Over and Over Again

I’ve been absent awhile- besides the silent reading of new blog posts by my favorite bloggers. I just haven’t felt like writing. No, that’s not true. I haven’t had anything of interest to share.

I’m over my morning sickness, thank heavens, and I am almost 18 weeks along. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 24th, and I cannot wait to find out the sex!

I still haven’t felt the baby move, other than a twitch or two. Which was a new sensation, so I’m assuming it was baby. I cannot wait until I can feel him/her move, and know without a doubt, it’s my baby. I’ve gained maybe a pound or two, have a small baby bump, but my hip bones are still super visible. Eventually I’ll gain some pounds. I eat enough.

I feel like the most paranoid pregnant mom ever. I know it’s normal to be worried, but I really feel like I’m more worried than others. It’s not just the health of my baby I’m worried about, it’s everything.

I think a huge part of this comes from the fact the boyfriend started drinking again after five months of being sober. At first it was half a bottle like every other day. I was so upset. I was so hurt, disappointed, frustrated.

And I started getting bad headaches. I know headaches can be a side effect of pregnancy. But I realized I only get them when he’s drinking. So.

But yeah, that every other day shit, turned into a bottle a night. I was so fed up. Just so done. He already lost custody of his daughter due to his drinking. I told him (when he was still sober) that if he goes back to drinking, he won’t see our kid. Because I’d rather he be absent from our kid’s life, than be an alcoholic father. My baby deserves better. All kids deserve better.

I was ready to spend the weekend at my parents to get away from his drunk self. But last Friday he asked me to stay with him over the weekend and help him stay sober. I did, spending my entire weekend off taking care of him. Things were going good. We were finally talking, cuddling, getting along- it was great.

Then Wednesday night I came home from work and he had bought a bottle. Oh I was angry! So before bed, I found the bottle, dumped it, and refilled it with water.

I was off Thursday, and he wanted to take me to an early Valentine’s Day dinner. I was excited. He could finally legally drive since he got his license back. He could take me on a date and drive!! I always drive, so yeah, I was thrilled.

Well morning dawned, and he went for a drink. Was surprised by a shot of water, which I find hilarious. I had lunch with my sister, and he bought more vodka.

I didn’t know until I got up for my date (I took a nap). I asked if he needed to warm up the car. He says I’m driving, and I said no, deal was you drive. That’s when he says he bought a pint.

He hasn’t drank since, but does it matter? I don’t want to trust him anymore. But I can’t be with someone and not trust them. I’m so frustrated. I’m so tired of always supporting him, being understanding. Of feeling like I’m partly to blame.

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