Update

So for 2016 I had a few goals in mind:

No Facebook for an undetermined amount of time, limit Instagram to once daily, exercise more, get into school, eat a little bit healthier, and, I really want to move out of my parents. That last one may or may not happen, I really can’t tell at this point.

As I had written, I got sick in January. I didn’t exercise, or talk to any schools. January was a waste on that front.

I haven’t been on Facebook at all. I only check Instagram once a day, and the weekends I don’t check it at all. This past week, I didn’t even check it every day. It’s just not a habit anymore.

I had replaced the constant checking of those two sites with Craigslist and my blog, but I have, not even intentionally, quit checking Craigslist. I still am enjoying my blog, though, so I do check it throughout the day to read.

So, on the lack of social media, I am doing good on my goals. And I don’t really miss Facebook. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything, and I don’t miss the “tolerant” people being intolerant.

I am back to exercising, and it feels great. I highly recommend Alexa Jean Fitness, her workouts are awesome.

I have talked to the community college, and I have an appointment tomorrow. I can’t say when I’ll be enrolled in school, but hopefully very soon. I am making a decision tomorrow evening, and while I’m terrified I’ll make a bad decision, no decision is even worse. No decision gets you nowhere, while from a bad or wrong decision, you can learn from it.

As for eating even a little bit better, why do I bother? I can’t seem to stop eating the delicious cookies my sisters make. Maybe later in the year I’ll start meeting my goal on this one, but for now… I’m a nursing momma, I wanna eat everything.

I also wanted to get back into writing stories. I try to write a little every week, which is much better than before- I could go months. I miss writing stories, and every time I open up Microsoft word to write, it feels wonderful. I should do it more than a couple times a week, but that’s better than nothing.

I know some people say it’s stupid to do the new year resolutions, and I doubt they think doing goals is any better. And ya know, it isn’t, if you’re going to just give up after failing. I failed the exercise thing for three weeks! But I’ve picked it back up, and I am determined to keep going.

Just because I failed those three weeks, doesn’t mean I need to wait until 2017 to restart. No, every day is a new day to start again. And I aim to use that.

Well, that was awkward

The other day I went by Target, and I hadn’t been there very long when this guy starts trying to get my attention with a couple “hello’s”.

I immediately got self-conscious. He was saying how he sometimes feels “God leading him to say something” and I’m like oh man, this is awkward- I thought he was going to tell me I had blood on the back of my pants. Poor, brave guy!

But that wasn’t it.

He is awkward, and rambles on about how do girls show they’re interested in someone, and since I’m a woman, maybe I can help him out. I utter a little laugh, and before I can even begin to answer, he switches it up.

“I love to worship God, you know, and we worshipped together, and it was really great. I mean, it’s really hard to find a woman who worships God, and we worshipped together! But since then…” and he went on to say something about things aren’t the same, she seems a little distant or something. “So what should I do? Do I ignore her? or can I walk up to her when I see her in church?”

I said something along the lines of, “No, don’t ignore her if you’re interested. You could play it cool, be friendly, talk to her for now, and later bring up your interest. Or, you could cut out the games, and just tell her.”

He thanked me for my advice, and I’m like good luck.

How does a woman act when she’s interested? I don’t know, it depends on the woman.

How does a man act when he’s interested?

Clayton and I played so many games, it was frustrating. I liked him, but I wanted to play it “cool”, not come across as clingy. I loathed the idea of another friend with benefits relationship after being hurt so badly just a few months prior to the other FWB relationship. But I didn’t want to seem pushy or needy or anything negative, so instead of just saying I didn’t want to be a booty call, I pretended I was okay with it.

I wasn’t. I lied to him, I lied to myself.

We were constantly playing games, refusing to admit how much we cared about one another. Oh, sometimes we would tell each other. But so often, we didn’t.

Towards the end, I was just so afraid of being hurt, I was scared to confess to him just how much I loved him. I will always regret that.

Words of affection don’t mean anything without action. But with action, it is okay to use your words. So use them.

I hate game playing. Man, I hate it. Just thinking about it upsets me. Why can’t a man or woman just admit when they’re interested in someone? Take a chance, tell them. The most they can do is reject you, and guess what? It just means you won’t be getting emotionally involved.

I’m not advocating gushing mushy feelings after five minutes of knowing someone. But if you’ve been on a few dates and are truly interested and excited about this person, let it be known.

I seriously am dreading the idea of dating again. I dread the games. His “oh I can’t text her” or his lack of effort for fear of being “too serious.”

I’m not perfect. I have been known to not text because I don’t want to be clingy. But I seriously aim to be a lot more straightforward and honest when I do return to dating. Not interested? I want to let him know instead of just trying to ignore him, or decline “hanging out” so many times he gets the hint.

Since when is showing interest in someone a bad thing? Do you or don’t you want a relationship? If you do, put yourself out there. Sure it’s scary, but so is life.

If you don’t, and all you want is sex, tell them.

All this leading someone on, hiding behind games annoys me. Why are we so afraid of real dates? “Just hanging out.” Why can’t we go on a date?

