moody & sometimes offensive

Written Words

Can change your life.

Dear Abbi,

the letter began, something so typical I didn’t even  but skim the flowing cursive.

I can only sit here and cry with regret as I remember your parting words. It’s been over two years since you last contacted me, and I know it’s my fault. I was so hateful; unsupportive. If only you knew of my regret.

I felt my heart clench.

I finally found your address, and wanted nothing more than to drive halfway across the country to see you myself, but I paused. You have built a new life, pursued your dreams, and I want nothing but the best for you, and I fear my return would only upset you. So I’m writing you this letter, with my sincerest of apologies, with the hopes one day you’ll forgive me. I love you more than anything in this whole world. I wish I had remembered that before my cruel words sent you away.

I suddenly felt like an intruder, as the writer spilled their heart on the notebook paper. Such fancy writing looked out of place on regular, WalMart cheap paper.

So Abbi darling, please forgive me. Please know that I love you. That I’m deeply sorry. I cannot imagine living life without my only daughter speaking to me ever again, but I won’t force you in any way. I hope this letter reaches you…

                                                                     With all my love, mother

I looked at the date of letter, three years ago. How had I finally found it now? And what happened that this mother never mailed this letter to her only child?

Tears stung my eyes. I myself had left home, but when I returned, my mother had passed from cancer. I never got to tell her how sorry I was; that it wasn’t simply her fault alone. I was to blame, too.

I straightened my back, nearly banging my head on the stairs. How her letter ended up in the cubby-hole under the stairs, I’d never know. I had been living here for over a year, and just now found the letter… What if it were too late?

I looked at the address on the envelope. What if the daughter had moved?

I crawled out of the cramped space. Maybe they had been reunited and didn’t need the letter.

Or maybe they did, and I should mail it. That’s the least I could do for a seemingly still broken family.

And with that final thought, I hurried upstairs to my desk. I attached a note of my own, and then sealed both the note and letter inside. I placed a stamp on it, and hurried outside.

Forgiveness was hopefully possible for this family. I never had such closure, and wanted it more for this mother and daughter than anything ever before.

 

Writing 101, discovery of a letter.

 

All of the above is fictitious. I actually did once find a letter when I worked as janitor a few years ago. I kept it, somewhere. It was a woman begging God to know why she was here; how could she raise her kids, etc. It broke my heart, knowing somewhere in the building which I cleaned, was a woman so depressed, but not knowing how to seek help. Lost, but scared to find a map for fear of being a failure; fear of ridicule.

I prayed for her every night. I passed it along to my mom, and she prayed for her every night. I never knew which woman it was. I have no idea if things ever improved for her.

But sometimes written words have a stronger impact than spoken words. Because written words have a harder time lying.

Celebration of Song

Or songs, whatever.

Head Over Feet by Alanis Morissette holds memories that I should probably forget, but simply cannot. I recall I’ve mentioned this song before, but it’s one of my favorites, and with it comes memories also.

Its meaning to me, is that, well…No matter how something starts out, it can end up becoming wonderful.

Alanis sings about her friend with benefits becoming more than just a lover. That what started as sex, turned into something greater. And at first it simply related to my life at the time. My friend with benefits situation grew past sex, and feelings changed. (They also died, but that’s really not the point.)

I Still Believe and Walk by Faith are both by Jeremy Camp, and go hand-in-hand. These two songs literally helped me through the death of my baby brother. I would cry my eyes out as I listened to them. No matter where I was, I would cry if I heard these songs play.

Now, seven and a half years later, I hear either one, and all my memories come flooding back. I don’t cry anymore when I hear either one, unless it’s been an emotional day anyway, but I do definitely remember everything from that time right after his untimely death.

Those songs mean comfort.

Awesome God by Rich Mullins will be the third song. I know, what’s up with all these Christian songs? (Minus Alanis, but still, this makes three mentioned in a single post.)

I would take walks with my mom, and we’d sing. This was one of our favorites, and every night, we’d walk, talk, share…and sing. I miss the closeness we once shared, but I guess sometimes things change.

It was wonderful, being so close to my mom. I always think of her and our walks and singing when I hear it, and I wonder if she, too, remembers. I know the song is about God, but its meaning always goes a little further to me. It’s God, and fond memories of my mom.

Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

With long brown hair that hung in loose curls, hazel eyes forever framed by blue-rimmed glasses, she didn’t picture herself pretty. She continuously compared herself to every other girl, never quite measuring up.

And not just in the looks department, but her innocence. She was so innocent, naïve. She had yet to learn the ways of the world, how heartless and unfeeling people could be. She trusted your word; if you said it, you surely must live by it.

Because in her world, why would you lie when the truth was so much easier? Her world was pretty near fantasy.

Until the day she met him.

Months trickled by before she finally sought him out after that initial meeting. Things went awkwardly at first, and she left full of embarrassment. Instead of being turned off to the idea of putting herself out there, she drew confidence from it. After all, what was life if you never pushed past your own insecurities?

Another meeting turned into another.

Her innocence started to wear on her. How could she keep his interest if they shared nothing in common? She took the offered beer. The first time she ever gave in to peer pressure was that can of Budlight, offered to her in some strange man’s home.

Then came the vodka. And with it, pieces of her innocence lost, riding on the wind.

She’d never really been kissed, but then that night came it finally happened.

“Stay the night,” he said softly.

She blinked at him. “Are you sure it’s okay?”

He simply nodded, and she agreed. Just like that. It felt daring, agreeing to stay the whole night at a man’s house, in his bed. Pushing herself, seeing how far she could go.

They lay in bed, and she feels him touch her gently. She turns into him, and his finger is lifting her chin. His lips caress hers. Her heart quickens.

So this is a real kiss! Her mind screams. She can barely breathe, catch her breath.

He deepens the kiss, his tongue doing things she’d only ever read about.

His hands grasp at her breasts. Her breathing hitches.  His hands trail lightly down her stomach, to between her legs.

She pulls back. “No,” she whispers, “I’m a virgin…I don’t feel comfortable going any further.”

Her face flames red in the dark lit room. What must he think of her?

He kisses her a final time, and lays down.

In the morning, she drives home, replaying the entire scene in her head. Her head whirled. Things had never been so exciting. Her life was finally gaining something worth sharing. She was finally getting out and doing more than just reading books and writing.

Until she stopped and remembered her whispered confession. He wouldn’t ever talk to her again, she just knew it. But, she comforted herself, she had finally stepped out of her box, and gained a little more experience.

Her innocence, well she was shrugging it off like a winter’s coat in spring.

Words of Wisdom

Words to live by.

Is a faith without action a sincere faith? a quote by Jean Racine.

I honestly never even heard of Jean Racine, that I can recall. I was skipping through one of my old notebooks, and found this quote written out on an otherwise empty page.

The words seemed to jump at me, and I was left speechless. I grew up in a Christian home. I tried to be Christ-like- loving, caring, forgiving. I read my Bible, I prayed.

And then my baby brother died, and I was left numb. My prayers seemed unanswered. My Bible lost its appeal. Yet, for another 4-5 years, I kept the title of Christian, I kept pretending I felt the same. In hopes, everything turned back to normal. But does life ever go back to normal after the death of a loved one? Or do you simply learn a new normal?

My faith was no longer sincere. And without the sincerity behind it, I grew lost. And then I found sex and alcohol. And God seems further away than ever.

I honestly don’t care what others believe, what path they find. But this quote holds true- no matter what “faith” one has, if there is no action, how sincere is it?

In Christianity, acts do not save you, it’s by faith. But because of your faith, actions follow. I think in some religions, acts save you. And that’s fine, I’m not here trying to tell anyone what to believe. Rather, my question is the same as Racine’s question, “is a faith without action a sincere faith?”

It can be applied to love, too. “Is a love without action a sincere love?”

And there’s my rambling thoughts of challenge number nine, post some words of wisdom that speak to you

I hate it.

Something you struggle with.

I feel like I could take day 8 challenge into different directions. I was originally going to go like way personal, and admit something entirely different, but I think I’ll just go with this.

I struggle with math, horribly so. I have always found algebra fascinating, and wanted to learn it. In fact, I spent my last two years of schooling, focusing on algebra. Needless to say, I didn’t make it far with it. I simply didn’t understand it once I reached a certain point.

