moody, opinionated, & sometimes offensive

Let’s Talk About Rape

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about rape. What is rape exactly? I know what it is. But then you get to the confusing lines- and maybe it’s not confusing at all, and it’s just me complicating things.

I don’t consider what happened to me rape. Everyone I’ve told does.

I was stupid. I let myself get drunk with a guy I barely knew. I allowed myself to stay the night in his bed. I didn’t reject his kisses, his touches. Sure, I told him I didn’t want him going down on me, but when he said it’ll be okay, I relented.

Then here comes the self-blame…which could be me muddling things. He sits up, and without me even realizing it, has no pants on, and is putting his hard cock inside me.

I said no, stop. I grabbed his biceps, and tried to push him off.

But then he got upset, and I let him fuck me.

Is that rape?

Everyone says it is.

Maybe I say it’s not because I blame myself for even putting myself in that situation. I blame myself for not fighting him more and making him understand I truly did not want to fuck, how much it hurt.

I cried while he fucked me. He never even knew, never even saw the silent tears trickling from eyes into the pillows.

I know if I know of that happening to someone in my life, or even a stranger, I would be angry. I would call it rape.

There are different types of rape, but it’s all rape. Brutal rape from a stranger. Rape from a guy a girl thought she could trust. Rape from a guy who intentionally got you drunk because you wouldn’t fuck him sober.

Rape. It doesn’t matter what extreme it happens in, it isn’t something you forget. It affects you, lives with you.

My Online Dating Story

I’ve honestly only met one person from an online site. It was through MeetMe, and he was actually pretty cool- at first. I’m reserved initially, but we hit it off, and soon we were bantering back and forth through text.

He also lived near my parents (where I grew up) and we met up in my hometown. My mom asked me who I was going to go see, and I felt some embarrassment about telling her how I met him. I don’t know about others, but for me, it felt desperate going online to meet guys.

It still isn’t me, and despite the fact it seems every guy I run into, knows each other, I can’t seem to go back to it. Not that I’m currently looking for a new relationship being pregnant, though.

Okay, back to the story.

We went to a pool hall, and had a few drinks, and played a few games. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed his company. Unfortunately, I felt no spark. He was really fun, and made me feel comfortable, but there just wasn’t any attraction.

We hung out a few more times, and one night we go back to his place to watch movies. Mind you, I was still innocent (not virgin innocent, I guess inexperienced is the right word). I hadn’t yet learned when a guy invites you to his house for a movie, it’s actually ‘let’s go back to my place and have sex’.

So we’re watching a movie, and one thing went to another, and we’re kissing. He was the first guy I kissed after John Doe, and seriously, all I could hear was John telling me I don’t want to be a slut.

He rolled on top of me, trying to take things further.

I felt pinned. I sorta freaked out. I stopped kissing him and told him to stop.

And he did.

He apologized. Said he respected me.

We hung out a few more times.

He told my sister’s boyfriend I came onto him. I found that out later, and I was irate. By that point, we had lost contact. And I’m glad.

I’ve talked to many guys on dating sites. I just never met anymore. I was suppose to meet up with this one guy, but he kept cancelling, and I always wondered why. Like, he’d cancel, but still hit me up. I get cancelling, and losing contact, but he didn’t. It was weird. Whatever.

Almost Finished

Remember when I started that writing challenge?

Yeah, me either. I’m near the end, and I decided since I want to write, but cannot think of anything, I’ll jump back in.

Write about an area in your life you’d like to improve.

I’d like to improve a lot of areas in my life.

Maybe I’m too hard on myself, too critical. Or maybe I know that I can be a better, more rounded person.

I’m not dissatisfied and full of hate for myself. I just know there are areas I could improve in. Like, math. And medical terminology. Healthy decisions.

But, I’d really like to improve on my general ungratefulness. Instead of grouching that something isn’t made the way I make it, I could just say thank you. After all, they took time out to make me something.

I just tend to take a lot of shit for granted, and it’s led to a rather ungrateful attitude. And out of all the areas in my life I could improve, I think that’s a pretty important one.

Lies My Sisters Told Me

That I foolishly believed.

Not exactly… I was a little kid. And by little, I mean 8 or younger. One is 6 years older than me, the other 4 years. So, obviously, I tended to believe the stuff they told me. And if I didn’t immediately believe, they went on and on and on about how they were right.

Like this one time…

I always wore socks. I literally only took my socks off to change them, and to bathe. It annoyed them, for some unknown reason. So one day, they confront me.

And their words, to the best of my memory, were: “If you wear socks all the time, your feet will get moldy.”

I didn’t immediately believe them. I responded back with I do give my feet fresh air when I change them or take a bath.

No, they told me, that wasn’t enough. They need fresh air over night or they will get moldy

After some time, they finally convinced me. I mean, a part of me always questioned it, but ya know, they were older and wiser.

I don’t remember when exactly, a couple years later maybe, I decided I no longer believed them.

To this day, I still always wear socks. In fact, I just got out of the shower, and immediately put a clean pair of penguin socks on.

I actually can’t sleep without socks. I tried one night- my socks had gotten wet right before bed (damn water on the floor), and just threw them in the laundry, and went to bed. I woke up constantly, my feet icy cold.

When I have sex, my socks stay on. Which is probably better for my partner because the few times I’d wear flip flops during the summer, and obviously, no socks, my feet would be cold. And I can’t imagine cold feet really help the mood. Plus, if my feet are cold, I don’t really enjoy sex.

My feet are always cold. Hence, the socks.

