2017 is ending

I ended up continuing to fuck Lee all summer. I dived into the kinky world. No regrets. I also finally visited the dungeon.

My regret, though? Fucking him. A girl commented on his picture on Facebook “mine” a few weeks ago. He’s yours? Then why did he fuck me just a week before? No, I’m not mad at her. I’m upset with myself for seeing someone I know was fucking others. I just kept holding onto hope I would be “more” to him one day. Clearly, I am not, and never will be.

He did come out with me and a few friends for my birthday. I went with him to his friend’s house party as well. That gave me hope.

Don’t’cha know hoping is asking for hurt? Don’t hope.

I haven’t spoken to him in about 2 and a half weeks. I didn’t want to bring up her comment, let alone through text. But I have decided that I will. Not be crazy about it, just kind of let him know I saw her comment, it has sort of bothered me in that I didn’t know he was seeing someone that seriously (to the point of claiming him) and I don’t feel comfortable fucking someone who is dating someone.

I won’t say anything until I hear from him. If I do. Maybe he’s done with me, too. A mutual, unsaid ending. That works.

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A run in with a lover

I went out with some of my daughter’s dad’s family for dinner at a bar and pool hall place, and on my way out, ran into Lee. Quick update: He had ended up texting me, and then a few nights later I found a sexy outfit and sent him a photo. After about three weeks of no contact, I’d done a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion, I am not ready for a relationship. I want sex. I let my friends opinions get to me and make me unhappy.

Anyway. After we left, her aunt offered to keep my baby so I could go back out and I accepted. I didn’t say hi when I went back though, I walked right past him. He came up to me, and invited me to play pool with him and his friends. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t ever go over either. I went out to hang out my daughter’s dad’s family, and I wasn’t going to just ditch them the second I got there.

As the night got later, he disappeared, and I thought he left. I waited about 10 minutes before shooting a text and asking if he left. He said no, and he’s not leaving without me. That was hot. Except then he came over a little later, and goes “you ready?” when I was talking to someone. He wasn’t rude to him, but he definitely wasn’t very friendly. I thought maybe he was jealous…Who knows.

We go to his house, and he jumps in the shower. I climb in bed, and throw my clothes on the floor. He gets in bed, plays a movie. I get up to get a drink, and he sees then I’m naked. He approved. And then the fun happened. He didn’t tie me up, unfortunately, but I did carry bruises on my ass the next day.

And that’s that. I didn’t regret it. Until the other day. I texted maybe three times since (once because it was his birthday), and he responds but he hasn’t texted first. I’m back to no texting him. I am okay with sex. But I’m not okay with being ignored. Like…use me if you will, because I was using you too, but at least send me a damn text so I don’t feel so low.

Ugh. Games. I hate them. I also don’t know how to play them very well.

Needless to say, I got on Fetlife. I am not done exploring, and while I trust him, and wish I could explore with him, I’m not sitting on the sidelines. I went to a social gathering at a bar of other fetlife members. And goodness, it was great. I’ve never been so readily welcomed into a group before. I had been talking to someone from fetlife who walked in with me, but after I got vetted for the play space in my area, I couldn’t find him right away so I went in and a group welcomed me over to join them. It was fun. I hope to go again.

And I definitely want to go to the dungeon.

Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

3 Years

I haven’t been on here on in forever, and I decided to get on tonight. And boom, I have a notification telling me I joined 3 years ago. Has it really been that long?

So much has happened. My daughter and I went to Florida over Thanksgiving week. I ignored the fact Lee didn’t text and tell me happy Thanksgiving (for the record, I didn’t text him either).  I think we hung out the weekend before I left though. I don’t really remember.

My work had an 80’s theme Christmas party earlier this month, and I invited him. I really didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did. It was held at a hotel, and my co-worker and her fiancé got a room. Which is mostly where the fun happened.

A few things did stand out though. First, being when he saw he photo booth he straight up said we need to get our picture taken. Second, I told them I hadn’t seen some movie, and he is just so surprised, because he’s yet another “famous” movie I haven’t seen. He says we need to have a “catch you up on movies day” and I’m like yeah, that’s gonna be a lot of days, and he just says “I know.” Like he intends to keep hanging around.

