5 Year Journal| Day 50

What has challenged your morals?

This one is not an easy one…

Only one instance is popping to mind, and I don’t know if it counts as my morals being challenged. I did fail, though.

So. The story goes I had just started working at the nursing home, and I was super quiet, and didn’t fit in yet. And ya know, I didn’t want to stand out or cause problems.

Getting another CNA in trouble for abuse is really hard. Unless you have proof, it doesn’t happen. It’s your word against theirs.

Anyway. I was still orientating, and we were getting a lady up for dinner.  She was pretty far gone in the stage of dementia, and didn’t know who we were, what we were doing. She was riled up, yelling at us, calling us “dumb bunnies” (that had me rolling).

The girls I was with, they were getting annoyed with her, speaking harshly, loudly. I wanted to say something, tell them she isn’t herself, be nice. Because they were in the wrong, but I remained silent- something I’ve always regretted, and vowed not to do again.

They went a step further. One grabbed the pillow and put it over her face, telling her to “shut up”. It was only for a brief second or two (and seriously, recounting this story has me cringing in shame and hate at myself- what the hell, why did I stay silent against THAT?!).

They were laughing hard, saying how hilarious it was. It had riled her even further.

We finally got her dressed and in her chair, despite her kicking and swinging punches at us.

If that was a challenge to my morals- I failed. I hang my head with regret. If that type of situation comes again, I don’t care if I’m new, I am NOT standing by quietly. I should have at least reported it, let the supervisors do what they will. The fact I did nothing kills me to this day, nearly two years later.

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10 Comments

  1. Sometimes our complete shock at someone else’s poor behavior makes us too stock still to react! What a horrible thing for the resident and for you as well. But it grew your compassion to never allow this to happen under again, your charge. Be well!

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  2. Forgive yourself and move forward. We all have regrets. This will be with you always. Fear prevents us from doing anything when it happens. And not forgiving yourself will prevent you from growing. You will be ready next time. No, that doesn’t make it easier, it is what it is. You are in a harsh profession, sadly lift was society makes jokes about old people and lessor physically adept. Likely your complaints would have fallen on deaf ears. I’m not existing it. I’m saying, you know now the potential you have to make a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

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