I hung out with a friend this evening, just for a couple hours. The baby and I went over to her apartment, and we sat around talking, and played Farkle. It was my first time, and I lost the first game, but beat her badly the second. It was fun!
She mentioned dating. And, while I’m not ready to date at this point, she made me feel like it’s okay. It was such a relief! Anytime the idea of dating someone enters my head, I feel terrible, that I’m somehow betraying Clayton, that it hasn’t been nearly long enough for the idea to even enter my thoughts.
I am not ready to date at this point. I get attached too easily, and at this point, it would hurt a lot if I got attached and he just left. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I’ve decided that,
- I need to handle being single again. I need to be okay to be alone. Dating someone to fill a void in your life isn’t fair to the other person, and isn’t fair to yourself. I don’t want to become dependent on someone else for being content and happy. I need to reach that before I date. Before Clayton and I got together, that’s what I was doing. And then we happened before I was really ready…but I don’t know if someone who wants a relationship will ever truly be content until they get their heart’s desire. But they can at least learn how to be single.
- I need to be employed (I won’t say “working” because trust me, stay at home moms work plenty!), and/or in school. Like I said above, I get attached too easily, and if I don’t have anything else going on, he would quickly become too much to me, and I can’t do that. Clayton was my world, outside of my daughter. Which, I’m not saying even if he wasn’t, his death wouldn’t have affected me. No, it still would have destroyed me regardless. I just cannot make another man my world at this point. I’m not sure how I’d handle losing him (through a breakup, I certainly hope I don’t lose another loved one to death for a very long time). It would probably hurt a lot, and I don’t want to deal with more heartbreak for a long time. I need other things to keep me busy instead of just seeing him, and at this point, I don’t have other things. And I’d rather not have a man be my world, rather be in my world.
- I need to finish working through the grieving process. I know there is no timetable, but when you know you’re not ready because you’re still grieving pretty hard…well, no brainer- stay single!
So yeah. But the bright side- I did get hired, CNA position! I have an interview (same position) somewhere else tomorrow. It’s closer so if they offer me the job, I may take it instead. We’ll see!
Just talking with her about the whole dating thing made me feel loads better.