Let’s Talk About Rape

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about rape. What is rape exactly? I know what it is. But then you get to the confusing lines- and maybe it’s not confusing at all, and it’s just me complicating things.

I don’t consider what happened to me rape. Everyone I’ve told does.

I was stupid. I let myself get drunk with a guy I barely knew. I allowed myself to stay the night in his bed. I didn’t reject his kisses, his touches. Sure, I told him I didn’t want him going down on me, but when he said it’ll be okay, I relented.

Then here comes the self-blame…which could be me muddling things. He sits up, and without me even realizing it, has no pants on, and is putting his hard cock inside me.

I said no, stop. I grabbed his biceps, and tried to push him off.

But then he got upset, and I let him fuck me.

Is that rape?

Everyone says it is.

Maybe I say it’s not because I blame myself for even putting myself in that situation. I blame myself for not fighting him more and making him understand I truly did not want to fuck, how much it hurt.

I cried while he fucked me. He never even knew, never even saw the silent tears trickling from eyes into the pillows.

I know if I know of that happening to someone in my life, or even a stranger, I would be angry. I would call it rape.

There are different types of rape, but it’s all rape. Brutal rape from a stranger. Rape from a guy a girl thought she could trust. Rape from a guy who intentionally got you drunk because you wouldn’t fuck him sober.

Rape. It doesn’t matter what extreme it happens in, it isn’t something you forget. It affects you, lives with you.

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4 Comments

  1. My experience was very similar to yours. I had been drinking and was hanging out with older guys that I didn’t know very well. He was handsome and I let him kiss me. I was naive in thinking that he would be satisfied to just kiss. I said no. I said stop. I tried to push him off of me, but he was built like a football player and was too heavy. When I realized that he would not stop, I stopped struggling and just let him in. He didn’t even use a condom and I have no idea if he finished or not. It was kind of abrupt and I thought maybe he stopped because of a guilty conscience because he was being really nice to me afterwards. That was the most confusing part of it that had me questioning whether or not it was rape. I mean, wasn’t I supposed to be bruised, battered, and crying? Wasn’t he supposed to be mean? I had all these questions in my mind that had me unsure of whether it was rape. Is it rape if I was drinking? Is it rape if I went into his bedroom? Is it rape if I let him kiss me? Maybe he didn’t hear me say no? If it was rape, then why was he so nice to me afterwards?

    I was afraid to tell anyone because I felt that people would judge me and say that it wasn’t rape or that I deserved it for putting myself in that situation. It took me a long time (years) to realize that, yes, it was rape. Yes, I did put myself there, and there will probably always be a part of me that places some blame on myself, but the fact of the matter is I said no, and I know that he heard me say no. I struggled against him, and he forced my legs apart. When I remember those things, it puts it in perspective for me. There’s no question in my mind now that I was raped.

    Have you ever seen The Accused with Jodie Foster? If you haven’t, it’s about a woman who gets gang raped in a bar, and tries to bring them to justice with all these things going against her. Watching that movie also helped put things in perspective for me. She was in a bar, she was drinking, she was smoking pot, she was flirting, dancing sexily, she was dressed a little provocatively. She let the guy kiss her. If you haven’t seen the movie, you should.

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    • I think that’s something girls need to be taught… I just always assumed if I said no a guy would respect me and stop. I hate to think of my younger sisters falling into the same trap I did. Not all guys will stop when you say/ask. And as crazy as it sounds, there are girls out there who probably won’t know it til it’s too late…like me.
      My only reasoning for him being so nice is to save himself. He knew it was wrong. When I asked the guy through text if he believed I was a virgin, he said no, and I simply said that explained why he was so rough. He then felt bad and apologized and was super sweet the next time. Because I had told him a few nights prior that I was a virgin and wasn’t comfortable going further.
      Amazing how guys can be so sweet after taking a part of you…
      I will have to check out that movie. And maybe one day I can admit he did rape me. But right now…I just can’t. I don’t know why…blame myself too much? Don’t want to believe the guy I fell in love with raped me? Psh..don’t know.

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  2. So sorry this happened to you! Sounds awful, I could never imagine being in a situation like that; vulnerable, drunk, helpless…

    It’s indeed very important that girls know that a guy won’t stop immediately just because you’re saying no. Guy either don’t understand how much you mean no or they’re just stupid to think it won’t effect you as much as it has. Or maybe they just don’t care, I don’t know…
    What I do know is that you should never blame yourself. You told him no, he heard you say no, and he should have taken no for an answer. It’s not your fault that he’s an animal, has no respect for a woman, a human being, and didn’t have the strength to control his lust and drive. You didn’t raise him, didn’t teach him morals and values, and you could not have prevented his behavior. He’s a weak and pathetic excuse for a man. He did you injustice, and he’s to blame for it, not you.

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