moody, opinionated, & sometimes offensive

Breastfeeding

I know breastfeeding is full of pros. My mom and sisters talk about the joy of bonding with their babies in the past. I don’t feel that. It’s not to say I don’t enjoy nursing her sometimes, just holding her, rocking her, my finger clinched in her little hand. Because I do enjoy it sometimes.

But sometimes…sometimes it’s tiring. At first I had to use a nipple shield because she would not latch on the nipple itself. Well, the shield saved me the pain of beginning nursing. Well, without it now, breastfeeding hurts! It’s getting better some days. But then some nights, all she wants to do is nurse every hour or 45 minutes. And it’s so frustrating. My nipples hurt, I want to sleep…

I just don’t enjoy nursing like they do. I really thought I would. I feel guilty. And I wonder why I feel so guilty. It’s okay if I don’t enjoy it. I’m going to stick with it though because I can, and it is better for her. Do I look down on or think less of mothers who do quit? No, not at all. As long as they’re feeding their baby, it’s okay.

I’m also sticking with it because dealing with formula is even worse than nursing. The first couple of days I supplemented with formula, a very little, while I waited for my milk to come in. And getting up to go get it was so much more annoying. Popping out a boob is so much easier. I am very thankful I can nurse…even if I don’t always enjoy it.

I pump as well, trying to get a supply built up before I return to work (and I get to take off all this month too! she’ll be a little over two months old when I return to work). Pumping is even worse because I get so bored. So I’ve taken to watching Modern Family while I pump. It makes it much easier to deal with.

Sometimes I pump while nursing, even though I don’t prefer to. But it gets it done.

I love my baby girl.

#BlackLivesMatter

There are two reasons I don’t like the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter.

  1. I think it causes even more of a racial divide, and that’s not good. We’re trying to end racism. How can we end something if we’re focusing on the importance of black lives, while saying “white privilege” to the next? And, okay, what exactly is “white privilege”? I’m white, but in no way at all am I more privileged because of my white skin. I can still be creeped out walking alone in a bad area. Because white girls get raped, too. I don’t get paid more an hour because I’m white; in fact, I’d get fired quicker than a black girl because I couldn’t cry racism played a part in it. I’m honestly not getting what “white privilege” means. I’m not in college…because I can’t afford it. I could go on.
  2. Every single life matters. I know, I’ve heard it over a dozen times- “if you’re one of the people who say every life matters you’re part of the problem.” I don’t agree with that. Why? Because I am recognizing the importance of all lives and you’re focusing on black lives only.

This is not about ending racism and showing the value of black lives. Or at least that’s not what the media is doing. Behind the scenes, I’m sure- I hope- there is more. But what is being shown, and even from white black-lives-matter activists, it’s all I see. All I see is “police shoot black…”.

Excuse me, but when an officer is attacked by a black man, where are you, the activists and media, then? When a black man shoots another black man, where are the activists and media? When a black man rapes a white woman, where are the activists and media? When a black woman aborts her baby, where are the activists and media? When a black man kills a white man, where are the activists and media?

Oh right. The activists and media only focus on whites hurting/killing blacks. They ignore the rest. Because it doesn’t further their cause. They ignore black on black crime. They say black lives matter, they scream it from the top- but are utterly, totally silent on the thousands of black babies who are aborted. I thought black lives matter? Why so silent on those innocent deaths? (I know why for those who are pro-choice, but the ones who are pro-life- why are you silent about it, hm?)

I am not racist, although you may not believe me because I’m not in support of #BlackLivesMatter. I don’t care what color your skin is. And, I wouldn’t say that every black individual that has been the victim of a police shooting was done by a racist cop either. I know, I know. “Well whites don’t get shot, the police just arrest them.” Have you ever seriously stopped and thought that: this is a different police officer, a different city/state, and no situation is exactly the same? There are differences, some big, some small. If the same officer that shot a black person, was in another very similar situation only with a white person instead, and didn’t fire his gun, then yeah. Maybe he is a racist cop.

We got to stop saying every cop who shoots a black person is racist. That’s not true. Just like it’s not true that all cops are bad; you do have your good cops, too. Just as blacks don’t want to lumped into a bowl of “criminals” based off color, let’s not lump all officers into a bowl of “bad.”

I don’t believe we can ever end racism. I don’t believe we’re ever going to change some people’s hearts. What I hope we can end is racial violence (and this goes all the way across the board; black on white, white on black, including Mexicans, etc- all races can be racist towards any race and have racial violence).

Racial violence needs to stop.

We are all human; we all bleed red.

It’s Time to Have a Talk

This past week, I’ve made some decisions. A talk is in order.

I’ve decided I am done being used. I’m tired of feeling used, dirty, and worthless. I don’t ever want my daughter to be treated the way I am, and if she grows up seeing how I let men use me, well, it’s showing her that’s okay. And it’s not. I need to be a stronger person, demand respect.

