Too Many Feelings

I’ll be spending a few days at my ex’s, Clay’s, apartment this week. My friend from out of state is flying in, and she’s allergic to cats and here at my parents, we have three. Plus, he’d like some time with his baby girl. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I want to see him.

Ever since I had my baby girl, I’ve wanted to fix us so strongly. I know I don’t love him; I know we simply cannot work out while he’s drinking; I know that I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship with him. But for some strange reason, I really, really just want to be with him.

Even if he quit drinking, I wouldn’t be happy in a committed relationship with him at this point in my life. Maybe it makes me slutty, but I still want to have sex with other people. I want to experience a threesome. I want to explore sex so much more. And honestly, he doesn’t.

I had to bug him for weeks to go to a sex shop with me. I have to demand we try a different position.

He’s comfortable with himself sexually, he’s open to talking and watching porn and masturbating with me. But, for some reason when it comes to actually trying different things, he just doesn’t. Which is super frustrating, because at the beginning of us, he told me that by the time he’s done with me, I’ll be super experienced (because he’s been with a lot of women, I’ve seen his list, and knows like alll the positions).

Ok, great. Soo…when are you going to teach me these new positions??

As for a threesome…He says only if it’s with another girl. I said sure, but on the condition we later do it with another guy. Maybe porn has glamorized it, but I like the idea of two guys and me…He flat out refused, saying he couldn’t watch another guy fuck me.

So I asked, at a different time, if we could do an open relationship. Where we’d get one free pass a month to fuck someone else. He liked it for himself, but said no because it meant agreeing for me as well. Although he did say I was the only person he cared to sleep with.

I don’t want to go whoring around, but I do want to sleep with others. I want sex to be exciting, and more than just a release. I mean, I can get a release all on my own.

I want sex to be thrilling. Like the night with John Doe, when he said he’s going to strap me down and I laughed, not knowing he was serious. Feeling him pin my body down as I struggled beneath him, his arm stretching for the under the mattress strap. Being pinned down, followed by straps around my wrists was beyond hot.

And it only happened once.

Sex should be more than a release. No, every single time won’t be hot and exciting; it’ll be quick and fulfilling. But when nothing changes in over a year…well, yeah. I reached the point, I only had sex with Clay just because he wanted to. I literally had no desire for it anymore- at least sex with him.

So these feelings of wanting to be with him- they’ll pass. Probably within the first day at his apartment.

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