A lot has happened

 

I haven’t written lately. I haven’t wanted to, although there’s a few blogs I still come back to read.

I moved into my own apartment a month ago. It’s a two bedroom, and for now the baby and I are sharing a room. Once I get a bigger bed, I’m moving into the other room, though. I have had a twin size bed for forever, and I can’t wait to get a queen size.

Anyway! I’ll give an update on my dating life.

Rich and I quit hanging out because I wasn’t quite ready to have sex. Despite his profile stating he’s cool with just being friends, no sex. Okay, sure. I was okay with it being over. He reminded me too much of Clayton, and it broke my heart. He reminded me slightly of John Doe as well, and let’s just say I don’t want him in my life, and I don’t want constant reminders.

Lee and I have continued to hang out. Not a lot, I am a single mom after all. And I don’t really have anyone to watch my daughter anymore since my sister had her new baby. He tried to kiss me on the first date but I said no. He left it at that, and to my happiness, he didn’t try anything the second time.

The third date, I believe it was, I let him kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, anyway. It was weird. I don’t know if it’s his kissing style, or what.

Last month, I had sex with him. Sober, first time sex. My sexual partners number is single digits, but each one, I was drunk for the first time. So, first time sober sex is a big deal. It was also the first time I’ve had sex with anyone else since Clayton and I got together in 2013. And of course, since he died.

It hurt when he entered me, and my first thought was “good, my baby didn’t stretch me out permanently.” I guess that’s probably a weird thought to have during sex, but… it was my thought process.

I’ll admit I did hope he didn’t have a condom so I could say no, because I was changing my mind about doing it. Not because I didn’t want sex, because I did. But because I was nervous. I was nervous to be with someone sober. I was scared I would get attached. And I felt like I was betraying Clayton.

Lee started texting me first more after we had sex. But we’ve only seen each other once since then, and we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period. Well, we could have. But I don’t like to, and he stopped when I told him.

I’m not attached. Actually, I felt nothing. Not regret, not anything. Do I like Lee? Yeah, I enjoy hanging out with him. I can be a smartass, and he just dishes it back. He doesn’t call me an angel, and I really like that. I don’t feel like I need to be extra good because he expects it.

I went on a date with another guy, who I’ll call Alex. I didn’t even feel guilty for going on a date after having sex with Lee. I didn’t feel tied to him, and that’s weird for me.

Before I knew it, Alex was saying I should come spend the time, and he’d make up a bed for the baby. I tell him no, I don’t think so.

Again, I am a single mom. I don’t have a lot of free time. Well, last week he texts me and basically says our schedules won’t work and he isn’t going to use his free time being friends with someone. I was with my sister from out of state, and decided I’d reply later, if at all.

An hour later, he’s texting me again saying he doesn’t like I didn’t respond. Wtf? You’re rejecting me, and then upset I don’t respond? I sent him a text, being nice, and just said thanks for telling me.

Somehow we end up texting, and next thing I know, he says he’ll come see me Friday night. Um…okay. Well, he gets here, and we talk and joke. I was being a smartass in my joking, and he’d always look so offended. Just too sensitive. Jeez.

He left when I said I needed to get to bed. I wake up to a text from him in the morning that says thanks the opportunity to get to know me and have a goodnight and life. I read that, shook my head, and got out of bed. Have a good life? Seriously. Wow.

Honestly, I was glad he changed his mind- again. Because I had decided after he left, I was done. He talked and talked and talked and then when I went to say something on the subject, he said let’s not talk about it. Oh, and he didn’t even make sense.

So. Back down to just Lee. He wants to take me on a ride on his boat. I’m down with that!

We’ve been seeing each other since late March. And have had sex. I don’t know what we are, what he wants, none of that. He is still on POF. I deleted my account after Rich. I decided I didn’t have the time to try and date and if the guys I was talking to worked out, fine, but I was done looking.

A part of me wants to ask Lee. But I don’t want to be exclusive, and if he does, well I figure he’ll bring it up. I do want to have sex. And with him, I feel like that’s the only thing we need to make this about. I fucked his friends right before I met Clayton. No idea how close they are, but the point is I did. And I also feel like he’s a mistake. Is he a mistake or do I feel that way because I’m not actually ready for a relationship? I don’t know. But if I just want sex, do I tell him or no? I don’t know what to do.

I do know I want to go out this weekend and get a nice buzz. And have sex.

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2 Comments

  1. It’s good to hear from you, I was thinking about you just the other day. Oh my, A LOT has happened, hasn’t it? Men can be so much more dramatic than women, but I’m glad you’ve seem to stumbled across a decent guy. I think you should honestly try. Push aside all those bad feelings (unless you feel like he’s a secret murder, or something…), take a deep breath, and just give it a shot. Only time will tell if he is really right for you.

    Also, it took nearly 10 months for me to have real sex after my kiddo was born. It hurt. A lot. It hurt each time (I had a 4th degree tear, and was worried I was all stretched out, but nope!). I’ve been trying to have more sex lately, mostly for him, to try and get used to the feeling again, since it’s been nearly a year and a half since I was completely ripped open. Thanks, sweet child of mine!

    Just keep at it, sweetheart. You’re doing awesome. You have a good head on your shoulders, and you know what is best for you and your little one. 🙂

    Like

    • I don’t think he’s a secret murderer, lol, just maybe a player. Which doesn’t set right with me. He knows I am a single mom, about my daughter’s dad dying, and I don’t have a lot of free time. And someone to play with that? Bothers me a lot. I don’t know for sure he’s dating or having sex with other girls, but I suspect he’s at least still dating. He recently updated his POF profile picture. Which, if you aren’t really looking, why?
      I want to be okay with just sex, but I won’t be with him. And now I’m kind of at a loss…

      Ouch!! I only needed a couple stitches after having my daughter. And before Clayton died, we had had sex, and it hurt at first, but quickly felt amazing. It’s just the initial penetration that hurts, before it starts feeling good.

      Like

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