I don’t know when I’ll see Clay next, as he works all weekend. He was suppose to come up and see his daughter the other day, but didn’t make it- again. Oh, somebody slit his tire the night before. Um, put a spare on or go get it fixed. That’s what I do when I’ve had flats. I don’t wait around for days. But then again I’m not an alcoholic with a Breathalyzer in my car either.

He says we’re friends. So, friends it will be. No more sex, no more blow jobs. No more staying the night, no more cuddling. The sex and blow jobs will be easier to adhere to than the latter. Because I love cuddling. But, alas, I am done. This time is the last time I’m saying I’m done.

He can be so sweet and loving, and everything I need. And then, boom. Gone. And I’m upset, disappointed, hurt, and angry all over again. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of him doing this to me- giving me just a little taste of what I so desperately long for, and then pulling back.

Those few hours of happiness, really isn’t worth the constant annoyance I go through. He cannot give me what I need as long as he drinks. And nothing will ever be more important to him than that fucking bottle of vodka.

Maybe that’s harsh. But I am honestly to the point I doubt he’s ever going to quit. He already can’t see his first daughter due to drinking, and he isn’t trying to shape up to make sure he’s in his baby’s life for good. I’ve already told him I won’t allow him to watch her.

Nothing has changed. I had hoped when she was born, that would be enough, but no. Alcohol is his world. He may say his daughters are, but they aren’t.

So I’m talking to him and telling him we’re friends. For real. Not friends…with side benefits. Because I’m not like that with friends. I’m not a touchy person with friends, maybe just a hug when I see them or am leaving.

It’s long past time I do this for me. It’s long past time I talk to him.

Words Can Damage

He tells me how beautiful and sexy I am, how amazing I am. That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m a good person.

But I’m not good enough for him. I’m good enough to have sex with. But I’m not good enough to date. I’m not worth having a “label” with. Because someone better might come along, and it’s an easier break if we’re not “really” together.

I wrote that in either July or August, 2013. But it doesn’t change the fact those words are still true to this day. I’ve heard the phrases “you’re too good for me”, “I don’t deserve you” and other lines similar several times. And those are such bullshit words. All it means is “I think you’re great…but not that great that I’m going to be a better person for you.”

That is damaging to a girl (and I suppose, for guys too, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to just focus the girl aspect of it). It tells her she’s this great person- smart, funny, beautiful- and how you’re this bad person undeserving of someone so wonderful. But then you keep using her!

You’re singing her praises, but won’t step up and be a person worthy of her. No, you just keep using her. And using her. And eventually the actions completely drown out those complimentary words, and hearing those words only bring hurt. You make her feel worthless, dirty, used.

Because instead of becoming the guy who deserves her, you just hold onto her, just close enough she sticks around in hopes you come around. Instead of letting some guy be lucky to have her, you tear down her self-esteem. Instead of making her feel like this wonderful person you say she is, you make her feel like shit.

It’s damaging to stay with someone like that, it’s such a foolish choice. When you stay with someone who is just using you for sex, yet declaring how perfect you are, it literally pulls you down. It makes you feel worthless. It tears you down, and you think that you’re the total opposite. Because, really, if you were all that awesome, wouldn’t this guy be making you his? Wouldn’t he do whatever it takes to be “deserving” of you?

He tells you over and over how lucky anyone would be to have you, yet turns around and simply uses you for sex. And you’re left thinking “anyone but him…?”

I don’t know why girls stay with a guy who is using them for sex. If he’s using you for sex, that’ll most likely never change. Oh, he can deny it over and over, tell you he really has feelings for you. And hey, maybe he does feel for you a little more strongly than the next girl. But in the end, things won’t change. He won’t change. Eventually, you’ll stop believing his words, even the words saying “I like you more than just having sex”, because his actions will prove to you what you really are.

Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of tearing you down, leaving you hurt, leaving you feeling like a dirty, used girl.

Or maybe that’s all just been my experience.

Doing Better

So, after spending a few days with Clay, I have resolved the conflicting emotions: I really don’t want to be back together. I do want him to stop drinking- for his own health, for his daughters.

My friend told me later that while we were there, he was “always” watching me. Which, felt kinda nice to hear. But at the same time, really? I never catch him looking at me, ever. He must be real, real subtle.

I am suppose to return to work in 3 weeks. The idea, just ugh. I do not want to leave my baby girl. I want nothing more than to be able to stay home with her. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do so. Maybe one day I’ll be married, and my husband is cool with me staying home. But for now, I have to work.

And that’s really all of an update I have for the moment. Just wanted to get it out there that I got my feelings cleared up. Thankfully. Oh! Except his mom wants to do weekly dinners. Does she know we’re not together? Because, if not, she needs to. I am not okay with weekly, family dinners. I understand she wants to see her grandbaby, I do, but at the same time- she never cared to get to know me before. And, in my honest opinion, I don’t think suddenly wanting to get to know me because I pushed out her grandbaby, is very nice. I was with her son for almost a year and a half before I got pregnant; always taking care of him when he’d detox, giving him a place to stay (supporting him the times he wasn’t working), went to the hospital while he was in there, etc. I have to have a baby before I’m good enough to get to know?

