5 Year Journal| Day 72

Are you happy?

Not lately, I haven’t been. Grief comes and goes in massive waves and this week, I’ve been drowning.

Today, we’re going to look at headstones. I would much rather he be alive, but he’s not, so I am glad to finally mark his grave…

Clayton had been on my brother’s cell phone plan. My brother kept the number these last four (tomorrow) months, and the other day, my sister got on his plan. Taking Clayton’s number. I knew she was talking about it, but that was awhile ago.

A few nights ago in class, I get a text. I barely glanced at, and just saw part of the message, saying “hey it’s (insert sister’s name)”. I didn’t even pay attention to who it was from.

On break, I took my phone out to reply. And that’s when I noticed his number, his picture- and it just hurt so bad. I know he’s gone, and I didn’t even think for a second it was him. Instead, it just felt like a cruel joke.

I thought I was okay with her getting his number…but now I don’t think so.

Well, it didn’t help that I’ve been incredibly emotional lately either, though. Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much had it been another time. I don’t know.

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