moody, opinionated, & sometimes offensive

For My Future Children

And I shall have many of you!

I’m going back to the writing challenge on this one. What are three lessons you want your children to learn from you?

It’s not easy to pinpoint three things- thank heavens it don’t hafta be the top three things. It’s not something I ever really thought about. I mean, growing up I’m always thinking “I won’t do that with my kids” or “I’m going to remember (insert) for when I have kids!”

I know that parenting isn’t easy- kudos to the parents who are actually parents! And I know when I do actually have kids, everything will change. I won’t be perfect, despite everything I’ve gathered into “do’s” and “don’ts”. You can have a list memorized, but once that kid is there…I don’t know. I just can’t imagine an imperfect person can raise someone perfectly. Parents will make mistakes.

useful experience: something that acts as an example, punishment, or warning by teaching something not previously understood or accepted

new or better knowledge: some useful knowledge or sense that results from direct experience

Dear Future Kids

Lesson 1

It’s okay to want to make your own mistakes. I’d like for you to just listen to mine, and avoid them, but I understand the need to do for yourself. You will hear learn from history a lot. And in some cases, yeah. Like, let us not let the Holocaust happen a second time; let us not allow slavery to be legal again.

It’s okay to learn through your own experiences. I’m still going to love you…even if you go out drinking every weekend. Or have sex with an unknown number of partners.

But I want you to know that some things you do, they will cause hurt, pain, regret. If you’re like me, you’ll regret drinking the night before when you’re throwing your guts up the next day.

Some people will tell you to have no regrets because what you did, you wanted to do at that time. But please, don’t believe that bull shit. If you want to kill someone, it doesn’t mean you should. But if you did, you should regret it, despite wanting to do it at the time it occurred.

Experience life for you. Maybe think twice about some things- like drugs, unprotected sex, and driving drunk for examples. But know that even if you don’t do things differently than me, I will still love, mistakes and all.

Lesson 2

Be YOU. Don’t let people dictate who you can be. If you want to read true crime fiction all day and creep everyone out with serial killer facts, do it. Don’t let people make you feel dirty or sick.

If you want to go do something crazy and people laugh at you, don’t let them stop you. You are you, and you are special. Unique. The only you the world will ever have. So be you.

I know sometimes you’ll question who YOU are, and that’s okay. We all do sometimes. If something feels wrong, don’t do it. If you want to do something, but people mock, do it. Fuck them. You gotta be true to you.

Just because everyone else is doing something, doesn’t mean you have to. It’s perfectly fine to go against the grain; go off the beaten path. It’ll make you stronger.

Lesson 3

Nobody is perfect, not me, not you. But as long as you do your best, that’s good enough. It won’t always seem like it some days when your boss is nagging on you or when I tell you to try harder.  If you are doing your utter best, don’t sweat the boss. If you’re doing your best, tell me. Because I was a kid once, and I know that sometimes we’re lazy and we lie.

You don’t need A+s to make me happy; I need to know you did your best. And if you can’t get your grades up, I’ll know you’re just not learning the material. But give your best, and don’t give up.

Don’t give up, please. Never stop being the best you can be even when others around you are getting by with mediocre work. Don’t be like them, be better. No, you won’t always be rewarded, and sometimes it’ll all just seem quite unfair, but don’t let it stop you. Because at the end of the day, you’re going to feel good knowing you gave your best.

 

The end.

Sore Muscles & Chest Pain

Make for an interesting day.

So I’m using my phone for this post due to my internet being funky.

Anyway.

Nobody told me pole dancing kills your biceps and your lower abdominal muscles. Holy shit.

It just gets me how sore my biceps are from Monday’s pole dancing lesson. Like, I pick up people every day! I’m constantly using my bicep muscles. Yet pole dancing worked them extra good.

And when I woke up Tuesday morning, and I went to sit up, my lower ab muscles protested. Ouch! I didn’t even feel them being worked while I practiced the three pole moves the instructor gave me. Yet apparently it worked them.

I’m all for a good workout that leaves me with sore muscles. I was just surprised. Very surprised. I guess one could say I didn’t realize exactly how hard pole dancing is…and I wasn’t even doing hard or fancy moves!

But aside from that fun stuff, I had a doctor’s appointment Tuesday afternoon. I hate going, but last week I was having very bad irregular chest pain, and my mom encouraged me to go get checked out.

