No More Questions

Death is a forever goodbye, and last Friday put an end to everything. The man I’ve loved and been up and down with since April 2013, the father of my daughter- was found dead in his apartment.

Tuesday the casket was closed, and we said another goodbye to his body. I wanted to hug him back to life. Or at least until an answer came. He was fine when I saw him Sunday, fine when we spoke Monday. How does one end up dead just like that?

I’m blaming myself. I should have done more; should have done something different. I shouldn’t have let his drinking bother me as much as it did.

I miss him so much.

Sure he drove me nuts, but I know it was mutual. Sure, I didn’t know what to do about us, but a part of me loved him. It wasn’t mad, passionate love. But I loved him.

It wasn’t suppose to end this way. He was suppose to get sober so we could be a family.

My heart is broken.

My daughter will never know her daddy. Oh, how he loved her so much. He never even got to hear her laugh.

He died alone. I should have been there.

I was trying to protect myself from being hurt again, and instead ended up not just hurt, but broken.

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6 Comments

  1. Wow. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s a natural reaction to want to blame yourself, but you really can’t. There’s no way for you to be able to say for sure that had you been with him that the same thing wouldn’t have happened. Again, so sorry. My thought are with you and your daughter.

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  2. My condolences on your loss, and your daughter’s loss. From your posts here, you went above and beyond to help him. Don’t blame yourself. He was lucky to have you, and to have had the chance to leave a legacy with your daughter. Still, it is a tragedy to lose someone so young.

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