I still feel (slightly) ashamed.
Not really because I had a one night stand, but because of my reason why. Due to my upbringing, I feel like I should be ashamed of my one night stand, but I’m not. Maybe because I’ve accepted the fact that a broken heart and alcohol equals bad decisions.
It had been about three months since the last actual conversation (albeit through texting) with John Doe, and I was trying to finally accept the facts: he was totally done with me; he had a new girlfriend- someone so important and special and better than me that he quit cheating and even made it Facebook official. I felt like shit. I felt used. I hated myself.
I turned to bars and alcohol. I needed to be reassured I was still desire-worthy. I never meant to hook up with anyone.
And then, I met him. Not my one night stand guy, but someone else. He was casually seeing this girl, so we never did anything more than drunken flirt. He reminded me so much of John Doe. But no matter how hard I tried, he just didn’t want me either.
He knew a guy, who I had known of since I was about twelve. Sure, he was plenty attractive, but a major douche bag. And abusive. He almost beat a guy to death (no, it wasn’t self defense- the guy had already been knocked unconscious and still he beat him), and got off scot-free. His ex girlfriend had been hospitalized and they broke up right after. It was rumored he beat her.
Anyhow. I, being me and always looking for the good in people, figured he was older and not abusive anymore. So I go home with him- let’s call him DB (Douchebag) and his John Doe look like alike and their friends.
He gets pissed. I try and calm him down. Finally he leaves, and I go home with him. And we really did start out watching a movie. Then I don’t know what happens, just that we’re having sex and it felt great.
His body, his kisses, the way he fucked me- it all reminded me of John Doe. And in the dark, I could fantasize that it was him.
I told my best friend that later. She lectured. I defended.
I mean, if I was dating him because of the similarities, yeah, that’d be wrong. But how was I to know that having sex with him would remind me of John Doe?
And it was just sex. I meant nothing to him, he meant nothing to me. So we hooked up twice more, and then we were done. Yes, the second two times it was just because of who he reminded me of during sex. But he never knew, and I was just a sex toy anyway. We both used each other and got what we wanted. The end.
I don’t exactly encourage somebody to go fuck someone who reminds them of an ex, because it didn’t help me get over him any faster. It only made me want him back more.
And that’s why I sorta regret my first one night stand. Otherwise, every girl has at least one, right?