She informed today before my scheduled appointment that even though I haven’t had the pain in a couple days I should still go. Apparently my dad’s mom died from heart problems, which is hereditary. She died in her 30s.

So, all week I wasn’t worried, is that normal? Not to worry despite severe chest pain? But when she told me that my first thought was “oh shit…I don’t want to die yet.” And then “I don’t want heart problems that weaken me and to determine what I can/cannot do.”

The doctor recommended I take 200mg of ibuprofen 2-3 times daily for 7-10 days. If that doesn’t help, I’ll go back for further testing.

The reason behind that is he thinks it’s chest wall pain, and something about that’s caused by inflaming…or something. I just know I’m taking the ibuprofen for its anti inflammatory.

From there, I went to the mall with my friend, and used the Sephora $100 gift card my Alaskan best friend sent me for my birthday. Damn, I love make up.

And then I spent the rest of my night cleaning my living room and bedroom with the boyfriend. It looks soo much better.

But now I need to sleep…work tomorrow. And overall, I had a pretty damn good day off!

Try Something New

Every once in awhile.

Today I got up early (for me), and took the boyfriend to work. He really needs to get a hardship license, but that’s up to the court. Not me.

Then I came home, showered, and dressed. And headed downtown to a pole dancing class. You see, I’ve wanted to learn to pole dance- for fun, I don’t want to be a stripper- for about a year now. I was just talking, really too chicken to try it. I have a comfort zone, and I really have to push myself out of it sometimes.

Over the summer, this place that offers pole dancing, among lots of other classes strictly for women, was offering a discount off the usual month cost. So for a month of unlimited classes it is $60, but I paid $22. The offer expired November 5th, and I bought it in July. See? I put it off ’til almost the expiration date. I mean, the money I paid could be put towards the $60 if I didn’t use the promotion during the time it ran.

I finally went today. And it was fun. I sucked, but it was fun. I learned three moves, all pretty basic. While I practiced the moves over and over, the instructor, and a fellow instructor just hanging out, did all these cool pole moves. Like, wtf.

I have a month of classes, and now that I got the first one over with, I think it’ll be easier going. That first time is always scary.

Torn to Pieces

This song though.

Third One Night Stand

I’ve actually mentioned it before.

My third one night stand was with the guy who had a fat dick and called me a virgin.

It was March, 2013, only a few long months since John Doe left me (why does everything go back to him? Fuck.). I was at the bar I was going to every weekend- and that makes me realize all three guys I hooked up with were from meeting them at that bar. And to think I still go there… Thankfully, only one randomly still goes.

Anyways. I was sitting at the bar, drinking whatever it was I drank back then, and he kept making eye contact with me. When he left, he slid me his name and number, and I was drunk-ish, and when the bar closed I really didn’t feel like going home. So against my better judgment, I texted him. And went over.

He met me outside, and I must have been drunker than I realized because I legit do not remember where the fuck I went. We go inside, and sit awkwardly on the couch, just kinda talking. And that’s when I knew it was mistake.

I wasn’t drunk enough. At all.

His voice was annoying, he laughed way too much for a guy (I guess that sounds rude, but for real, he laughed at everything! If I said it, he laughed, if he said it, he laughed.). He took off his hat and he was just…ugly.

I went ahead and went with the kissing.

Again, I wasn’t nearly drunk enough.

His kisses were wet, slobbery. He was eating my face.

Somehow I still stayed. I let myself be taken to the bedroom. He pushed me down, and pushed my legs up, and he went down on me. And okay, I won’t lie. He was fucking awesome. The best oral sex I’ve ever had. Granted, my experience with it from John Doe left me feeling pretty amazing too, but I was so damn shy that it left me feeling awkward, too, and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have.

And then besides my boyfriend now, I haven’t had much experience with a guy going down on me.

After I got off, he asked if I’d suck his dick. I declined. I felt like maybe I shouldn’t, but on the other hand, I so didn’t want to be pressured either, and do what I didn’t want. Last time I sucked a random guy’s penis, I felt horrible. I felt like such the slut. I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t do that again, and so I refused even when he begged.

I then told him he needed a condom. He all pretended he knew that, and was going to use one. But even as he put it on, he’s complaining about how it doesn’t feel as good, and he won’t get off, blah blah.

