Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday- or the 4th of July.

This Thanksgiving was really hard. Clayton and I had never actually spent the day together the past two Thanksgivings we were together. The first year I worked 1pm-10pm, and last year, he dipped out on dinner with my family.

But I was really, really excited. It was the first Thanksgiving with our daughter, and I was looking forward to actually being a family with him. We hadn’t yet discussed plans for the holiday, but I had assumed we’d spend part of the day with my parents and another portion with his family.

And then everything changed.

He is gone. Forever. And I’m having a really hard time grasping that.

We were by no means perfect. We fought all the time. I wanted to leave him so many times. I wanted to be done with him. I wanted to move on. But deep down? I truly wanted it to work. I did.

And I’m left here without him. Thinking, wondering, if I’d just been more something things would have been different, and he wouldn’t have died.

I spent Thanksgiving with my parents and siblings. I stayed distracted. Until night rolled around and it was time to put my baby to bed. And as I laid in bed nursing her to sleep, I cried.

Today was so hard. He literally never left my thoughts. I knew I wouldn’t be calling him and telling him about my day. I knew I didn’t have the option to drive to his apartment and lay in his arms.

Why didn’t we have more time with him?

I Miss You

‘Cuz I miss you

I wanna hear your voice over the phone

feel your arms wrapped around me tight

what I wouldn’t give to see your smile

to hear your laugh

just one more time

I miss your smile, your laugh

the sound of your voice

I miss seeing your blue eyes light up

I miss your phone calls

and it kills me on the inside

knowing I won’t see your name

light up my phone

I hate you’re not a phone call

or a car drive away

I miss sending you pictures of our baby girl

I miss stopping by to surprise you

Life just isn’t the same with you gone


What do you do

when your heart’s been broken?

and the one you turned to is gone?

and the ache in your heart

is an empty space

that only you could fill

The tear drops fall like a spring rain

as I’m trying to say a final goodbye

I can’t really believe you’re gone

it wasn’t suppose to end this way

and I’m sorry I failed you

I loved you

and we had our fights

and we had our issues

but I loved you anyway

I wanted to be a family

and I think we were finally

working our way to it

For the first time in months

we really talked

I was so excited

yet so afraid

I didn’t know what to do

we’d been down this road before

and maybe if I could’ve just

let the past go

you’d still be here

As I hold our baby girl close

I thin of your great love for her

and I remember your never ending patience

even as she screamed

You told me once you were afraid

to have a baby with me

that I’d be a great mom

but you’d fail as a dad

I didn’t believe it then

I don’t believe it now

you loved her with all your heart

you were by far a greater dad

than you gave yourself credit for

And I love

and I miss you

and I want you back

No More Questions

Death is a forever goodbye, and last Friday put an end to everything. The man I’ve loved and been up and down with since April 2013, the father of my daughter- was found dead in his apartment.

Tuesday the casket was closed, and we said another goodbye to his body. I wanted to hug him back to life. Or at least until an answer came. He was fine when I saw him Sunday, fine when we spoke Monday. How does one end up dead just like that?

I’m blaming myself. I should have done more; should have done something different. I shouldn’t have let his drinking bother me as much as it did.

I miss him so much.

Sure he drove me nuts, but I know it was mutual. Sure, I didn’t know what to do about us, but a part of me loved him. It wasn’t mad, passionate love. But I loved him.

It wasn’t suppose to end this way. He was suppose to get sober so we could be a family.

My heart is broken.

My daughter will never know her daddy. Oh, how he loved her so much. He never even got to hear her laugh.

He died alone. I should have been there.

I was trying to protect myself from being hurt again, and instead ended up not just hurt, but broken.

It Wasn’t Suppose to be This Way

I wasn’t suppose to care

but I did

I wasn’t suppose to miss you

but I do

I wasn’t going to let you in

but I did

And now you’re gone

and I’m alone

It wasn’t suppose to end like this

me, hurting

I miss texting you stupid, silly shit

you cared less about

I miss lying next to you

your touch making me shiver

I miss talking to you

the sound of your voice

Hell I just miss you

I wasn’t suppose to

I knew you’d leave me

for her

I knew it’d end something like this

but I wasn’t suppose to cry

No Surprise Here

I was suppose to be done with Clay awhile back. But duh, stupid me can’t stand firm.

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting back with him, and we’ve had some good talks about a few things. In the end, I know it won’t work, no matter how many talks we have. No matter how promises he makes to me.

He promised me while I was pregnant that once I have our daughter, he will quit drinking. Well, I had her. The drinking didn’t stop. He then promised me he wouldn’t drink around her. Yet he drinks around her nearly every time I’ve gone over. Nothing has changed. At all.

I’ve been considering an idea…That once she turns a year old, and he’s done nothing to get help to sober up (or have gotten sober) I will no longer see him. Or talk to him. I think that’s more than fair. He could see her when his mom has her, or if he ever decides to come see her. (I will eventually let his mom watch her for a little bit at some point.)

The last month I’ve seen him maybe four times? My car broke down, and therefore I can’t drive to see him, and he never comes to see her. Not seeing him is very helpful. Not seeing him is what I need to move on. I can’t move on if I’m seeing him- and I can’t let him take our daughter by himself if he’s not sober. Which means he can’t see her unless his mom has her.

I honestly want us to work so my baby girl has the both of us…together. Yet I honestly don’t see him changing either. And how long do I wait? How many chances do I give him?

I want to start the new year free.

He promised me he’d quit drinking when she was born; he didn’t. I don’t owe him a year.

It’s hard, even thinking about cutting him out of my life. I mean, sure, eventually I will allow us to talk- if he wants. But not for a good while. It’s hard because I know he trusts me, he relies on me to always be there for him. And it worries me he’ll get worse if I do this. But I can’t drown with him…can I?

Life is complicated…mostly due to our own decisions, I think.

My New Favorite Snack

Maybe it’s the breastfeeding, actually it probably is, but all I want to do is eat. Most of my day is spent thinking about eating. I literally have not been able to get full in over a month. It’s crazy. And kind of annoying. I bought a box of swiss roll cakes, I think it had six wrapped two-packs. I shared two packs and ate the rest…almost in an entire sitting. Thankfully, my weight is still the same before baby.

Speaking of which, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight within 3 weeks of giving birth. Oh to be young, and to have a high metabolism. And skinny genes.

Anyway. My new favorite snack: Graham crackers dipped in Nutella. Delicious!