First Love

So many feelings.

Discuss your first love.

I feel like I’ve done this before. But there’s always a different angle to take on this, right? Instead of pondering on how my first love was fucked up, I can discuss it in a different light.

Like how he made me feel sexy. Made me feel desirable. How he simultaneously built up my self-esteem, self-confidence, and torn it down. Is that possible? I guess so. Because that’s what he did to me.

I was head over feet. I was wrapped around his finger.

There’s nothing like a first love. Your heart has never been broken, so you give yourself away freely. No holding back, no second-guessing. Well, yeah, there’s second-guessing, but it’s the not same second-guessing as it is once your heart has been broken.

It’s more of a second-guessing of, well, I don’t know. That might vary for person to person. For me, it was second-guessing on if I was ready to go. But then I had no choice, I was already gone.

I was so gone. I would do anything for him.

I realize now how fucked up my first love was. How one-sided it was. Actually even back then, I knew it was one-sided, but I swear that man had some sort of spell over me.

But it was fun. And heart-breaking. I was in love, and he wasn’t. But those little texts he’d send, “I can’t sleep, I miss you” melted my heart.

My first love taught me a lot. My first love opened my eyes to a lot. My first love torn off my rose-shaded glasses. And I’m torn trying to decide if that’s a good or bad thing. Yeah, one can’t live in a fantasy world forever, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have everything completely ripped from you at once. It leaves you reeling, spinning- questioning everything, your own sanity.

Or maybe I was just never as strong as I thought.

First love. Oh the feelings. Ain’t nothing like it. And that first heartbreak? Nothing like it either.

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