Then he went in, and his dick was just so fat. So short. It hurt, and he saw me flinch, so he’s like “omg, you’re a virgin!”

That pissed me off, although I’m not sure why. “No, I’m not.”

That’s when he started laughing, all proud of his fat, stubby penis. “I guess the past guy must have been really small.”

Excuse me? The past “guy”? I had been with more than one (again, not sure why I cared…), and secondly, I had loved John’s penis. It was perfect.

I was done. I got up, and started dressing. He asked if I’d wanna do it again, and I’m just like, yeah…I don’t think so.

For months, he’d keep texting me, asking me to hook up. I told him I had a boyfriend (I met him a month later). He still asked. He’d see me at bars, and just fucking stare.

Finally, he’s stopped. And I haven’t seen him in awhile. But damn.

Celebrity Crushes

Don’t we all got one?

Post about three celebrity crushes.

So, I don’t actually get into celebrities. Like I don’t follow their lives in check-out lanes magazines. I don’t get obsessed. But I guess there are a few who I like just a little more than the rest…

I will actually do more than three…but since I failed at the “30 facts about me” I will allow myself to go over three.

Jennifer Lawrence

83rd Academy Awards Nominations Luncheon - Arrivals

This woman is gorgeous. And, no matter her hair style- she is still so fucking hot. I admit, if she’s in a movie, I will watch it. Just for her. I don’t even care what the movie is about. As for those nude pictures? Who cares. I didn’t go searching for them, but I find it stupid how people say she deserved it or some shit.

Jensen Ackles

jensen ackles

Just look at him. Omg. I love him. I got into Supernatural because of him, although now I watch it because it’s just fucking awesome. But he is super hot. And I even enjoyed his character in Smallville.

Justin Hartley

justin hartley

Oh, Oliver…I’ve only seen him in Smallville but by golly, I loved him. Look at that face…Yes, he is hot. And sexy. And would it be creepy or weird or wrong or nothing negative if I said I would totally agree to a threesome with him and Jensen? Because I would.

Channing Tatum

channing tatum

Ok, so I’ll admit I did watch Magic Mike just for him. He is pretty damn hot. And I loved him in Step Up.

And, as a bonus, but doesn’t really count because he died. But before that, he was my number 1.

Paul Walker

paul walker

I absolutely loved his role in the Fast and Furious movies. I loved him in any movie I seen him in. And even though I had John Doe always telling me he’s a horrible actor, I didn’t even care. He didn’t even want to watch a movie if Paul Walker was in it, but I demanded we do anyway.

Ashton Kutcher is pretty hot…and I always had a girl crush on Allison Mack (she was Chloe in Smallville). And there ya have it…my celebrity crushes.

First Love

So many feelings.

Discuss your first love.

I feel like I’ve done this before. But there’s always a different angle to take on this, right? Instead of pondering on how my first love was fucked up, I can discuss it in a different light.

Like how he made me feel sexy. Made me feel desirable. How he simultaneously built up my self-esteem, self-confidence, and torn it down. Is that possible? I guess so. Because that’s what he did to me.

I was head over feet. I was wrapped around his finger.

There’s nothing like a first love. Your heart has never been broken, so you give yourself away freely. No holding back, no second-guessing. Well, yeah, there’s second-guessing, but it’s the not same second-guessing as it is once your heart has been broken.

It’s more of a second-guessing of, well, I don’t know. That might vary for person to person. For me, it was second-guessing on if I was ready to go. But then I had no choice, I was already gone.

I was so gone. I would do anything for him.

I realize now how fucked up my first love was. How one-sided it was. Actually even back then, I knew it was one-sided, but I swear that man had some sort of spell over me.

But it was fun. And heart-breaking. I was in love, and he wasn’t. But those little texts he’d send, “I can’t sleep, I miss you” melted my heart.

My first love taught me a lot. My first love opened my eyes to a lot. My first love torn off my rose-shaded glasses. And I’m torn trying to decide if that’s a good or bad thing. Yeah, one can’t live in a fantasy world forever, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have everything completely ripped from you at once. It leaves you reeling, spinning- questioning everything, your own sanity.

Or maybe I was just never as strong as I thought.

First love. Oh the feelings. Ain’t nothing like it. And that first heartbreak? Nothing like it either.

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