moody, opinionated, & sometimes offensive

And He’s Married

It’s been a tough few days. Thursday it finally happened, the thing I knew was coming but dreading. I honestly was not expecting it to hit me as hard as it did.

John Doe got married.

I actually almost cried. If I hadn’t been at work upon learning of his marriage that day, I probably would have cried a little, before getting a grip. Instead, I just laughed at everything. I was so upset, and to try and not cry, laughing was the only other thing.

I fucking knew he would marry this girl- the girl he left me for. When they had their first baby boy in 2013, I was upset- they got pregnant within six months of him “leaving” me.

They had their second baby boy almost two months ago now. I didn’t know they were pregnant again, until like a month before she was due. I wasn’t really upset this time, just surprised. Their first boy had only just turned a year old, and now, a newborn.

It wasn’t like I was holding onto hope of us ever getting back together. I’ve known it was over since I saw the first picture of them together a month after the last time I saw him.

But he’s married now.

It seems so much more…final. I don’t know.

I felt like an idiot. I still do, because when I think about it, it still hurts. I still feel so sad, heartbroken.

I blame my emotional reaction on my pregnancy hormones. And on the fact I’ve been depressed the past couple of weeks. I go through bouts of depression fairly often it seems, and considering this month is the month my brother would have turned 8, but also the same month he died 8 years ago, it’s been rough.

That paragraph could probably use a rewrite, but screw it.

He’s finally married. And I’m still trying to convince myself that no matter what I did or said would have kept him. We just weren’t meant to be.

Will I ever find someone who makes me feel like he did, or is the feeling of first love never copied again?

A New Normal

I am now 31 weeks pregnant. I’m not trying to count down the weeks- but it’s kind of happening without me being able to stop. I’m really excited to meet my little girl face-to-face, to hold her tiny self in my arms.

I am enjoying being pregnant now though. It only took me til about 24-26 weeks to really start enjoying it. Living with the (ex)-boyfriend was just so stressful, that I wasn’t really enjoying it. I am now though. And feeling her move, wow.

Anyway.

Being pregnant also takes some getting used to. I’m a small girl, and I could always fit through the narrowest of places. I could get down on the floor, and jump right back up. My balance was perfect.

I’m a CNA, and that’s a lot of physical work. I’d squeeze past broda-chairs, get on the floor to plug a bed remote back in, bend over to put socks or shoes or a “pull-up” on someone, transfer a shaky resident no problem.

Yeah. Well, even though I’m not very big, getting down requires a moment to think about standing back up. Transferring shaky residents can be scary because my balance isn’t what it was. As for squeezing through narrow spaces? Yeahh, no sucking in a baby bump!

I can’t run down the hall to grab a change of clothes or something. The idea of walking down the hall tires me out. And I typically walk- the pregnant walk. The waddle. I can’t help it. I’m just so tired. I’m an energetic person, it’s so weird to have no energy.

One day I was driving home from I don’t recall where, and thought to myself, “I can’t wait to have her and have everything go back to normal.”

Then it hit me. While sure, I’ll get some energy back, my balance should return, I won’t have a bump protruding from my abdomen, blah blah, “normal” will never return. At least the normal I had. I will find a new normal.

Because having a baby changes your normal. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just something I realized. Sometimes adapting to change is hard for me. I don’t always dislike change, because I know it is a good thing, but yeah, if I’m honest it can be hard for me.

I will have a new normal, and it’ll take some adjusting to. Even though I’m excited and being a mom is something I’ve always wanted, it’ll still take adjusting. That’s just the way it is. Having a baby is a huge change.

And your normal will not be the same. You’ll find a new normal. And that’s perfectly okay.

Hating the Police…Why?

I really don’t understand the strong hatred of police. No, they’re not perfect. Yes, some are power tripping. Some are arrogant, and full of themselves. Some make rash decisions that are wrong. And some are good and honest men and women.

There is Facebook group for my area for DUI checkpoints (supposedly it’s to discourage drunk driving, but I bet more people use it to find a different route home) and the page owner(s?) also post speed traps, etc. from its followers. It’s mainly a page for police haters, I’ve come to realize.

The page shared a post from a follower that said something along the lines of “cops are out everywhere tonight, I got pulled over for not using a fucking turn signal” and then everyone jumped in and started commenting “hey rapists, murderers, burglars, y’all are free to go out tonight because the cops are too busy looking for drunk drivers”, and just other really stupid comments.

First off, a turn signal takes half a second to flip on, is a common curtsey to other drivers, and you are actually required by law to use it. So. Instead of being a whiny little bitch, use your turn signal. And you wouldn’t be pulled over.

I seriously hate people who moan and complain about being pulled over for not obeying the laws of the road. The police officer is doing his job. Yet is hated for it.

When I got my two speeding tickets I didn’t bitch and hate the police. I was speeding. I knew that by speeding I ran the risk of getting stopped if caught. It was my fault.

Nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions; they’d rather hate the police for doing their job.

For the most part, I respect the uniform. I will stick up for cops when people around me are trash talking them. There are some bad cops, I know this. But to say all are the same is to say all blacks are gangbangers. And that definitely isn’t true either.

women don't believe you

One of my male Facebook friends posted this with the caption “this is soo true!”

And, yeah…it is true. Sorta.

A girl can like a guy, quite a lot actually, but for awhile she will question everything you tell her, unsure if she’s just another conquest for you to win over.

The reason why is because so many guys before you have lied to her. Have played her like a game. (Yes, I understand girls do the exact same thing.)

