I truly have no idea what I’m doing

I might be 23. I might even know what I want to do career wise. I might even have the “I know who the fuck I am and where the fuck I’m going” face.

But I have no fucking clue about anything anymore.

I feel so lost, alone.

Nursing school was always a challenge to me, money wise. Mainly because of my age, financial support is based off my parent’s income, and while they’re not anywhere near rich, my dad does make just enough I won’t get much support. Even though my parents aren’t capable of helping me with the cost of school, it doesn’t matter. If his income tax has this number, it means my financial support is low. It doesn’t matter I’m the only one paying.

I know I want to be an RN. I know I want to work in the NICU (emergency room, too). I still know these things.

I just no longer know how it’ll ever happen.

And people talk about white privilege. Well, y’all out there who talk like that- tell me where the fuck is that at for me? Because my entire adult life I’ve had to bust my ass for the shit I have, while the poor black people have nicer cars, nicer phones, nicer apartments- you get the picture. Oh, and no, they don’t work.

This isn’t about racism, so I do apologize for the above paragraph.

I have no problem working hard for the shit I have. I wouldn’t trade my problematic 1991 Camaro for anything. I just hate hearing “white privilege”. When in actuality, all I ever see is black privilege.

Okay, moving on.

School just seems so far out of reach right now. I’m hoping that after I have the baby, I can get my LPN. If I can get that, I can get on my feet.

I’ll be moving back to my parents when my lease is up. I feel like such a failure, going back home. But I know I can’t afford a baby if I live on my own. As is, I tend to live mostly paycheck to paycheck. And that’s not counting diapers and wipers, and then baby food- and maybe even formula if my baby won’t breastfeed.

I just feel so alone.

The boyfriend won’t talk to me. He doesn’t do conversation, that’s not him. I need conversation. We live together, and yet he’ll play video games for hours, never acknowledging me.

My friends that live around me have disappeared since I told them I was pregnant.

My mom is great, but I’ve always been strong- I can’t figure out how to tell her how weak I feel right now. I’ve always have had it together, I can’t seem to say I don’t anymore.

I love my baby dearly already. I kinda wanted a baby, too. I just never realized how much things would change.

I know some would say having this baby is ruining my life, but I don’t feel that way. Yeah, it’s changing everything, but my life isn’t ruined. I will overcome these challenges. It just might take me awhile to find a new way of doing things.

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2 Comments

  1. Babies change everything, but once you hold him/her for the first time, it won’t matter what you had to give up. You have your entire life to get it all figured out, and honestly no one knows what they are doing. I bet I say that once a week and I have 2 years experience as a mom and I’m almost 30.

    Liked by 1 person

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