I know breastfeeding is full of pros. My mom and sisters talk about the joy of bonding with their babies in the past. I don’t feel that. It’s not to say I don’t enjoy nursing her sometimes, just holding her, rocking her, my finger clinched in her little hand. Because I do enjoy it sometimes.

But sometimes…sometimes it’s tiring. At first I had to use a nipple shield because she would not latch on the nipple itself. Well, the shield saved me the pain of beginning nursing. Well, without it now, breastfeeding hurts! It’s getting better some days. But then some nights, all she wants to do is nurse every hour or 45 minutes. And it’s so frustrating. My nipples hurt, I want to sleep…

I just don’t enjoy nursing like they do. I really thought I would. I feel guilty. And I wonder why I feel so guilty. It’s okay if I don’t enjoy it. I’m going to stick with it though because I can, and it is better for her. Do I look down on or think less of mothers who do quit? No, not at all. As long as they’re feeding their baby, it’s okay.

I’m also sticking with it because dealing with formula is even worse than nursing. The first couple of days I supplemented with formula, a very little, while I waited for my milk to come in. And getting up to go get it was so much more annoying. Popping out a boob is so much easier. I am very thankful I can nurse…even if I don’t always enjoy it.

I pump as well, trying to get a supply built up before I return to work (and I get to take off all this month too! she’ll be a little over two months old when I return to work). Pumping is even worse because I get so bored. So I’ve taken to watching Modern Family while I pump. It makes it much easier to deal with.

Sometimes I pump while nursing, even though I don’t prefer to. But it gets it done.

I love my baby girl.


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