I typically only wear flip flops when I’m going swimming, or when I wear a summer dress, and they just look better with the dress than my tennis shoes.

Oh, and I think feet are gross. So I just prefer to cover my feet. Although, I do have perfect feet…For ya know, being grown up feet. Baby feet are cute. But that’s it.

Something Like a Fling

But not really a fling.

So in one of posts about a month ago, I mentioned a guy who I’ve known and how we have a flirty relationship, and how he’s a good, long time friend of the boyfriend. I said I’d write a post about him, and here it is, nearly a month later.

Let’s call him B, for the sake of giving him a name and making this post easier to write.

B and I met shortly after my 21st birthday. My new-found bar, was his bar. He was hot, kinda reminded me of John Doe, and we all know how in love I was, and how much I missed him. So I sat on my barstool, and drank my alcohol, glancing over at him playing pool. I apparently caught his eye, too, because he kept glancing at me.

To be fair, I didn’t know he was seeing anyone, and I don’t remember (too much alcohol) when I even found out he was. But hey, I was an expert in being the second woman, right?

One drunken night led to many at this bar. I have no idea which night came first, but some of these conversations are what came of my drunkenness:

B: I’d hurt you.

Me: I can’t be hurt anymore.

B: No, my dick. It’s too big, it’d break you.

Me: *laughs* Ok, right. See ya then.

I walked away.

Another night…

B: I really want you to come home with me.

Me: Sooo take me home with you.

B: I can’t…she’ll get mad.

Me: I don’t mind sharing.

B: *big smiles* A threesome, really?

Me: *shrugging* Yeah why not?

B: *smile fades* I’ll ask. I don’t know if she’ll go for it.

He goes and asks her. Although I’ve always wondered if he truly did or not…

B: She said no.

Me: Ok.

He says something about really wanting me, and I told him to convince her. The night is ending, and I decide to head home. I find him, and give him a hug.

Me: *whispering in his ear* It’s too bad, I’d be the best fuck you’ve ever had.

I was super drunk, and I know I said something really similar to that, and to this day, I still laugh with embarrassment. And I have no idea what he said. Too drunk.

Another night….

Me: I don’t remember what I said last weekend…but I’m really embarrassed.

B: Don’t be, it was hot.

Me: No…I feel really dumb.

B: It was hot. Wanna suck my dick in the bathroom?

Me: Uh no. I wanna fuck it, and if I suck it, I won’t get to.

And that is our “history” the boyfriend knows not of.

So when the boyfriend makes jokes about us and them swinging, B just smirks at me. It’s embarrassing… Or when the boyfriend makes comments about me being kinky, and B just stares… It’s awkward.

The nice thing is knowing he still wants me. And I don’t want him.

The embarrassing thing is knowing I was such a stupid drunk.

On the bright side, his girlfriend finally likes me.

Condoms

Or rather the lack thereof.

Ok, so first off. I know I have been absent lately. I’ve been sick. I was seriously hoping to be one of those women who don’t get morning sickness, but alas, not so lucky. Then, I got a cold. I’ve barely been sick all year, and now, pregnant, I get sick. It has made me miserable. I am exhausted all the time. Smells, like food and perfume especially, make me want to vomit. I literally wore a mask at work all day because it was overwhelming.

I called in Tuesday, because I couldn’t stop throwing up. I hate calling in, but when you’re throwing up every hour or two, you aren’t going to be productive at work. Plus, I decided an extra day of rest was needed. And indeed, by Wednesday I had a little energy to which I went to work with,

But anyways. Enough about sickness.

I’ve been thinking lately about being pregnant. The boyfriend had, jokingly, said I wanted to get pregnant since I wasn’t on birth control. That pissed me off.

First off, he knows that birth control seriously fucks me up. It makes me incredibly depressed. Makes my moods worse (I already tend to switch back and forth on my moods, but add birth control to it?).

Secondly, I have asked him several times to use condoms. He just says he doesn’t like condoms, sex doesn’t feel as good- all that shit guys say.

It is not JUST the girl’s responsibility to use protection. Obviously, yes, girls can take birth control. But what about the girls who are negatively affected by it? Or the girls who don’t believe in it? Why can’t the guy use a condom?

I know condoms aren’t sure-fast. But neither is birth control. Especially if it’s not taken daily, or the same time. Which I could never remember it at the same time.

Guys act like it’s only a girl’s responsibility. It’s not. It takes two to get pregnant. And I’m sick of hearing guys using their excuses. Well sex with condom is better than no sex, right? Too bad I, and more girls, don’t put our foot down and actually say no til he pulls on a condom.

Snow in the Midwest

And bitchy-ass people.

snow 1

Okay, we get it. The north clearly gets more snow than the south. And I wish people would fucking realize that, and stop saying this:

snow 2

Let me explain.

The north is used to a lot of snow. Those drivers grew up with a shit ton of snow. They grew up driving in it.

My Alaskan friend drives totally different than me on a messy, snowy road. I spent a month up there one winter. The majority of Alaskan drivers drove differently than Midwest/southern drivers. Because they deal with it every year.

I am so sick of hearing about how southerners freak out about snow, blah blah. We didn’t grow up with the same cold, same amount of snow.

Crazy thing is…northerners turn around and complain about the heat and humidity. My Alaskan friend thinks where I’m at is just unbearable.

Well, I think their snow/cold is unbearable. Which is why she and I will probably never live in the same state.

People need to understand states experience different extremes of weather. And that’s okay.

Omg. I need to stay off Facebook. I get so irritated.

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