Doing Better

So, after spending a few days with Clay, I have resolved the conflicting emotions: I really don’t want to be back together. I do want him to stop drinking- for his own health, for his daughters.

My friend told me later that while we were there, he was “always” watching me. Which, felt kinda nice to hear. But at the same time, really? I never catch him looking at me, ever. He must be real, real subtle.

I am suppose to return to work in 3 weeks. The idea, just ugh. I do not want to leave my baby girl. I want nothing more than to be able to stay home with her. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to do so. Maybe one day I’ll be married, and my husband is cool with me staying home. But for now, I have to work.

And that’s really all of an update I have for the moment. Just wanted to get it out there that I got my feelings cleared up. Thankfully. Oh! Except his mom wants to do weekly dinners. Does she know we’re not together? Because, if not, she needs to. I am not okay with weekly, family dinners. I understand she wants to see her grandbaby, I do, but at the same time- she never cared to get to know me before. And, in my honest opinion, I don’t think suddenly wanting to get to know me because I pushed out her grandbaby, is very nice. I was with her son for almost a year and a half before I got pregnant; always taking care of him when he’d detox, giving him a place to stay (supporting him the times he wasn’t working), went to the hospital while he was in there, etc. I have to have a baby before I’m good enough to get to know?

Oh wait. I doubt she even cares if I show up, just as long as the baby is there.

I’m sorry (not really) but if I had a son and his girlfriend was always there for him, I would want to get to know her. Actually, even for my daughter, if her boyfriend was a steady person in her life, I’d want to get to know him. But maybe that’s just me.

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