He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

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You’ve got to be kidding!

Omg, seriously? Why?!

The 15th was the primary election in my state. And Donald Trump won. Just barely beat Ted Cruz, but nonetheless he did.

I don’t care if you like Cruz or not, but Trump? Why does anyone vote for him? He is not presidential material. Just ugh on so many levels.

I don’t like either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but he was projected to win. She just barely beat him. Pretty much I like him a smidgen better than her, but I’m not sure.

I’m just full of disgust Trump won my home state. Sorry not sorry if you like him. He doesn’t need to be America’s next leader.

Well, that was awkward

The other day I went by Target, and I hadn’t been there very long when this guy starts trying to get my attention with a couple “hello’s”.

I immediately got self-conscious. He was saying how he sometimes feels “God leading him to say something” and I’m like oh man, this is awkward- I thought he was going to tell me I had blood on the back of my pants. Poor, brave guy!

But that wasn’t it.

He is awkward, and rambles on about how do girls show they’re interested in someone, and since I’m a woman, maybe I can help him out. I utter a little laugh, and before I can even begin to answer, he switches it up.

“I love to worship God, you know, and we worshipped together, and it was really great. I mean, it’s really hard to find a woman who worships God, and we worshipped together! But since then…” and he went on to say something about things aren’t the same, she seems a little distant or something. “So what should I do? Do I ignore her? or can I walk up to her when I see her in church?”

I said something along the lines of, “No, don’t ignore her if you’re interested. You could play it cool, be friendly, talk to her for now, and later bring up your interest. Or, you could cut out the games, and just tell her.”

He thanked me for my advice, and I’m like good luck.

How does a woman act when she’s interested? I don’t know, it depends on the woman.

How does a man act when he’s interested?

Clayton and I played so many games, it was frustrating. I liked him, but I wanted to play it “cool”, not come across as clingy. I loathed the idea of another friend with benefits relationship after being hurt so badly just a few months prior to the other FWB relationship. But I didn’t want to seem pushy or needy or anything negative, so instead of just saying I didn’t want to be a booty call, I pretended I was okay with it.

I wasn’t. I lied to him, I lied to myself.

We were constantly playing games, refusing to admit how much we cared about one another. Oh, sometimes we would tell each other. But so often, we didn’t.

Towards the end, I was just so afraid of being hurt, I was scared to confess to him just how much I loved him. I will always regret that.

Words of affection don’t mean anything without action. But with action, it is okay to use your words. So use them.

I hate game playing. Man, I hate it. Just thinking about it upsets me. Why can’t a man or woman just admit when they’re interested in someone? Take a chance, tell them. The most they can do is reject you, and guess what? It just means you won’t be getting emotionally involved.

I’m not advocating gushing mushy feelings after five minutes of knowing someone. But if you’ve been on a few dates and are truly interested and excited about this person, let it be known.

I seriously am dreading the idea of dating again. I dread the games. His “oh I can’t text her” or his lack of effort for fear of being “too serious.”

I’m not perfect. I have been known to not text because I don’t want to be clingy. But I seriously aim to be a lot more straightforward and honest when I do return to dating. Not interested? I want to let him know instead of just trying to ignore him, or decline “hanging out” so many times he gets the hint.

Since when is showing interest in someone a bad thing? Do you or don’t you want a relationship? If you do, put yourself out there. Sure it’s scary, but so is life.

If you don’t, and all you want is sex, tell them.

All this leading someone on, hiding behind games annoys me. Why are we so afraid of real dates? “Just hanging out.” Why can’t we go on a date?

Not interested? Say so. Interested? Don’t let your fear stop you from showing it.

As I was driving home, a thought hit me. What if he was doing one of those joke videos you see on YouTube? Asking a bunch of people a question. I didn’t even look around to see if anyone was filming! But I concluded it was legit… Either that, or he was incredibly good at acting super nervous and awkward.

Single Mom: To date or not to date?