I honestly do try to trust a new guy. I can’t hold every guy accountable because of past assholes. Trying to trust someone you don’t know without completely ripping down your guard is tricky. But I don’t like walls. Do I have some built? Sure. But I try to take them down a little, and give a new guy the benefit of a doubt.

I try to remind myself and others that just because you’ve been hurt before doesn’t mean every guy you meet is the same douchebag.

I don’t want to be categorized as a bitch because some guy’s ex was a bitch. I don’t want to be categorized as a slut because some guy’s ex was. I want someone to get to know ME, letting go of past hurt/anger/rejection. Don’t bring that shit onto me. And I’ll do the same.

Maybe you’ve heard about Planet Fitness and their cancelling a woman’s membership because she complained about a man- woman, whatever- using the women’s locker room. Maybe you agree with them.

Me? It’s ridiculous.

Penis? Men’s bathroom/locker room. Vagina? Women’s bathroom/locker room. Simple as that. I get it- he identifies as a woman. But if he has man parts, the men’s restroom is where you go.

Any man can say he identifies as a woman and go into a woman’s locker room and see all the boobies his heart desires. I mean, who are you to question if he’s sincere? You don’t know him.

It’s not about judgment and hating their lifestyle. I personally don’t care about your sexual orientation, and what you identify as. I do care about men using women’s restrooms, regardless if they claim to be a woman.

When I was little, I was at the library and I went into the woman’s bathroom, and there was a man in there. I turned right round and found my dad. I told him about the man in there, and he just told me not to go back in there.

Was it a transgender? I don’t know. It was clearly a man.

Did he have ill intentions? I don’t know. But I just knew men didn’t belong in a woman’s restroom.

Any man can claim to identify as a woman, and be in there when a little girl goes in there.

Some people say that’s stupid to even say. No, it’s not. This world is an evil place, and that is a very real possibility.

I don’t care if you call yourself a woman. I’ll try to respect it and use the proper pronouns. But I will not share a woman’s bathroom or locker room with a woman who has a penis. Sorry.

Going Crazy

I try to remain a positive person.

I try not to use the popular phrase fuck my life.

I mean, the people I hear using it are usually just having a bad day, and are quick to bitch and moan. Suck it up, buttercup, not every day will be sunshine and roses.

But seriously…I reached the point I could not get it- fuck my life- out of my head the other day. I felt horrible, because I know others have it worse than me, that my life could actually get worse. Maybe I just wanted the pity party.

My car broke down almost, what, three weeks ago. No biggie…It cost me two hundred bucks and I’ve had it almost two years. I won’t be getting it fixed, because it has a lot of other problems, this newest problem just killed her.

So I borrowed my parents mini van for a week. Then I picked up my baby- my Camaro. I’ve had her for nearly five years, and she’s a brat, but I love her. Usually.

Friday, the day after bringing her back to my apartment, I’m going to run to Perkins for lunch before work. Only my Camaro won’t start. Um. What the fuck. I try again and again. Absolutely nothing.

I get a ride to work from my sister, and the boyfriend picks me up. Work was long and just overall very trying. My back was also killing me. I was hoping maybe I could avoid back pain, but the last few days my back has been killing me. Pregnancy is painful!

Anyways. The boyfriend got a new job at a different restaurant and he asked me to help him study the menu for his test he had tonight.

I was depressed over both of my cars being dead, his drinking (he’s cutting back, but even when he wasn’t working for like a month he kept buying alcohol which means the utilities, rent, and the doctor bill all falls on me and yeah, it’s stressing me out), and I was in physical pain.

By then, he’s on the computer and I’m laying on the couch. I get up and head slowly to the bedroom. He asks what’s wrong and I said I’m in pain. He just says oh, and goes back to the computer.

Oh? OH? I would have liked to hear “would you like a back rub?”

I asked him for one once recently. He bitched and complained. Finally did it, and complained whilst doing it. I won’t ask again.

I pretty much cried myself to sleep.

Today I’m not focusing on my problems so I’m not as depressed. But my back is killing me, and I’m cursing myself for agreeing to work Monday. Eight days in a row…I remind myself the over time will be nice.

hypocrisy

I wholeheartedly agree with that. Unfortunately, the person who posted this on her Facebook, doesn’t truly believe in this.

How can I say this? Because she is constantly bashing people who struggle with the decision to vaccinate their kids, people who decide not to.

I myself am unsure how I feel about vaccines. I do feel that six shots for a two month old is a bit much on their small immune system.

I know- the measles outbreak! Vaccinated people can go overseas, and bring it back with them. It is NOT just unvaccinated kids who can carry diseases. It just means the unvaccinated are more prone to the measles, etc.

But this isn’t the post about that.

She posted this in support of the homosexual lifestyle, I’m sure of it.

It just irks me how people pretend to be so tolerating, but in actuality, are some of the most judgmental.

“Oh, you’re against abortion? You are anti-women!”

“Oh, you don’t support gay marriage? You are anti-equality! You are a homophobe!” (Not that it matters many people have no problem with gays in general, they just don’t support “gay marriage”.)

“Oh, you believe in the Bible? You’re a close-minded bigot.”

The majority of people I know, and the people I’ve seen bickering on Facebook posts, posts photos/quotes like this, but don’t actually believe it across the board. It has limits.

I have no problem with being different. If people believe differently. Who cares. I don’t attack people for it. But I’ve been attacked because I believe differently than them.

Funny world.

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