A Decision Made

Monday I went to the career college to talk about the dental assistant program. It went very well, and I got a tour of the place, and the classroom.

And I enrolled.

I am so excited!!

I had an financial aid appointment Tuesday, and got all that worked out. Some of it still makes no sense, but whatever. I know what the cost is, how much I’m getting in loans, and pell grants. How that stuff works- no idea.

I will start classes the 26th, and will graduate in October. As I left there Monday, I was beaming like a crazy woman. I am going to school! I should be in a new career this fall. Moving out finally looks manageable. I can support my daughter and myself.

I am also working part time- very part time. Only 24 hours a pay period. Which I’m okay with. I’d like maybe a little more than that, but the place I’m at, is so boring that the 24 hours every two weeks is going to feel like a lot longer.

After I start classes, I may look for a job only working weekends, and get 32 hours a pay period. But we’ll see how school goes, and if I need the weekends to study. I’ll have classes Monday-Thursday, 6pm-10:30pm, and Fridays 6pm-10pm. So, all week. And if I need weekends to study, can’t be working.

Anyway.

Life is finally holding some excitement for me again. I feel like I’m learning to live again since Clayton’s death. My life will never be the same without him in it, so I guess going to school is the first step to making a new life, a new normal, for me. His place in my heart will always be sad, empty, but I feel like this is the first step forward.

It’s hard moving on after the death of someone you love. You feel guilty. You feel guilty for getting excited and/or happy. Because as soon as you feel great, you want to tell them, and instantly remember they’re gone, and then you feel sad and maybe even guilty. Sad they’re not here, guilty for feeling so happy.

Monday as I left, I was walking to my car, smiling like mad, and my first thought was I can’t wait to tell Clayton! to I can’t tell him and I felt immediate sadness, and my excitement at starting school, dimmed to nearly nothing.

I had to shake myself out of it. I may have even said it aloud,don’t feel guilty for being excited, he would be happy for you.

And he would have been. He may have encouraged me to go for my LPN instead of my dental assistant, but in the end, he would have supported me and encouraged me to go forward.

So, I’m going to be excited. I’m going to let myself be happy. But when I need to cry, I will do that, too.

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