It Happened Twice

Well, probably more, too.

But twice that I can really recall.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about belly churning, heart thundering nervousness. Which is weird for me, because I don’t typically feel anxious or nervous. I’m usually just like whatever happens, happens, ya know?

The first time was April 2012. And I was on my way over to this super hot guy’s house. I had previously met him on Christmas eve through my brother in law and sister. A few months later, and with the encouragement of my friend, I found him on Facebook and friended him.

He remembered me, and said I’m sexy. What more does a girl need? Mind you, I was shy, innocent…maybe even awkward. Ok, yes awkward. Oh, and he was hot. Did I say that?

I really wasn’t experienced with guys, let alone older guys who thought I was sexy. And that drive to his house, I was freaking the fuck out. And I don’t freak out. But I was.

I made it over, and we chit chatted a little. Watched TV. It was awkward as hell. But he gave me a huge hug before I left and I never felt so safe. But, alas, due to my stupid awkward shyness, I chalked it up to a lose-win situation. I don’t think I ever even really relaxed that evening, I was so nervous.

Losing being I lost out on an opportunity to be with such a hot, sexy man by not being captivating enough. But win by learning what not to do next time.

And I have since learned no matter how fucking hot a man is, it will not paralyze me again. And it hasn’t.

Y’all know Jensen Ackles is one of the hottest men out there on TV right now. And we all know he’s out of reach. But picture him in reach! Yes. I have. I met a guy who resembles him, and by golly, is he gorgeous! And he likes me!! But I have a boyfriend.

Anyways!

He did want to see me again. And again. And again. All summer long. It was a bittersweet summer fling.

The second time I felt so freaking nervous was June 2013. I had had a few black out drunk wasted nights (well, I remember bits and pieces of the nights) and I had been a total bitch to this guy I was involved with. He finally just ended it because I was “crazy” (granted, he pushed me to it, and it was his fault I ended up so damn wasted).

I don’t blame him though, I woulda left me too.

Well, I knew I owned him an apology. But I also knew if I apologized he’d think I was trying to make him change his mind, which honest to God I wasn’t because I was okay with us being over.

But I called, and asked if I could stop over and apologize. He said yes. My stomach was so twisted, I thought I was going to be sick. And when I got to his house, he just stood outside and stared at me. He didn’t smile, he didn’t say.

I’m big on “it’s only awkward if you let it be awkward!” but omg. I get out of my car, and notice my knees are shaking. Like, what the fuck? I flash a huge smile and walk up to him because I didn’t know how else to react.

Inside I sit on the loveseat opposite the couch he’s on and begin. I have to clasp my hands tightly together to hide the shaking. My mind can’t even think of what I was going to say. I totally blanked.

Then, then when I finally remembered my entire apology, my voice cracked Talk about embarrassing. I hated myself for my nervousness.

It ended with a hug and a promise to be friends. I didn’t really believe him, but I was ok with that.

But now months later, we’re dating and I live with him. Go figure.

And this post had absolutely no point to it. Besides sharing details of the two times I got so nervous I made an ass out of myself. Somehow though, I got the guy both times.

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