He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

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A real good spanking

Lee and I ended up texting, which then turned to sexting. And the following morning he sends me a text wanna come hang tonight and get tied up?

Well, that sounds enticing! I told him I’d try to get a babysitter. Because I make poor decisions sometimes. And damn it, I wanted sex!

My older sister agreed to keep the baby for me, and I let him know.

The first hour we’re outside while he’s moving his cars around, then we head in, and he takes a shower. I lay on the couch and watch TV. He joins me shortly later and we cuddle. He starts kissing me, stroking my side.

I’ve been strapped down once years ago and it was hot. Even being pinned down is hot. I love it. So when he said let’s head to the bedroom, I got up real quick.

In his room, the lights are off but the two reading lamps on his bed were on casting a dim glow. We kiss, he grabs my ass. I run my hands over his sexy shoulders. Then in a quiet voice, he demands I give him head.

I considered saying no, but I haven’t given head in forever, and I enjoy it. So I dropped to my knees and did his bidding. I couldn’t quite fit all his length in my mouth, although he demanded it, and I tried.

He makes me stand up, and lays me on my belly on the bed, and slaps my ass. He grabs his spanking whip and tells me since it’s my first time, he’ll go easy on me. He slaps, caresses, slaps. Each time getting harder. But never hard enough.

Then he fucks me.

After we’re done, we lay in bed for a bit talking about our jobs. Not very romantic, but I swear he talks after so the chance to have “the talk” doesn’t come up. And he never did tie me up…which left me slightly disappointed.

He finally gets up to let his dog inside. I dress and go downstairs. He watches a movie, and I look at the time. Getting late, almost 11:30 and I still have a 30 minute drive to my sister’s and another 15 to my place.

I go to the bathroom, come back, and while putting my shoes on, say it’s time for me to go. By the way he looks at me, I think he expected me to stay the night. He says “what” and I’m like I have to go get the baby.

He gets up and walks me to the door, and hugs me. And plants a kiss on my forehead.

What?

A lot has happened

 

I haven’t written lately. I haven’t wanted to, although there’s a few blogs I still come back to read.

I moved into my own apartment a month ago. It’s a two bedroom, and for now the baby and I are sharing a room. Once I get a bigger bed, I’m moving into the other room, though. I have had a twin size bed for forever, and I can’t wait to get a queen size.

Anyway! I’ll give an update on my dating life.

Rich and I quit hanging out because I wasn’t quite ready to have sex. Despite his profile stating he’s cool with just being friends, no sex. Okay, sure. I was okay with it being over. He reminded me too much of Clayton, and it broke my heart. He reminded me slightly of John Doe as well, and let’s just say I don’t want him in my life, and I don’t want constant reminders.

Lee and I have continued to hang out. Not a lot, I am a single mom after all. And I don’t really have anyone to watch my daughter anymore since my sister had her new baby. He tried to kiss me on the first date but I said no. He left it at that, and to my happiness, he didn’t try anything the second time.

The third date, I believe it was, I let him kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, anyway. It was weird. I don’t know if it’s his kissing style, or what.

Last month, I had sex with him. Sober, first time sex. My sexual partners number is single digits, but each one, I was drunk for the first time. So, first time sober sex is a big deal. It was also the first time I’ve had sex with anyone else since Clayton and I got together in 2013. And of course, since he died.

It hurt when he entered me, and my first thought was “good, my baby didn’t stretch me out permanently.” I guess that’s probably a weird thought to have during sex, but… it was my thought process.

I’ll admit I did hope he didn’t have a condom so I could say no, because I was changing my mind about doing it. Not because I didn’t want sex, because I did. But because I was nervous. I was nervous to be with someone sober. I was scared I would get attached. And I felt like I was betraying Clayton.

Lee started texting me first more after we had sex. But we’ve only seen each other once since then, and we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period. Well, we could have. But I don’t like to, and he stopped when I told him.

I’m not attached. Actually, I felt nothing. Not regret, not anything. Do I like Lee? Yeah, I enjoy hanging out with him. I can be a smartass, and he just dishes it back. He doesn’t call me an angel, and I really like that. I don’t feel like I need to be extra good because he expects it.

