Falling Apart

Heart is breaking.

I broke up with my boyfriend today, after work. I feel so crummy.

He was even being sweet, asking me if I’d like to have lunch with him. I have an hour lunch, and he’s off today. He got me Taco Bell, and I met him at the house. I thought maybe I’d change my mind…

But I go back to work, and ponder it more. No, I had to break up. I love him, but I don’t know…Like, I don’t have a reason that I can explain. Which made me feel even more terrible for breaking up with him. I had nothing to tell him.

I get off work, come home. We are laying in bed, and he asks what I’m thinking. I turn it on him because I wasn’t ready. But a few minutes later he asks again, and I tell him, “Thinking about moving out.”

He asks where I’d go; I say my parents. He says we’re breaking up, right? and I don’t answer. He says that is a yes, and I nod. He won’t look at me, and I don’t blame him.

We don’t really say much. What’s left to say? I’m leaving, and he knows me- he knows he can’t change my mind. I fight off the tears. He goes out to smoke, and then a few tears fall. I pull myself together and pack.

Tears came quickly a few times, but I was quick to brush them aside. What am I crying for, I asked myself. But I know why. I’m crying because I’m hurting him, and even myself. I’m leaving someone I love but I don’t understand it.

I’m almost done packing. He takes out the flowers he got me for Valentine’s Day from my vase, and walks upstairs. I hear them hitting the trashcan, and then I started to cry. He threw them away, and I get it- they were dying, and I’m leaving. But it still hurt.

Everything is packed, ready to go, and I hug him. I guess that’s what you’re suppose to do, I don’t know. I’m usually left, but the guy doesn’t tell me we’re done. He pulls me down, and holds me tight. I cried then, for a minute, face buried in his shoulder.

I get to my parents, and my mom tries to hug me, but I don’t want to cry. After I get all my stuff inside, I go to my room, and let myself cry a little again.

And maybe I should just let myself sob, but I don’t feel like I have the right. I was the one breaking up, the one who knew it was coming. How can I cry?

I feel like such a shitty person. I hurt him, and I want to be there for him, but I can’t because I am the one who hurt him. How does someone who always wants to be there for someone, do this? How did I do this? I hate being left, but I’d rather be left than hurt someone.

I hate myself for hurting him.

And I hate hearing people say “do you” and all that bullshit. And I get it, I didn’t intentionally hurt him. But I did, and I can’t be there for him.

Damn it.

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