This past week, I’ve made some decisions. A talk is in order.
I’ve decided I am done being used. I’m tired of feeling used, dirty, and worthless. I don’t ever want my daughter to be treated the way I am, and if she grows up seeing how I let men use me, well, it’s showing her that’s okay. And it’s not. I need to be a stronger person, demand respect.
I don’t know when I’ll see Clay next, as he works all weekend. He was suppose to come up and see his daughter the other day, but didn’t make it- again. Oh, somebody slit his tire the night before. Um, put a spare on or go get it fixed. That’s what I do when I’ve had flats. I don’t wait around for days. But then again I’m not an alcoholic with a Breathalyzer in my car either.
He says we’re friends. So, friends it will be. No more sex, no more blow jobs. No more staying the night, no more cuddling. The sex and blow jobs will be easier to adhere to than the latter. Because I love cuddling. But, alas, I am done. This time is the last time I’m saying I’m done.
He can be so sweet and loving, and everything I need. And then, boom. Gone. And I’m upset, disappointed, hurt, and angry all over again. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of him doing this to me- giving me just a little taste of what I so desperately long for, and then pulling back.
Those few hours of happiness, really isn’t worth the constant annoyance I go through. He cannot give me what I need as long as he drinks. And nothing will ever be more important to him than that fucking bottle of vodka.
Maybe that’s harsh. But I am honestly to the point I doubt he’s ever going to quit. He already can’t see his first daughter due to drinking, and he isn’t trying to shape up to make sure he’s in his baby’s life for good. I’ve already told him I won’t allow him to watch her.
Nothing has changed. I had hoped when she was born, that would be enough, but no. Alcohol is his world. He may say his daughters are, but they aren’t.
So I’m talking to him and telling him we’re friends. For real. Not friends…with side benefits. Because I’m not like that with friends. I’m not a touchy person with friends, maybe just a hug when I see them or am leaving.
It’s long past time I do this for me. It’s long past time I talk to him.