So last night I was in search of single mom groups in my area. I really feel like I could use the support especially since Clayton’s death. A lot of what popped up was dating sites and articles about single moms dating.

One article in particular (which I’m not linking to because it was so disgusting) made me feel pretty terrible. It was saying that any woman to have a baby outside of wedlock are idiots. That having a baby outside of an established relationship a terrible idea. And while I do believe marriage is the best place to have children, I don’t regret my daughter. Marriages fail- divorce is rampant. Unfortunately.

That single moms don’t care about their child’s future or well-being, that the child will do poorly in life (depression, drug abuse, jail, suicide, emotional problems, lower education problems, etc). That hit the hardest. During my pregnancy all I could think about was my baby’s future (I still do). I want to give her the best. And the idea of her dealing with such problems, ugh. It breaks my heart. But you know what? Even if Clayton and I had married, he still died. I’d still be a single mom, although this article started out saying widowed moms aren’t single moms. That they are widowed and to call them single would insult his memory, her, and her children.

Well, what about a single mom who was dating the daddy, and he died? Where do I fit in? Am I a woman to steer clear of for my single mom status? Clayton and I had been back together (we had officially called in two months prior to his death), and we were working out issues, and mending us.

I’m not ready to even begin dating again, but even when I do, I am not looking for a daddy for her. Her daddy died. He cannot be replaced. When I do begin dating, I’m not looking to replace him. No other man can ever be him. I do hope that I will one day find a man who loves my baby, and cares for her as his own. Just as my brother in law has done with my niece.

That single moms should have an abortion instead of bringing a child into this world. That a single mom has screwed up, most she can do is not screw up her child’s life (because killing your child doesn’t screw up their life). I absolutely do not feel like I screwed up my life by having a baby. Yes, things have changed a lot, but I would not call it screwed up. I sincerely hope I am a good mom and don’t screw up my child. Because, yes, married couples can screw up their child’s life. It isn’t just single moms capable of that.

That being a single mom makes you a bad decision maker; that having a baby out of wedlock is the worst decision you could have made. Having a baby out of wedlock was not the worst decision I’ve made, and being a single mom definitely doesn’t make me a bad decision maker.

It also says that while men don’t mind a woman’s sexual history, he doesn’t want her uterus to have been occupied before him because he doesn’t want to compete with a baby daddy. (Yet, if she had an abortion, that uterus has still been occupied and there is still a baby daddy out there.) And if a woman has a long list of lovers, or anyone serious in her past, I think at times the occasional thought of “am I competing against someone?” may cross his mind. Of course, I could be way off base here.

The article also went on briefly about divorced moms- look out for their flaw because it’s there! Bashing women and basically saying how the divorce is the fault of the woman and she must be controlling or some other major flaw. And, heaven forbid the husband was abusive, an addict or some other major deal, well that woman was clearly a moron for even getting together with him.

Was I a moron for dating Clayton, an alcoholic? Well, this ties in with decision making, I reckon. It wasn’t the best decision. Unfortunately, by the time I realized he was an alcoholic, I had already fallen in love with him, and I couldn’t leave him. Although I did try. I always went back because I needed to know he was okay. In the long run, he wasn’t okay, he died. As much as I tried to help him, I couldn’t. My love couldn’t save him.

I think the only thing I agreed with was be cautious of a woman who will take absolutely none of the blame for her failed relationship. No one party is entirely innocent.

If I am not dateable due to having a child, fine.

In another article by the same woman (yes a woman wrote this), she says hell yeah to dating single dads, because they are responsible and put the child first, that single moms absolutely do not.

Excuse me, but my daughter does come first. Every decision I make, I think about her. All I do is think about her! How to raise her to be a strong, capable woman with a compassionate heart. How to care for her, how to set a good example for her.

I don’t think refusing to date a woman due to her motherhood status is a good reason to avoid dating her. If you’re opposed to having children, by all means, do not date her.

But the same goes for a woman. If she’s opposed to having children, do not date a (single) father.

