It’s been over a month since he died. I miss him so much. Some days I feel like I’m actually starting to heal, and then the next, I am a total wreck.
I know, that’s normal.
I’m doing a lot better on not blaming myself…I couldn’t have saved him. He was a grown man, he made his own decisions, no matter how bad I thought they were sometimes.
He had his demons, and unfortunately, he didn’t beat them. And when someone dies over that, you’re lost. You’re lost asking why you weren’t enough to help them through their demons.
You ask what could I have done differently- but I don’t think it matters. No matter what, you literally cannot make someone chose a different path. I struggle with that sometimes, but I cannot wallow in it. I have our daughter to raise, and I can’t drown in guilt and blame.
I do avoid articles about “how to help someone with depression” (he was depressed, I just didn’t really realize how badly until he died) or “how to help an alcoholic”.
He drank himself to death. I don’t think intentionally. But seeing articles like that now- well, they don’t help. Because it’s too late. Oh, I read article after article, trying to figure out how to help him even with him keeping me out. He let me in, but when it come to his alcoholism, he downplayed it to me.
I read and I read, trying to find what exactly I needed to do. And nothing works. So reading other articles, well, I’ll just cry and hate myself for not finding this or that out sooner because maybe just maybe that would have been enough to save him.
I couldn’t save him. Logically, I know this. Emotionally? No, sometimes I doubt that.
I miss him. I look at our daughter, and I see him in her. And she’ll never know him. And we’ll never make things work. Oh, how he drove me nuts, how we fought. And so many times I wanted to leave him, I wanted to start over without him. But what I really wanted most was him to sober up and us to be a family.
My entire future is rearranged. I was dreaming of us getting a place together, working opposite schedules so he could watch her while I’m at work/school, and I’d watch her while he worked. Us having another baby…
All that’s changed. When I move out of my parents, I’ll be alone, without him. And that wasn’t at all how I envisioned my future.
Life is hard.