I pointed out my unit manager to him. A little later he asks if he flirts with me. I said no, and he said he’s surprised. I laughed and said he’s gay. He goes oh, damn, and I straight up reply with “That’s what I said.” He just about dropped his cup, I shocked him. It was great.

One of my co-workers, in the dietary department, had asked me out. I ended up declining because we work together, but also because I’m 3 years older than him. Well, I hadn’t told Lee any of this. He sees the guy though, and says something about his shaggy hair. I’m like um…okay.

Needless to say, I got pretty drunk in the hotel room. Like drunk to the point, some of the drive home is blacked from my memory. Lee drove us to his house. On the drive, he says something about the guy with shaggy hair, and I blurt out, “Ya know, he asked me out.”

He looks at me. “Really? What’d you say?”

“I considered it, but I said no.”

He glances at the road, then stares at me. He says something about good, because I deserve better. He places his hand on my thigh, like that’s suppose to comfort me, or something.

I told him to not say that (that I deserve better).

He squeezes my thigh. “You do deserve better than him though.”

“Just stop it.”

He says my name. “You do deserve better! You’re better than that.”

“You don’t even know him, so just stop.”

He repeats himself.

I snap. “Stop saying that when you don’t even believe it yourself.”

He definitely looks shocked. “Why would you say that? of course I do!”

“No. No, ya don’t. Because you don’t even think I’m worth being exclusive with.”

He stares at the road. “That’s just me,” he finally says, “so take me out of the picture, and don’t you think you deserve better than him?”

I didn’t answer, and just stared out the window. I’m pretty sure a tear rolled down my cheek, but I was so angry! So angry at him. Angry for making fun of my co-worker, angry he said I’m better/deserve better than said co-worker without knowing him, and without thinking if I deserve better, he should fucking step up to the plate or walk the fuck away.

We get to his house, with rest the drive in silence, although I don’t remember rest of it. I think I may have passed out, but I don’t know. I remember going to the bathroom, and walking to his room. I promptly sat on the bed, and removed all of my clothing, leaving on  only my black, lace panties. He sat on the bed, and scooted up behind me. Being all sweet, wrapping his arms around me. I crawled away, and curled up under the covers like the little brat bitch I am sometimes. He played a movie, and I tried to stay awake. But I was so drunk. So tired.

He said my name. I ignored him. He begged me, “Please don’t be upset.”

I recall saying I wasn’t.

He asked me to look at him, so I turned my head, looked at him, and then rolled back over. I guess he had enough, because he grabbed me, and pulled me on his chest, wrapping his arms around me.

My last two thoughts were, “I hope my hair isn’t bothering him” and “I really miss Clayton holding me like this.”

I woke up a few hours later, and quickly seduced him awake. He had no problems with that.

Another couple hours, and I woke up him again because my babysitter needed me to come get my kid.

He drove me back to my apartment, and said he should take me shooting sometime. I agreed. I guess I didn’t scare him off.

We hung out for a couple hours last night, and it felt kind of perfect. Then I had to go get the kid, and told him I had to leave in like 15 minutes. He quit wrapping his gifts, and climbed in bed next to me to hold me. He scratched my back for a bit, and we kissed a little.

He thanked me for coming over, even if only for a couple hours, and that we should hang out again soon.

The last time I’d seen him, before the Christmas party, he had me over and we were looking at the paint colors and themes for his house. It was weird.

So that, and then with his actions last night- it confuses me. I do believe he likes me. But I don’t think he’s going to give me what I want. A real relationship. Exclusivity. Move forward.

All month I’ve decided 2017 either starts with ending it with him, or moving forward with him. I see it ending. But we’ll see. Time’s almost out for us, I do believe.

Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

It hit me

So I had texted Lee on Tuesday after staying the night Saturday. He had responded. But come Saturday, still nothing! I chalked it up to he really isn’t interested in me, and I will simply delete our texts, and be done.

Well, I was pretty resolved on that. Until that evening. I texted him, and we texted back and forth for awhile. About nothing really. Because we never really talk about anything.

He then texted me yesterday evening. Nice, he texted first!

But…I really do doubt he has that much interest in me. I think I’m more just some girl he’s getting sex from while he looks for someone else. Which, I’m okay with not being his “one”. That doesn’t bother me, because he’s not mine either. But to use me? I don’t like that. At least tell me what it is.

