To Feel Beautiful

I know the boyfriend (actually we’re not together anymore- free to date/fuck whoever we want, so let’s call him Clay) and I aren’t good together. When we lived together, I was fucking miserable, and we argued all the time. Basically, as long as he drinks like a fish, we won’t ever be together.

Since I’ve been at my parents, and we see each other, on average, once a week, we mostly get along. There’s still been fights, but for the most part, we get along great and it just messes with my head.

I’ve always thought when I had kids, I’d be with the dad. That no matter what, we’d make it work for the kid. But, he’s not even willing to try- because that means giving up vodka, and he just can’t. Or won’t. Or both.

Do I even want it to work with him? No, not really. I don’t even know why we stayed together as long as we did. Before even a year had hit, I was ready to be done- but guilt had me staying. I hate myself for that.

I think it has a lot to do with that I want to feel loved, cared for, special, beautiful. And I hate starting over with a new person.

I’m 34 weeks pregnant, and hearing a compliment would be nice, ya know? I mean, my mom, and some of my co-workers tell me I look so cute pregnant, and that’s nice. But at the same time…I want to feel attractive to guys as well. I don’t crave it, just from time to time, I’d like Clay to tell me I’m beautiful like he used to.

Upon some snooping (my bad), I’ve learned he’s told a couple other girls how “beautiful” they are after they upload a photo to Facebook- one being a girl he was fooling around with around the time he met me (they didn’t have sex, but made out).

Even when I’ve done my make-up and worn something cute, and gone over to see him, absolutely nothing. Not even “you look nice.”

I feel so whiny. I don’t need a man to tell me I’m beautiful, I know this. But I am a girl, and sometimes I do like hearing it. Oh well.



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