Oh wait. I doubt she even cares if I show up, just as long as the baby is there.

I’m sorry (not really) but if I had a son and his girlfriend was always there for him, I would want to get to know her. Actually, even for my daughter, if her boyfriend was a steady person in her life, I’d want to get to know him. But maybe that’s just me.

Too Many Feelings

I’ll be spending a few days at my ex’s, Clay’s, apartment this week. My friend from out of state is flying in, and she’s allergic to cats and here at my parents, we have three. Plus, he’d like some time with his baby girl. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I want to see him.

Ever since I had my baby girl, I’ve wanted to fix us so strongly. I know I don’t love him; I know we simply cannot work out while he’s drinking; I know that I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship with him. But for some strange reason, I really, really just want to be with him.

Even if he quit drinking, I wouldn’t be happy in a committed relationship with him at this point in my life. Maybe it makes me slutty, but I still want to have sex with other people. I want to experience a threesome. I want to explore sex so much more. And honestly, he doesn’t.

I had to bug him for weeks to go to a sex shop with me. I have to demand we try a different position.

He’s comfortable with himself sexually, he’s open to talking and watching porn and masturbating with me. But, for some reason when it comes to actually trying different things, he just doesn’t. Which is super frustrating, because at the beginning of us, he told me that by the time he’s done with me, I’ll be super experienced (because he’s been with a lot of women, I’ve seen his list, and knows like alll the positions).

Ok, great. Soo…when are you going to teach me these new positions??

As for a threesome…He says only if it’s with another girl. I said sure, but on the condition we later do it with another guy. Maybe porn has glamorized it, but I like the idea of two guys and me…He flat out refused, saying he couldn’t watch another guy fuck me.

So I asked, at a different time, if we could do an open relationship. Where we’d get one free pass a month to fuck someone else. He liked it for himself, but said no because it meant agreeing for me as well. Although he did say I was the only person he cared to sleep with.

I don’t want to go whoring around, but I do want to sleep with others. I want sex to be exciting, and more than just a release. I mean, I can get a release all on my own.

I want sex to be thrilling. Like the night with John Doe, when he said he’s going to strap me down and I laughed, not knowing he was serious. Feeling him pin my body down as I struggled beneath him, his arm stretching for the under the mattress strap. Being pinned down, followed by straps around my wrists was beyond hot.

And it only happened once.

Sex should be more than a release. No, every single time won’t be hot and exciting; it’ll be quick and fulfilling. But when nothing changes in over a year…well, yeah. I reached the point, I only had sex with Clay just because he wanted to. I literally had no desire for it anymore- at least sex with him.

So these feelings of wanting to be with him- they’ll pass. Probably within the first day at his apartment.

My Baby Girl

I finally had her, my adorable 7lb, 12oz baby girl. She has a head full of dark hair- just as I wanted! She’s a beautiful baby (that’s not just me speaking, a lot of people have said it, including my brother-in-law who told my sister he doesn’t normally find babies to be cute, but that she is a pretty baby).

I was induced on my due date, the 20th, due to my fluid being really low. I had hoped to go all natural, spontaneous labor and no pain meds. But with being induced, I opted for the epidural. I mean, why not, right?

My mom and the ex were there for her birth, although my mom left shortly after. He stayed all night, leaving in the morning, coming back in the late afternoon. Which actually irritated me because he was leaving for a “short nap” but was gone over 7 hours. Yes, our baby girl had stayed awake all night screaming (which, btw, when they tell you “let’s push this baby out so you can sleep” don’t believe them. I didn’t sleep until four hours after she was born, and then only for an hour.) but still…He needed the nap?? What about momma?

He really wasn’t annoying in delivery, but that could have been because I had the epidural. Oh, and another reason I took it- as the pain got worse, so did my attitude. I was becoming super bitchy, and my mom was kind enough to be there for me, and I didn’t want to be a bitch.

After birth, he did say something super stupid: “My back hurts from standing there” (I pushed for an hour and he and my mom both stood on either side of the bed at my head). Excuse me?? Shut your mouth. Ok, sure, his back probably did hurt. But I just pushed out a baby! And even with the epidural, which was starting to wear off btw, it hurt. I know not nearly as bad as it would have, but still.

I was soo excited to get home. He brought us home, and hasn’t seen his daughter since. I send a picture daily, and he’s called a few times. He was off work the last couple of days and was suppose to come up, but ended up being sick due to detoxing and couldn’t make it. He said he really wanted to see her.

I held back my response: “No, if you had you would have gotten sober before your days off so you weren’t sick on them.” He always gets sick, and needs at least a full day to recover.

Eight days old. First plan to come see her, and he missed it. The only one hurt by it is me, because she’s too young to know. If he doesn’t get sober, and when she’s older, I will not tell her he’s coming to visit and have her be hurt and upset when he doesn’t show because he’s “detoxing” for the millionth time.

Ugh.

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