when I was a kid: swallowing my tongue while I slept. Don’t ask. There were nights I couldn’t sleep, I was so paranoid about that.

But I also like being a grown up. Most days. And I know at the beginning I said I feel old, but that’s not entirely true. Sometimes I feel way younger than 23. It’s weird. But I think people can relate to this feeling…right?

Why is that anyway?

Like how does confessing make you feel better? I mean, yeah, when I get shit out in the open I do feel some sense of relief. Are we like hardwired to just automatically feel better once we confess?

Whatever. I have two things to say here, and omg, I just want to do something!

First one!

About a month ago, I was simply searching on Plenty of Fish. I wanted to see if any hot guys existed on said site, make joining up worth it. There I am, scrolling through guy after guy after guy, when boom there is John’s fucking handsome face! I just stopped and stared.

What the fuck?! my mind screamed. Why is on here? And omg, why is he saying “wants to date but nothing serious”? Ok, no I get that, but heavens look, “relationship: single.” Facebook still says you’re in a relationship with the bitch you left me for.

I could understand if it was an old account, but it said “last active in the last 30 days.” Which means, he is lying. And he’s trying to find hot bitches to fuck. And that, most likely, he is cheating on his girlfriend.

Which also means…that bitch has nothing on me!

I always wondered what she had that I didn’t that made him ditch me. That made him stay with her. That made him have a baby with her. I mean, within 6 months of ditching me, this woman was pregnant! Did she just trick him, or what? Because in the six months we fucked, I didn’t get knocked up.

So yeah. I have a lot of mixed emotions. Like, I thought he stopped cheating. But it clearly don’t look like it.

Second thing.

I just discovered this not even two weeks ago. The family friend in Florida? He and his girlfriend broke up. I looked up flights down there, too expensive though. And I haven’t even talked to him in months.

But, what the fuck. Do I keep wondering what if, or do I reach out to him?

Ugh. Ugh. Fuck.

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