It’s been a tough few days. Thursday it finally happened, the thing I knew was coming but dreading. I honestly was not expecting it to hit me as hard as it did.
John Doe got married.
I actually almost cried. If I hadn’t been at work upon learning of his marriage that day, I probably would have cried a little, before getting a grip. Instead, I just laughed at everything. I was so upset, and to try and not cry, laughing was the only other thing.
I fucking knew he would marry this girl- the girl he left me for. When they had their first baby boy in 2013, I was upset- they got pregnant within six months of him “leaving” me.
They had their second baby boy almost two months ago now. I didn’t know they were pregnant again, until like a month before she was due. I wasn’t really upset this time, just surprised. Their first boy had only just turned a year old, and now, a newborn.
It wasn’t like I was holding onto hope of us ever getting back together. I’ve known it was over since I saw the first picture of them together a month after the last time I saw him.
But he’s married now.
It seems so much more…final. I don’t know.
I felt like an idiot. I still do, because when I think about it, it still hurts. I still feel so sad, heartbroken.
I blame my emotional reaction on my pregnancy hormones. And on the fact I’ve been depressed the past couple of weeks. I go through bouts of depression fairly often it seems, and considering this month is the month my brother would have turned 8, but also the same month he died 8 years ago, it’s been rough.
That paragraph could probably use a rewrite, but screw it.
He’s finally married. And I’m still trying to convince myself that no matter what I did or said would have kept him. We just weren’t meant to be.
Will I ever find someone who makes me feel like he did, or is the feeling of first love never copied again?