I was suppose to be done with Clay awhile back. But duh, stupid me can’t stand firm.
I’ve toyed with the idea of getting back with him, and we’ve had some good talks about a few things. In the end, I know it won’t work, no matter how many talks we have. No matter how promises he makes to me.
He promised me while I was pregnant that once I have our daughter, he will quit drinking. Well, I had her. The drinking didn’t stop. He then promised me he wouldn’t drink around her. Yet he drinks around her nearly every time I’ve gone over. Nothing has changed. At all.
I’ve been considering an idea…That once she turns a year old, and he’s done nothing to get help to sober up (or have gotten sober) I will no longer see him. Or talk to him. I think that’s more than fair. He could see her when his mom has her, or if he ever decides to come see her. (I will eventually let his mom watch her for a little bit at some point.)
The last month I’ve seen him maybe four times? My car broke down, and therefore I can’t drive to see him, and he never comes to see her. Not seeing him is very helpful. Not seeing him is what I need to move on. I can’t move on if I’m seeing him- and I can’t let him take our daughter by himself if he’s not sober. Which means he can’t see her unless his mom has her.
I honestly want us to work so my baby girl has the both of us…together. Yet I honestly don’t see him changing either. And how long do I wait? How many chances do I give him?
I want to start the new year free.
He promised me he’d quit drinking when she was born; he didn’t. I don’t owe him a year.
It’s hard, even thinking about cutting him out of my life. I mean, sure, eventually I will allow us to talk- if he wants. But not for a good while. It’s hard because I know he trusts me, he relies on me to always be there for him. And it worries me he’ll get worse if I do this. But I can’t drown with him…can I?
Life is complicated…mostly due to our own decisions, I think.