Tonight I decided to Facebook stalk (yes, I have gotten back on Facebook…unfortunately) this girl I know he hangs out with, and I assume fucking. They spent the day together. At his mom’s. He had his daughter, she had hers.

Why does this bother me? Because he isn’t opposed to other women’s kids. Apparently just mine. He also took this same girl out on a boat ride, with her daughter- and his- on father’s day. But offered to take me, if I found a babysitter.

Okay, okay. Maybe they’re just friends.

But I have never been sold on him.

The point of this post was really me coming here to say it hit me that the only reason I texted him Saturday was because I’m trying to keep his attention. I don’t need him, hell, I don’t really even want him. I just want him to want me.

I want to be wanted. And because I feel like his interest is dying down, I texted him hoping to get him back.

If my lack of free time is why he’s uninterested, I can’t change that. Although he is welcome to hang out with the baby and I. But if he’s uninterested due to me, well I can’t help that. Not everyone will love me, and I’m okay with that.

I really am okay, knowing that not everyone will love me. But it doesn’t mean it feels good when they start seeming uninterested!

Now that I realized what I’m doing (although thank goodness I’m not as bad as I use to be and text the guy every day), I’m going to work on fixing it.

Although honestly, I still have this desire to ask him to his face what we are doing, where we stand. Just because. I like forcing people to talk that awkward stuff, once I get past the awkwardness of bringing it up.

Have I said dating sucks?

There was no buzz

I wanted to get buzzed this past weekend because I was off work, and had been majorly depressed. Needless to say my coworker bailed (she got sick) and while I was fine with going out alone, Lee invited me over.

But let’s do Friday first.

I was staying in and just relaxing. Lee asked if I wanted company, and I said sure. We watched an episode of Dexter, and then had sex. I’m still not big into kissing him…

It was getting hot, and I asked if he wanted the fan on. He said he’d get hot either way. I’m like uh okay. I mean, I was on bottom. But then, it just got soo hot! And at that point, I was riding him, so I climbed off, turned the fan on, got a drink of water, and resumed.

He said I’m so sexy on top- which, I think, is the first compliment he’s given me.

He took the condom off towards the end. And his reasoning is he hates getting off with one on. Excuse me? That pissed me off. He knows I’m not on birth control, so why take it off to cum? Sure, he pulled out but still.

After, he laid down next to me and talked for about 30 minutes. He said he had to go like three different times, and that he didn’t want to go. I said nothing. I didn’t want him staying. Nor did I figure he would, anyway. I knew he had to work in the morning, and I doubted he had his work clothes.

But his whole talking for 30 minutes after sex just made me feel like it he was doing it because he assumes that is what girls want after sex- a conversation. And I have since been left with a very strong nagging feeling he’s a player.

Well, come Saturday evening, he texts and asks if I still have a babysitter. I said yeah, but not til 9. He said he’s dog sitting for his mom, and she has a pool if I’d wanna come over. A part of me wanted to say no and just go to the bar alone. But I said yes because I was hoping for the opportunity to ask something like “so we hooking up or is this actually going somewhere?” but it didn’t.

I had sex on his parent’s couch. I haven’t met them. And if I do? I feel awkward just thinking about it. Which is probably dumb, but still.

My baby’s sitter told me she’d keep her all night. So, after Lee and I had sex, he passed out, and I decided I’d fall asleep next to him. And that’s what I did. And felt extremely weird and awkward all night.

In the morning, I took 20 minutes trying to decide if I should wake him up and tell him I was leaving or not. I finally nudged him and when his eyes opened briefly I said I had to go. He just kinda looked at me, and I awkwardly patted his arm and left. I don’t even know if he was awake.

I texted him yesterday, just a copy of a text I sent to my sister and a couple friends about what a resident said. He texted back, and we joked about it for a few minutes, and that was that.

I don’t know if he doesn’t ask to hang out because he knows my free time is limited, and he just waits for me to mention it. Or if he’s really not that into me. And I’m just someone to screw while he looks for something better.

I am starting to like him. And I don’t want to be played and left hurting. So, I think it may be time to try and see where he stands. Is he still dating others? Yes, okay, then maybe I should cease contact. Does he want something more than sex with me? No, then let’s end this.

I bought two tickets to see Gary Allan because they were ten bucks a piece. I am going to invite him. And kind of go from there.