Well, I bought a book- full of 5 TEAS practice tests. Upon completing the mathematics section, I realized, without a doubt, I couldn’t pass the math. I mean, I did manage to pass the GED, but I scored high enough in the other subjects, I got by. I didn’t care about my GED score, it didn’t affect anything.

But my TEAS score? I need a high score to get into the nursing program I’m looking into. So, I’ve been looking for math books. I finally found the idiot’s guide to basic math and pre-algebra. Don’t laugh- I did say I struggle with it.

Some of it, like scientific notations, I immediately remembered and caught back on real quick. I need some refreshers before I actually move onto the parts I could never learn.

So I’ve committed to an hour of math a day. Although I did fail that, and only do 40 minutes yesterday. In my defense, I had had a long day at work, been up early, and I had a headache.

I’ve always struggled with math, but it wasn’t until recently, that that struggle actually needs to be confronted, and tackled.

Music

Something we all relate to.

Day 7 in this challenge, and I actually feel challenged! List 10 songs you’re loving right now.

Right. So I’m going to sit here and rack my brain trying to come up with ten fucking songs. Whoo!

First off, would be:

  1. Games by Cassie Steele. Just something about it…omg. I love it.
  2. Heartless by the Fray. I listen to almost every.single.day.
  3. Black Tears by Jason Aldean. It hits me right in the feels. Okay, I actually hate that saying, but sometimes ya just gotta say something you hate because it’s catchy. But yeah, it’s a good song.
  4. Wasting all These Tears by Cassadee Pope
  5. Superman by Five for Fighting. I could sing it all day long, every day!
  6. Love by Jana Kramer. I love that woman!
  7. Bottoms Up by my future husband (haha I wish!) Brantley Gilbert
  8. Callin’ me When I’m Lonely by Sheryl Crow
  9. Tom Sawyer by Rush. I heard it one day, and was like, omg, this song is awesome!
  10. Broken Hearted Girl by Beyoncé. Because I think of the Chloe-Oliver video someone created, and I love them, and the clip featured this song, and it was heaven. I can’t find the video now, a few years later, but I do remember it!

Boom! Ten songs! How completely true this is, I don’t know. It’s not in order of love, by any means. If I were to sit here and think some more, I’m sure I could think of other songs I enjoy more right now, but I think I’ll just leave it. Those are all good songs anyway. So whatev.

9-11 Rant

Because sometimes, ya just gotta.

I watched a Youtube video, and it just rubbed me the wrong way. In his brief summary about the video, he states, word for word ’cause I copied and pasted:

On September 11th, 2001 a horrible tragedy occured that Americans will not forget for some time… now what about the tragedies around the world that claimed far more lives? What’s that? You don’t care? Country of origin does not define one’s value.

And okay, I get it. Other countries suffer their own tragedies; lives are lost in other countries. And maybe America should mourn with these other countries 13 years later. Or maybe sometimes people need to realize, that as years pass, the only ones to actually hold the date in mind, is the country, the people involved.

Maybe Americans are selfish. But anybody remember Columbine? How many people today actually sit in remembrance that day. How many of us actually still grieve? Most likely, just the people directly affected by it.

And so it is with 9-11. And I don’t care if you call it an inside job or believe it was terrorists- it doesn’t fucking matter who did it. Lives were lost, America still remembers that day. But to claim America doesn’t care about anybody else is bullshit.

Because unless it’s your direct pain, your country, or your town- eventually it becomes a distant memory. Because it didn’t affect you!

The Sandy Hook school shooting- people moved on. Except the parents who lost a child; except the brother or sister or aunt or uncle- the immediate family, the ones immediately affected, the town. They will never forget. And when that anniversary date rolls around, it will be remembered.

The day my brother died will fucking be remembered. Why don’t I remember the dates of other babies who died because of Trisomy-18? Because their death, while heartbreaking for the families, didn’t hit me. I read stories of other families loss, and I even cry. But months later, I don’t remember the date.

Just because we don’t hold another date in mind, doesn’t mean we don’t ever think about some other country’s loss. I don’t know about you, but I remember 9-11 outside of just the anniversary. I think about other tragedies outside of their anniversary date.

So to make a video mocking 9-11 and the some 3,000 lives lost because we don’t hold a day for another country’s loss is disrespectful. His rant at the end could have been the whole video, and would have been okay. The rest though? Nah, I didn’t like it.

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