Sometimes I’m in my Feelings

I try to push all thoughts of John Doe from my mind. I wish I could burn his memory as quickly I could the pages his name enters the pages of my personal journals. Not that I’m going to rip up and burn my journals- I’d die if anyone read them, but I like being able to go back and read what was in my head.

I haven’t checked his Facebook page in over a year. I even spent a few months not even getting on Facebook just to avoid anything his girlfriend tagged him in. He isn’t really a poster, and when he does post it’s like once every five months. But she tags him a lot-ish. And sometimes it cuts right through me, seeing a picture of them together, a picture of their son they got pregnant with within 6 months of his ditching me, her exclaiming her feelings of love, tagging him in a picture of her/their 6-now-7-year-old- yeah, you get it.

So, I basically quit Facebook. It didn’t help push out the random almost daily thoughts of him. I don’t dwell on them. I don’t sit there and daydream about him. It’s been two fucking years since we last talked via text, even longer since I last saw him. Why do I still think of him all the fucking time?

People say if you really love someone, try to get them back. I can’t do that. Even if I truly love him. I can’t try to get him back. I don’t even know how. I’m okay with accepting I may always love him. But can I please stop thinking of him??

Today was his birthday. I almost posted “happy birthday” on his Facebook wall…thought of it, thought of sending it as a message. But I couldn’t bring myself to it. Because the idea of him not liking my silly birthday wish on his wall would hurt (he was liking everyone’s comment), and the idea of seeing he read my message, and didn’t respond with a stupid “thanks” would also hurt.

So I said nothing. Just fucking thought of him all damn day. And that’s probably best. I know my friends would say that.

His girlfriend wrote this fucking cheesy message on his wall. Something about “happy birthday future gorgeous husband! I am so happy for today and being able to grow older with you” blah blah, ending with a bunch of hearts and an “I love you.”

Yes, he is gorgeous. But future husband? Damn it, bitch. Or maybe you’re not a bitch. But damn it. Why her?

I feel like such a selfish person. She deserves to be happy and have what she wants. I mean, she was single mom for a long time, and that’s not easy.

But why did she have to find her happiness with him?

Why couldn’t he find his happiness with me?

And why does it still fucking bother me? Is it pregnancy making me more emotional?

Why do I still care? And where do I go from here?



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