Virgin Lips

No more.

I read this post, and it inspired this post I’m about to write.

Kisses were always gross to me. And having sex was just something married couples did. Well, until I turned twelve and discovered my 17-year-old sister was fucking her boyfriend, and had been since she was 15. Then my 18 year old sister got pregnant- before getting married.

I was 19 when I started dating this guy. We hugged and cuddled. I’m a huge cuddle-bug, and I’ll pretty much cuddle with anyone who will hold me. Anyways, he kept asking if I’d ever kiss him. I just said no, I wasn’t ready, or some shit. I mean, it would be weird to say I thought kissing was kinda ew. (To be honest, I think the idea of kissing him was ew…)

We broke up- or rather, I broke up with him even though I didn’t know why at the time.

A year later I was living with my oldest sister, her husband, and their two kids and that’s where I met the guy who stole my virgin lips. We were just hanging out as friends with the talk that there might be more. I became infatuated. I was telling him goodbye at his house across the street from my sister’s, and he gave me a tight hug. Then without me even aware of what was happening, he leans in and touches his lips to mine.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t even kiss him back. I was just like uhh…what the fuck. I guess it’s probably weird for a 20 year old to respond to a kiss like that, but I was undecided at the time if I even wanted to kiss before I was married. (Laugh, I know, but I personally know girls who saved their first kiss for the altar.)

We never kissed again, and he got back with his ex. I think part of it was due to the fact he found out I was a virgin- all the way, and he didn’t wanna deal. Some guys don’t wanna deal with being a girl’s first.

Whatever. I could move on. And that’s where John Doe came in.

I’m sitting here, writing, racking my brain trying to remember our first kiss. I remember losing my virginity like it was yesterday, but our first kiss… I know it got passionate, and out of hand. And I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Omg. He kissed soo good. His kisses alone aroused me. Even before he brought hands into it, he could just kiss me and within a few kisses, I was ready to jump him. I haven’t been kissed like that since.

I can’t change the past, but I do wish my first kiss had been with a guy who genuinely cared about me, and not trying to fuck some random girl because he wasn’t over his ex. I wish I had a sweet first kiss. Maybe someday I’ll get that first kiss, but for now, every guy I’ve ever kissed- it’s been a lustful kiss to try and get into my pants.

I legit wish I never had sex to just “not be a virgin” anymore. I really wish that every time I’ve had sex since, it wasn’t to try and forget John Doe. Maybe one day I’ll have sex with a guy because I want him. I want him, and I’m not trying to erase a guy who broke my heart into a million pieces.

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3 Comments

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