Back to dating

So, I mentioned that I’m no longer in school. Back when I was, and working, I figured I could handle dating. The thought of dating no longer sent waves of guilt through me. I definitely do not want to date again- I miss Clayton so much, and I would rather he be here. I know we’d just fight and bicker and make up. But I would rather that than this void in my life.

But he’s not coming back. I can’t wait for a dead person (I know that sounds harsh but it’s how I handle it- he’s dead, not gone because that sounds too much like he’ll be back and he won’t be).

I felt ready to date again. So I created an online profile on Plenty of Fish. To date, I still haven’t had anything super creepy or disgusting. Very refreshing. I was also trying to respond to every message. Heck, I even sent out a few firsts! Some guys responded, some didn’t. I brushed it off. Eventually that got too difficult, so I’ve quit trying. Also, I wasn’t responding to any “Clayton’s” (that’s the name I’ve given him here).

And guess what? I got one of the best messages from one. He was also attractive and he used his full name, vs the common nickname, so I decided why not.

After just a couple days, we met up in the afternoon for a walk in the park. My mom kept my daughter for me, and off I went.

It was awkward, but I had a good time. He wore sunglasses the entire time, which was slightly off-putting, but I slipped mine back on, and tried to ignore it.

As we went to split ways a couple hours later, he wanted to kiss me. I said no, and that was that.

We resumed texting, and my date for Friday night canceled. I had canceled on him the Friday before, so I almost wonder if it was intentional, but we’re trying again for Saturday so maybe it wasn’t.

Anyway, with my Friday night cleared up, I met up with- let’s call him Rich. It was only for an hour and a half, but I had way too much fun. A really good time. The few beers I had may have helped that, though.

I told my sister I’d be back before midnight, so we left at about eleven thirty. We hugged, and he went in for a kiss, and I looked away. He assumed I didn’t have a good time, and I was forced to explain that I’m not really into kissing.

I love kissing during foreplay, but honestly, if sex isn’t followed, I don’t have much interest in kissing. Unless, like with Clayton, I’ve been with the guy for awhile, then I don’t mind it. But just a kiss goodbye? No thanks, not into that with a new guy.

We have hung out a few more times, and our texting has been pretty dirty. We’re going to have sex, I know it. It’s just a matter of time. I want to have sex so bad, it’s been forever. But the idea of being sober for first time sex, no…No. I have never had first time sex sober. My list of guys can be counted on one hand, but I was intoxicated every time.

Plus all the build-up. Ugh. I want alcohol in me before it happens. Not drunk, just a nice buzz. But I promised myself no more drunk first time sex. Urgh!

My daughter is eight months old, and I did bring her with me the last two times I saw him. If I hadn’t, pretty sure we would have been on all over each other. Now, I know some will judge me and say it’s way too early to bring her around him.

I disagree. One, she is less than a year old, and two, with her dad’s side of the family, she is always meeting new people. I won’t parade her around guys, or them around her, but for now, I think it’s okay. Judge me if you want- I’ve made peace with my decision.

Anyway. Another thing that bothers me is I’m still breastfeeding. The idea of him messing with my boobs- just no. But he doesn’t know, I never mentioned it (and why would I?). Pretty sure I won’t leak during sex. Getting myself off, I don’t leak. When she was younger, sometimes having an orgasm, my breast would leak a little, but they don’t anymore. Or they don’t. Watch them do it with him.

And that brings me to this- none of my bras fit but my nursing bras, and they’re unattractive. I want to wear something sexy. I want to feel sexy. I guess I could, and just hope there is no leaking that gets my bra all wet.

With Clayton none of this mattered. He found me desirable, leaky breast and all. I just wouldn’t let him touch because, sure they’re bigger than normal, they just aren’t sexual to me anymore, not while my baby feeds from them.

I am really enjoying Rich though, and this wasn’t suppose to happen. I wasn’t suppose to met someone and start looking forward to their texts, to seeing them. Like I told my friend, am I this comfortable with him for him or because of his name? am I trying to get my Clayton back?

The two have some similarities, that’s for sure. And some stark differences. Any time I catch myself comparing the two, I immediately stop. Comparison is not fair, and it doesn’t do any good.

He is going through a divorce, and yes it’s being filed. I’m probably just his rebound, and he’s probably just mine. But damn it. The same name??

I still haven’t met anyone else, all the dates get canceled, mostly due to the fact my babysitter falls through. Maybe tomorrow I will be meeting someone else. And like I said, possibly Saturday. I hope so. While another part of me doesn’t want to. I just want to enjoy Rich, but I know I need to keep my options open.

This ended up being way longer than I thought, so I’ll end here.


  1. Good for you for getting back out there. Only you know when you’re ready and what u want to do. Enjoy it all, there may be a few rebounds or one may just be fabulous and it evolves into something. Whatever, just enjoy the ride and try to not feel guilt or any other negative feelings towards it

    Liked by 1 person

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