Not interested? Say so. Interested? Don’t let your fear stop you from showing it.

As I was driving home, a thought hit me. What if he was doing one of those joke videos you see on YouTube? Asking a bunch of people a question. I didn’t even look around to see if anyone was filming! But I concluded it was legit… Either that, or he was incredibly good at acting super nervous and awkward.

5 Year Journal| Day 37

If you could do today over, would you change anything?

I don’t know. Firstly, the day isn’t over. And second, I had orientation at my new job. I’ll be a CNA at an assisted living facility, and I am so excited!!

I did have to get up really early, though. But I managed to nurse my baby, and she kept sleeping for another couple hours after I left, so that’s a plus.

In a little while, there’s a birthday party for my baby’s [half] sister that we’re going to. Actually, both girls are at their grandma’s right now. This is actually the first time her (paternal) grandma has watched her, but I called and baby is happy. So, yay!

And now I’m going to get off here and enjoy my baby-free time. It isn’t often!

Umm…What?!

Maybe y’all already knew this, but I didn’t-

General Hospital has been going since April 1963!!

I am simply stunned.

There goes my ever watching it.

I seriously had no idea it’d be on that long. How is that even possible?? I love my shows, but ten seasons always sounds like a good place to stop… Well, okay, maybe not, but anything more and it’s like really?

I loved Revenge, but a part of me was glad it wrapped up with four seasons. I wish it hadn’t been canceled, but who knows, maybe it would have ended the way it did. I am very happy it didn’t end with the audience hanging though, that was a huge plus. It seems when a show is canceled, you’re outta luck for that ending wrap.

Pretty Little Liars could end anytime, and I’d be cool with it. “A” has been revealed, and I’m not sure I’m even going to catch up on the latest episodes.

Smallville. Ah. My all-time favorite. Now that show, I was sad to see end, but on the other hand, it was time. I was pretty disappointed Allison Mack wasn’t in the final season much. I love her. And her and Justin Hartley together…my heart melted.

One Tree Hill is another show I was sad to see end but recognized it was time to bring things to an end.

I love Supernatural. But man, I really hope they wrap it up soon, end strong! don’t let it go when the ratings/viewers drop.

Criminal Minds. Love it. I wish they’d do more character development. I like the crime-aspect of it, but I wish there was a little more to the characters. I have seen season 10, but nothing past it. I actually haven’t looked into it, so I don’t know if it’s going for a 12th season.

As much as I may love a show, and I actually prefer shows over movies, I like them to end to, at some point.

And this post turned into something longer than I realized it would. Oops.

Things are a-movin’

I wasn’t even suppose to wait this long- sheesh, it’s already February!

So. I had a drug test today (not a problem) for a CNA job I should be getting. It’s part-time, which is how I wanted to go back to work. Start out with a few hours, let baby and me adjust. Hopefully I’ll start there soon.

I called about EMT classes, and the class is almost full, so I really need to decide if I’m going that route. I had had an reaction to the two-step skin TB test almost 2 years ago, and required an X-ray, which came back negative. But I can’t get the skin test again, which is what they require. I asked how up-to-date does the X-ray need to be, and she should she hadn’t had that question before, and didn’t know, and gave me a number to call.

In the end, I need an up-to-date X-ray anyway. Because if I don’t do the EMT, I want to go to college for my dental assistant, and that does have to be less than a year old for the college to accept it.

The community college apparently no longer does appointments with advisers, just walk-ins. Kind of sucks because when you have a baby, you want an appointment so you know when you’re gonna be seen. My plan is to go talk to them about their dental assistant program tomorrow.

Monday I have an appointment at the career college for their dental assistant program. The community college is probably the better option, at least in my area, not all, but I want to at least talk to them.

I want to be a nurse. That is, and has been for 9 years, my goal. But nursing school is going to be incredibly difficult and time consuming and I’m just not ready for that commitment with my daughter this young.

Not saying the dental program will be easy (although I’m guessing easier than an LPN or RN program), but the plus to this is if I get my undergrad certificate, I can be done in 30 weeks. Which means I can make more money and move out of my parents. And the more I look into it, the more it does fascinate me. I like learning new things, and dental stuff is something I don’t know much about, despite having had braces from January 2010 to March 2013.

I was originally suppose to do all this at the beginning of January. But then I got sick. So, my plan is to decide if I’m going the EMT route (which also pays more than a CNA makes) or the dental assistant.

Not that I don’t like being a CNA, because I do (sometimes, not so much when I was pregnant). I really enjoyed it, and most of my residents. I just do not want to be a CNA for 20 years. I know some who have been, and that’s fine for them, I’m not going to judge them. But for me, no, it’s not what I want.

I have always wanted to be an EMT, so you’d think that’d be an easy decision. Except it’s not. And as much as I don’t want to be depressing, I just really want Clayton back and talk to him. I want his support and encouragement.

That’s that. This is the year I move my life forward, one way or another. For me, for my daughter. To a better life for us both.