Drunken Letter

“Dear John Doe,

I still miss you. I know it sounds silly, but I do. Two years ago I gave you my virginity, and my heart.”

Ok, I’m kidding. Sort of. That line is true, but it’s not really what I’d write to him. Unless I was drunk. Which I am right now. Not shit faced, just drunk enough to be in my feelings.

But if I did write him…I don’t know what I’d say. Would my letter be telling him how he made me a stronger, albeit jaded woman? Would it tell him how he broke me until I thought life was meaningless and empty? Would my letter tell him that I’m not sure I’ll ever love again?

I don’t even know if I’d write him to try and “win him back” or to just say “goodbye.” I don’t know.

Have you stared into someone’s eyes and literally imaged life without them? What did you see? What happened? Where are you now?

I would lock gazes with him. I would tell myself one day this summer fling would end, and that I’d be okay. Oh, the lies I told myself the summer of 2012.

Then summer ended, and so did we. So did I.

Have you ever been this person, and then…it seems overnight you were totally different? You were suddenly a person you didn’t know or understand because the former you just didn’t know this side of you existed?

My brother would have been 7 years old May 16th, 2014. I worked all day. That was nice. Then I got off at 11, and decided to go out drinking. The guy I was dating but then never really broke up with came out with me. He didn’t remember my brother would be 7. Which just depressed me more.

Which got me thinking about John Doe. I don’t know why.

This isn’t even a letter.

I need to go to bed.

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