Stopped and realized:
I AM THE FUCKING PROBLEM
That is honestly such a wretched feeling. It makes me want to just stop thinking those horrid thoughts, and go back to blaming the other person.
I mean c’mon! I’m perfect, how can anything actually be MY fault?
But it’s true. I do pick fights. I do yell and bitch and snap every.single.day. I do tell him he needs to just shut up because I can’t take another word.
I join in with other girls (albeit, in my head and not all over social media and to anyone who will fucking listen) that I want a genuine, nice man. Well I’ve found and got a super great guy. I found the man who wants to do, and does do, anything to make me happy. He has dinner ready for me after work if I ask. He surprises me with breakfast in bed. He voluntarily does my laundry.
And he’s tall, dark, and handsome. Okay, not drop dead hot and he doesn’t have a six pack. I don’t need a six pack though, as long as your belly fat don’t hang over your pants. And his doesn’t.
The problem is me. I know this. I’m admitting this. I’m honest to goodness trying to work on bettering myself. Not just for him, but for me. I don’t want to be true bitch to the core. I want to be a bitch when it’s required. And damn it, it’s not required nearly as much as I act a bitch.
I’m trying to apologize, something I never fucking do.
I’m trying to hold my tongue, hold back the hateful words that are nowhere near necessary.
I’m trying to leave the room before I go full bitch mode. It’s better to walk away for a few and calm down, then stand there and yell hateful, hurtful words.
I’m trying to become a better woman. For him, for me. Even if we don’t work out, I don’t want to leave a bitter memory for him. I don’t want to be a bitter memory.
I don’t want someone glad I’m out of their life. I want them to remember me with happy thoughts, even if they miss me.
I don’t want to be a bitch all the time. I want to be a good woman with a hint of bitch when it’s truly needed. Not a bitch with a hint of a good woman in there.
This is me, admitting my terrible flaw. This me committing to working on it.