When Clayton and I first got together and I found out he had a daughter, I was kind of disappointed. I love children and have always wanted children. But, for some reason, it just wasn’t something I wanted to hear. But then decided he wasn’t serious about me, and we were just hanging out to hook up, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have dated him if he wanted to be serious since I didn’t like the idea of a kid.

By the first month’s end, I really didn’t care he had a daughter. And a few months later, I finally met her, and she was just adorable. He was pleased she and I both liked each other, and I was relieved she liked me. Little kids can be funny.

Anyway, one more thing. The idea of dating as a single mom actually scares me. I have read so many heartbreaking stories of a single mom’s boyfriend beating, molesting, even killing her child. When I do date, the boyfriend will not be watching my baby girl. He won’t be my free babysitter (something some of the article’s commenters were saying single moms do, use the man she’s dating to watch their kids).

The idea of another man watching my baby girl terrifies me. It will take a lot to entrust him with the most precious thing to me. And that’s only after I know his character well. Of course, there are some men (women too) who can hide their true self. The BTK serial killer is a prime example.

Not all single moms are great. Some are horrible. But so are some married moms.

#BlackLivesMatter

There are two reasons I don’t like the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter.

  1. I think it causes even more of a racial divide, and that’s not good. We’re trying to end racism. How can we end something if we’re focusing on the importance of black lives, while saying “white privilege” to the next? And, okay, what exactly is “white privilege”? I’m white, but in no way at all am I more privileged because of my white skin. I can still be creeped out walking alone in a bad area. Because white girls get raped, too. I don’t get paid more an hour because I’m white; in fact, I’d get fired quicker than a black girl because I couldn’t cry racism played a part in it. I’m honestly not getting what “white privilege” means. I’m not in college…because I can’t afford it. I could go on.
  2. Every single life matters. I know, I’ve heard it over a dozen times- “if you’re one of the people who say every life matters you’re part of the problem.” I don’t agree with that. Why? Because I am recognizing the importance of all lives and you’re focusing on black lives only.

This is not about ending racism and showing the value of black lives. Or at least that’s not what the media is doing. Behind the scenes, I’m sure- I hope- there is more. But what is being shown, and even from white black-lives-matter activists, it’s all I see. All I see is “police shoot black…”.

Excuse me, but when an officer is attacked by a black man, where are you, the activists and media, then? When a black man shoots another black man, where are the activists and media? When a black man rapes a white woman, where are the activists and media? When a black woman aborts her baby, where are the activists and media? When a black man kills a white man, where are the activists and media?

Oh right. The activists and media only focus on whites hurting/killing blacks. They ignore the rest. Because it doesn’t further their cause. They ignore black on black crime. They say black lives matter, they scream it from the top- but are utterly, totally silent on the thousands of black babies who are aborted. I thought black lives matter? Why so silent on those innocent deaths? (I know why for those who are pro-choice, but the ones who are pro-life- why are you silent about it, hm?)

I am not racist, although you may not believe me because I’m not in support of #BlackLivesMatter. I don’t care what color your skin is. And, I wouldn’t say that every black individual that has been the victim of a police shooting was done by a racist cop either. I know, I know. “Well whites don’t get shot, the police just arrest them.” Have you ever seriously stopped and thought that: this is a different police officer, a different city/state, and no situation is exactly the same? There are differences, some big, some small. If the same officer that shot a black person, was in another very similar situation only with a white person instead, and didn’t fire his gun, then yeah. Maybe he is a racist cop.

We got to stop saying every cop who shoots a black person is racist. That’s not true. Just like it’s not true that all cops are bad; you do have your good cops, too. Just as blacks don’t want to lumped into a bowl of “criminals” based off color, let’s not lump all officers into a bowl of “bad.”

I don’t believe we can ever end racism. I don’t believe we’re ever going to change some people’s hearts. What I hope we can end is racial violence (and this goes all the way across the board; black on white, white on black, including Mexicans, etc- all races can be racist towards any race and have racial violence).

Racial violence needs to stop.

We are all human; we all bleed red.

