I Miss You

‘Cuz I miss you

I wanna hear your voice over the phone

feel your arms wrapped around me tight

what I wouldn’t give to see your smile

to hear your laugh

just one more time

I miss your smile, your laugh

the sound of your voice

I miss seeing your blue eyes light up

I miss your phone calls

and it kills me on the inside

knowing I won’t see your name

light up my phone

I hate you’re not a phone call

or a car drive away

I miss sending you pictures of our baby girl

I miss stopping by to surprise you

Life just isn’t the same with you gone

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Heartbreak

What do you do

when your heart’s been broken?

and the one you turned to is gone?

and the ache in your heart

is an empty space

that only you could fill

The tear drops fall like a spring rain

as I’m trying to say a final goodbye

I can’t really believe you’re gone

it wasn’t suppose to end this way

and I’m sorry I failed you

I loved you

and we had our fights

and we had our issues

but I loved you anyway

I wanted to be a family

and I think we were finally

working our way to it

For the first time in months

we really talked

I was so excited

yet so afraid

I didn’t know what to do

we’d been down this road before

and maybe if I could’ve just

let the past go

you’d still be here

As I hold our baby girl close

I thin of your great love for her

and I remember your never ending patience

even as she screamed

You told me once you were afraid

to have a baby with me

that I’d be a great mom

but you’d fail as a dad

I didn’t believe it then

I don’t believe it now

you loved her with all your heart

you were by far a greater dad

than you gave yourself credit for

And I love

and I miss you

and I want you back

It Wasn’t Suppose to be This Way

I wasn’t suppose to care

but I did

I wasn’t suppose to miss you

but I do

I wasn’t going to let you in

but I did

And now you’re gone

and I’m alone

It wasn’t suppose to end like this

me, hurting

I miss texting you stupid, silly shit

you cared less about

I miss lying next to you

your touch making me shiver

I miss talking to you

the sound of your voice

Hell I just miss you

I wasn’t suppose to

I knew you’d leave me

for her

I knew it’d end something like this

but I wasn’t suppose to cry

How I Feel

A poem.

I hate this feeling

of not belonging

And of jealousy

I lost in love

He has a baby with someone else

I lost to my sister

Who never wanted a husband and family

and has just that- my dream

And I have just myself to blame

Loving the wrong man,

even despite the sexy smile

Then there’s me wasting time

On a guy who isn’t sure he even wants another child

And every time I try to leave,

I feel guilted into staying

Even when it kills me to stay

and endure the unhappiness it gives me,

I don’t leave

I wrote it over the summer, and yeah I know it could be better, blah blah. But basically, it was me writing one night, letting out how I felt.

I also know I shouldn’t stay with him if I know it’s wrong. Sure, sometimes you’re not sure, but when once you are sure, I know you should end the relationship. I just find it really hard to hurt someone. And if I do, I want to fix it. But you can’t, not when you’re breaking their heart.

Memories

Are a bitch.

Here’s a poem I wrote last September.

 

There are memories I’d love to have erased

Instead they’re they are like a disease

Quiet, unknown

Life goes on

And like a snake, a sneak attack

It’s there again

Mocking you

Telling you it’s not gone away

You want to cry,

claw, scratch at something

Pulling at your hair,

closing your eyes tight

Begging to God it goes away

You hate it

You can’t block it

Time fades all memories, is the line you hear

Time doesn’t work for this

Every sound, every sight

It’s right there, torturing you

Til you can’t breathe,

til it consumes you

You’re forced to live it over and over

Then it slinks away

Peace at least

Peace for now…until it strikes once again

The Knife Kills

Sharp blades kill pain.

It’s not ideal, but it’s true. Cutting kills the emotional pain as the physical pain floods you. And with that said, I bring you a poem I wrote a couple years ago, “Killing Pain”:

I eye the knife warily

curious to what it’d be like to feel blade against skin

The emotional pain begging to be ended

I lower the blade

it touches skin

Dragging it across smooth flesh

the ache in my heart fades as physical pain blurs the lines

I know it’s wrong but I can’t stop

It’s an addiction

I crave the feel of the blade

there’s a darkness inside

twisting, pulling, dying to become unleashed

The battle rages, victory disappears a little more

every time the blade cuts my flesh

It almost doesn’t matter that I’m on the losing end

the blade feels so good

I bury the pain in my heart

with the blood on my arm

it’s pain I can handle

Staring at the cuts on my arm

I feel strangely satisfied

a small smile tugs at my lips

I feel sick inside wondering who I’ve become

this isn’t me

I ignore the voices in my head-

I must kill the pain no matter what

I don’t know what else to do

Over You

There were so many things

I wanted to say to you

but I didn’t

And I don’t know why

Now my chance has come and gone

You’ve moved on

And I’m nothin’ but a distant memory

I watched you go

I stood there, right there

for so long

Wishing like hell you’d turn around

and I could say everything

But you never looked back

I’m turning around

walking away

Finding myself along the way I lost it

You did a number on my heart

It still cares for you

It still longs for you

And no matter what I do or say

I still look back

hoping to see you

But you’re gone from me for forever

you left me for someone else

I was nothing more than a good time

so innocent and trusting

I was easy for you to trick

blind to the game you played

Thanks for these scars now on my heart

Does it ever even bother you

or was I just another win

Every time the pain starts to become too much

I remind myself

that all those things you said to me were lies

I never lost anyone who cared about me

It’s a good thing you’ve gone

’cause now I can move on