Questions

Oh how I hate you.

I hung out with my ex boyfriend last night. We drove past some apartments I’m suppose to be looking at Saturday (he thinks they’re in a bad area) and then we went back to his house and watched The Following. Which if you do not watch it, get right on it! It’s my new favorite TV show (that or Chicago Fire!) and it’s not the typical television show. For real, it surprised me a few times.

I’m huge in the crime-drama stuff- books, shows- I love it. And generally you know what happens. But in The Following- by golly, it’s fantastic!

Anywhoo.

As we laid in bed and as I started to drift off to sleep, he asked me, again, why we broke up, and if I still love him. I said yes.

“Do you just want to be able to flirt around?” he asked.

Me, flirt? Lol, boy please. Okay, so I get told I’m flirty but I’m really not. I’m sarcastic, and joke a lot. To girls, guys, and family. But I guess guys take it that I’m flirting. Whatever.

I told him no, I don’t want to flirt around. I’ve had a few weeks to think about our break up. And it’s that I don’t love him, I just don’t want a relationship right now. It doesn’t feel right- with him or anyone.

When I met him eleven months I was still mending my broken heart. I had finally reached the level of happiness being on my own without a guy. I was okay with it; I was actually happy. Most days. Some days I still broke down.

Then I met him, and we started the same relationship I had with John Doe. I pressed for more from him- I didn’t want the same situation. He didn’t want more, not for awhile. I let it go.

Finally, we did became official…I moved in with him. But it never felt right. Maybe because I hadn’t truly gotten over John Doe yet. Maybe because I still needed more time to work on me.

I know, that’s such bullshit. “I need to fix me, it’s not you” line sounds so phony. I don’t need to fix me, I don’t need to “do me”. I just need to be me without anyone else right now. Maybe I’m selfish.

Maybe I just need to know I can be single. That I am strong enough to be without a man.

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