Words Can Damage

He tells me how beautiful and sexy I am, how amazing I am. That any guy would be lucky to have me. That I’m a good person.

But I’m not good enough for him. I’m good enough to have sex with. But I’m not good enough to date. I’m not worth having a “label” with. Because someone better might come along, and it’s an easier break if we’re not “really” together.

I wrote that in either July or August, 2013. But it doesn’t change the fact those words are still true to this day. I’ve heard the phrases “you’re too good for me”, “I don’t deserve you” and other lines similar several times. And those are such bullshit words. All it means is “I think you’re great…but not that great that I’m going to be a better person for you.”

That is damaging to a girl (and I suppose, for guys too, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to just focus the girl aspect of it). It tells her she’s this great person- smart, funny, beautiful- and how you’re this bad person undeserving of someone so wonderful. But then you keep using her!

You’re singing her praises, but won’t step up and be a person worthy of her. No, you just keep using her. And using her. And eventually the actions completely drown out those complimentary words, and hearing those words only bring hurt. You make her feel worthless, dirty, used.

Because instead of becoming the guy who deserves her, you just hold onto her, just close enough she sticks around in hopes you come around. Instead of letting some guy be lucky to have her, you tear down her self-esteem. Instead of making her feel like this wonderful person you say she is, you make her feel like shit.

It’s damaging to stay with someone like that, it’s such a foolish choice. When you stay with someone who is just using you for sex, yet declaring how perfect you are, it literally pulls you down. It makes you feel worthless. It tears you down, and you think that you’re the total opposite. Because, really, if you were all that awesome, wouldn’t this guy be making you his? Wouldn’t he do whatever it takes to be “deserving” of you?

He tells you over and over how lucky anyone would be to have you, yet turns around and simply uses you for sex. And you’re left thinking “anyone but him…?”

I don’t know why girls stay with a guy who is using them for sex. If he’s using you for sex, that’ll most likely never change. Oh, he can deny it over and over, tell you he really has feelings for you. And hey, maybe he does feel for you a little more strongly than the next girl. But in the end, things won’t change. He won’t change. Eventually, you’ll stop believing his words, even the words saying “I like you more than just having sex”, because his actions will prove to you what you really are.

Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of tearing you down, leaving you hurt, leaving you feeling like a dirty, used girl.

Or maybe that’s all just been my experience.

Intolerant Bigot: Transgender Disagreement

This Bruce Jenner thing has filled my Facebook newsfeed since the Vanity Fair cover, and the majority of it has been to praise him, or to bash “Christians” for disagreeing and saying they’re spreading hate and judgment. Maybe people are, but I personally haven’t seen a single “Christian” do either. They simply disagree! But, grab your hat and hang on tight- if someone disagrees, heaven knows they’re a hateful, judgmental, intolerant bigot.

I see differing opinions/beliefs from mine literally all the time on Facebook, and that’s perfectly ok. Because we all have a different set of opinions/beliefs, and I can respect that. Yet time and again, I see someone saying if anyone disagrees with the homosexual/transgender lifestyle, to please delete themselves off their page because they don’t have time for that kind of intolerance. Excuse me? It’s intolerant to disagree with someone? Wow, the things I learn from Facebook. (I had someone delete me because I simply liked an article over disagreeing with the Jenner change.)

I rarely post my opinion on these issues on Facebook. And, some may delete me or hate me for saying it, but I really don’t care. If I can read their posts all day that differ from my own opinions, and understand that we’re different, yet you can’t respect me for disagreeing- that makes you the intolerant one. Not me. But I guess tolerance really only goes for everyone, except for “Christian/religious” beliefs. My bad.

I will not call Bruce Jenner a woman. Because he is not. God doesn’t make mistakes. He didn’t accidently put a female soul in a male’s body. And by the way, don’t we tell girls it’s ok to be YOU without all the make-up, fake boobs, plastic surgery…etc? Yet, now we’re praising Bruce for being a woman with all that?

I guess I’m just a hateful, judgmental, intolerant bigot.