And here’s why.
- Labor and delivery. Omg. Too much pain. I know all moms say the pain is worth it when they see that baby in their arms, but I’ve been in the room when my sister had her first. It was…gross. She puked green puke (from having an empty stomach), and she was in horrible amounts of pain. I know, epidural, but I personally do not want one. But nor do I want the pain of delivery. Demerol is what I want. I think. My sister had some towards the very end, but got it too late it didn’t help much. If I get it sooner, it should take off the worst of it. Right?
- SIDS. It terrifies me. When my younger sister had her baby back in June, it terrified me. The idea of losing another baby in my family, terrifies me. My brother died from a chromosomal defect at a week old, and since then, babies dying scare me. I know it is real, and I know we’re not above infant deaths in my family. For the moms (dads, siblings, etc) who lose a baby to SIDS, I cry. I’m not kidding. Every time I read a story like that, I cry. Because losing a baby is brain-blowing, crushing… Right now, it makes a lump form in my throat. Babies aren’t suppose to die.
- Everyone says you’ll have a child worse than you. Well I was a “devil” child. The idea of trying to keep control of a stubborn, strong-willed toddler without breaking his spirit is seemingly impossible. I’m not sure how my mom handled me- and multiple other kids at the same time. But here I am, not broken, and still very much my own person. I don’t want a bratty child, but how in the world do you get a well-behaved one? My older sister has three kids and they are little angels (with their moments). The 5-year-old actually grabs a broom and starts sweeping the kitchen, telling her mom she wants to help. Those kids are frickin’ adorable. Sure they fight, and sometimes see how far they can push things, but they listen. They are obedient, sweet, helpful, and smart. Oh, so smart. I love them.
- Baby stuff is hella expensive! The clothes are adorable, but have you seen the price tag?? omg. I can kind of understand adult clothes being costly, but babies outgrow their clothes so fast. You spend twenty bucks on an outfit and two months later (I don’t know the timeframe…) the outfit no longer fits! Waste of money. Everything is so expensive. I don’t want government help, I really don’t. But I’d accept it before I let my baby lack anything.
- A baby. Okay, I know that’s silly, but newborns are scary. They have that soft spot on their head, they can’t hold their heads up. And then there’s their itty-bitty limbs. I barely held my newborn niece back in June. And I only did, while sitting in the hospital bed with my sister, because I couldn’t tell people I was afraid of a six-pound baby. I can pick up old people, change their briefs/depends, bathe them, dress them- no problem. But a baby? They are soo little, it’s scary.
So far my pregnancy doesn’t seem real. I think it’ll hit me a little more when I heart the heartbeat. I hope. I’m always tired, and even walking down the hallway at work leaves me ready to close my eyes. I hope this exhaustion doesn’t last the entire pregnancy because my job is demanding, and nine months of demanding work with a tired body…ugh.
I’m also always hungry.
I’m, like, four weeks along. Should I even be feeling this away right now??
I know pregnancy symptoms vary from person to person (my sister had horrible, horrible back pain probably six out of the nine months and not everyone will experience that). But I still feel like it’s a bit much right now.
Regardless, I’m trying to be excited and knock the paranoid thoughts from my head. I’m telling myself my baby is okay, s/he is alive and growing. I’m telling myself that I’m young and healthy, my baby will be fine. But I can’t completely banish the scary thoughts. Maybe I’ll relax when I hear the heartbeat.