Single Mom: To date or not to date?

So last night I was in search of single mom groups in my area. I really feel like I could use the support especially since Clayton’s death. A lot of what popped up was dating sites and articles about single moms dating.

One article in particular (which I’m not linking to because it was so disgusting) made me feel pretty terrible. It was saying that any woman to have a baby outside of wedlock are idiots. That having a baby outside of an established relationship a terrible idea. And while I do believe marriage is the best place to have children, I don’t regret my daughter. Marriages fail- divorce is rampant. Unfortunately.

That single moms don’t care about their child’s future or well-being, that the child will do poorly in life (depression, drug abuse, jail, suicide, emotional problems, lower education problems, etc). That hit the hardest. During my pregnancy all I could think about was my baby’s future (I still do). I want to give her the best. And the idea of her dealing with such problems, ugh. It breaks my heart. But you know what? Even if Clayton and I had married, he still died. I’d still be a single mom, although this article started out saying widowed moms aren’t single moms. That they are widowed and to call them single would insult his memory, her, and her children.

Well, what about a single mom who was dating the daddy, and he died? Where do I fit in? Am I a woman to steer clear of for my single mom status? Clayton and I had been back together (we had officially called in two months prior to his death), and we were working out issues, and mending us.

I’m not ready to even begin dating again, but even when I do, I am not looking for a daddy for her. Her daddy died. He cannot be replaced. When I do begin dating, I’m not looking to replace him. No other man can ever be him. I do hope that I will one day find a man who loves my baby, and cares for her as his own. Just as my brother in law has done with my niece.

That single moms should have an abortion instead of bringing a child into this world. That a single mom has screwed up, most she can do is not screw up her child’s life (because killing your child doesn’t screw up their life). I absolutely do not feel like I screwed up my life by having a baby. Yes, things have changed a lot, but I would not call it screwed up. I sincerely hope I am a good mom and don’t screw up my child. Because, yes, married couples can screw up their child’s life. It isn’t just single moms capable of that.

That being a single mom makes you a bad decision maker; that having a baby out of wedlock is the worst decision you could have made. Having a baby out of wedlock was not the worst decision I’ve made, and being a single mom definitely doesn’t make me a bad decision maker.

It also says that while men don’t mind a woman’s sexual history, he doesn’t want her uterus to have been occupied before him because he doesn’t want to compete with a baby daddy. (Yet, if she had an abortion, that uterus has still been occupied and there is still a baby daddy out there.) And if a woman has a long list of lovers, or anyone serious in her past, I think at times the occasional thought of “am I competing against someone?” may cross his mind. Of course, I could be way off base here.

The article also went on briefly about divorced moms- look out for their flaw because it’s there! Bashing women and basically saying how the divorce is the fault of the woman and she must be controlling or some other major flaw. And, heaven forbid the husband was abusive, an addict or some other major deal, well that woman was clearly a moron for even getting together with him.

Was I a moron for dating Clayton, an alcoholic? Well, this ties in with decision making, I reckon. It wasn’t the best decision. Unfortunately, by the time I realized he was an alcoholic, I had already fallen in love with him, and I couldn’t leave him. Although I did try. I always went back because I needed to know he was okay. In the long run, he wasn’t okay, he died. As much as I tried to help him, I couldn’t. My love couldn’t save him.

I think the only thing I agreed with was be cautious of a woman who will take absolutely none of the blame for her failed relationship. No one party is entirely innocent.

If I am not dateable due to having a child, fine.

In another article by the same woman (yes a woman wrote this), she says hell yeah to dating single dads, because they are responsible and put the child first, that single moms absolutely do not.

Excuse me, but my daughter does come first. Every decision I make, I think about her. All I do is think about her! How to raise her to be a strong, capable woman with a compassionate heart. How to care for her, how to set a good example for her.

I don’t think refusing to date a woman due to her motherhood status is a good reason to avoid dating her. If you’re opposed to having children, by all means, do not date her.

But the same goes for a woman. If she’s opposed to having children, do not date a (single) father.

When Clayton and I first got together and I found out he had a daughter, I was kind of disappointed. I love children and have always wanted children. But, for some reason, it just wasn’t something I wanted to hear. But then decided he wasn’t serious about me, and we were just hanging out to hook up, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have dated him if he wanted to be serious since I didn’t like the idea of a kid.

By the first month’s end, I really didn’t care he had a daughter. And a few months later, I finally met her, and she was just adorable. He was pleased she and I both liked each other, and I was relieved she liked me. Little kids can be funny.

Anyway, one more thing. The idea of dating as a single mom actually scares me. I have read so many heartbreaking stories of a single mom’s boyfriend beating, molesting, even killing her child. When I do date, the boyfriend will not be watching my baby girl. He won’t be my free babysitter (something some of the article’s commenters were saying single moms do, use the man she’s dating to watch their kids).

The idea of another man watching my baby girl terrifies me. It will take a lot to entrust him with the most precious thing to me. And that’s only after I know his character well. Of course, there are some men (women too) who can hide their true self. The BTK serial killer is a prime example.

Not all single moms are great. Some are horrible. But so are some married moms.

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11 Comments

    • Thank you. Yes, I was pretty shocked (and disgusted) at that attitude… Martial status does not dictate whether or not someone will be a good parent. But hey, the guys who don’t want kids won’t bother with me! And I know sometimes someone falls for someone only to later find out they don’t want kids. That isn’t easy to deal with…

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  1. Exactly, every situation is different and I just don’t see the point in judging or shaming anyone. I think women especially need to stick together, I was really surprised to hear it was a woman writing that article but there are lots of women, and men, who will not prejudge you and I believe there are also good guys out there who could treat you and your daughter with kindness and love, you just have to find them! And it seems like you’re going to be cautious about choosing the right guy for you and your daughter so I think you’ll be just fine!(:

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    • Oh yes, we should definitely stick together. And moms even more so (but I won’t go into the “mommy wars” 😉 ) I almost couldn’t believe it was a woman either, not with the strong words she was using. I have no idea if she’s a mom or not, but she clearly has no empathy. And thank you so much, I do hope so very much one day I can find that special guy who is willing to date a single mom. 🙂

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  2. Pingback: Better Year for Blogging | raw honesty

  3. Sadly a lot of men think this way when you decide to start dating too. It’s horrible and quite wrong. You’ll see online especially where they will specifically not look for women with children. Like really? Are we in the stone ages? It’s as if people think we should suffer when in a bad relationship and stay when in reality I think it does more harm to the children to be around an unstable marriage or partnership. You just gotta do you cause in the end it’s all about you and yours. I’m blogging about single mom dating, feel free to follow along and see what we all go through. Best of luck!

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    • I personally know of a few people who don’t want kids, and therefore don’t wish to date someone with kids. I don’t hate them for it. I do, however, loathe the people who badmouth single moms and act like no-one should date a single mom. Not all relationships work out (or life happens, as in my case), and it doesn’t mean because a child was born, that woman should never date again.
      I will check your blog out sometime! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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