I went on a date with another guy, who I’ll call Alex. I didn’t even feel guilty for going on a date after having sex with Lee. I didn’t feel tied to him, and that’s weird for me.

Before I knew it, Alex was saying I should come spend the time, and he’d make up a bed for the baby. I tell him no, I don’t think so.

Again, I am a single mom. I don’t have a lot of free time. Well, last week he texts me and basically says our schedules won’t work and he isn’t going to use his free time being friends with someone. I was with my sister from out of state, and decided I’d reply later, if at all.

An hour later, he’s texting me again saying he doesn’t like I didn’t respond. Wtf? You’re rejecting me, and then upset I don’t respond? I sent him a text, being nice, and just said thanks for telling me.

Somehow we end up texting, and next thing I know, he says he’ll come see me Friday night. Um…okay. Well, he gets here, and we talk and joke. I was being a smartass in my joking, and he’d always look so offended. Just too sensitive. Jeez.

He left when I said I needed to get to bed. I wake up to a text from him in the morning that says thanks the opportunity to get to know me and have a goodnight and life. I read that, shook my head, and got out of bed. Have a good life? Seriously. Wow.

Honestly, I was glad he changed his mind- again. Because I had decided after he left, I was done. He talked and talked and talked and then when I went to say something on the subject, he said let’s not talk about it. Oh, and he didn’t even make sense.

So. Back down to just Lee. He wants to take me on a ride on his boat. I’m down with that!

We’ve been seeing each other since late March. And have had sex. I don’t know what we are, what he wants, none of that. He is still on POF. I deleted my account after Rich. I decided I didn’t have the time to try and date and if the guys I was talking to worked out, fine, but I was done looking.

A part of me wants to ask Lee. But I don’t want to be exclusive, and if he does, well I figure he’ll bring it up. I do want to have sex. And with him, I feel like that’s the only thing we need to make this about. I fucked his friends right before I met Clayton. No idea how close they are, but the point is I did. And I also feel like he’s a mistake. Is he a mistake or do I feel that way because I’m not actually ready for a relationship? I don’t know. But if I just want sex, do I tell him or no? I don’t know what to do.

I do know I want to go out this weekend and get a nice buzz. And have sex.

Complications

I met another guy- we’ll call him Lee. It started out nice enough; he sent me a message about living in the same town. I joked about loving it, but actually everyone who lives here, hates it.

He asked if it I went to the high school. I replied I was homeschooled. And suddenly he knew who I was. His older brother had screwed my older sister way back when- and my younger sister a few years ago.

Lee thought I was the other sister. I quickly set him straight. I am good on not having sexual relations with someone my sister had been with. He said well since I haven’t been with his brother, we should hang out. I agreed.

Mind you, I had met him at the time my younger sister slept with his older brother. We had gone to a pool party, and Lee was there. He had his daughter with him, and I remember thinking he was sexy AF, but he didn’t mind me any. So the fact he even mentioned meeting me at the pool party blew my mind. He even said he was disappointed I didn’t remember him. I remembered his sexy self alright- and the fact he didn’t seem to notice me!

I hung out with him the following day after he messaged me. I went on over to his house, and we watched a movie. After it ended, he tried to kiss me. I turned my head and said no. He jokingly said “No?” and bit my shoulder.

Omg. That was hot. I nearly turned into him, but I resisted.

Honestly, I have no desire to date someone in the same circle as the people my older sister ran with years ago. But what really is drawing me to him is the fact he’s into BDSM. He makes his “own shit” (his words) and has a dungeon in his basement, which I personally cannot wait to see.

He thought I’d find it creepy. I told him no, it doesn’t creep me out, and that I’ve always had an interest in that stuff. I have. I know next to nothing about it, but I know being tied down to a bed is part of it, and I found that hot as hell. It only ever happened once, but the idea turns me on.

We were texting earlier and he said something about me not being able to call him something yet, and I said good thing I haven’t then. He said but if I had, he’d hafta take me to the basement.

Shiiit. Yesss.

Okay actually, the idea is thrilling and scary. Sober sex? Sober first time sex? No thanks. I want a buzz at least. Like four beers and I’ll be good. Not even joking. I’m a light weight.

I’m suppose to see Rich early next week. I will reluctantly admit I am excited. I don’t know when I’ll see Lee again, but I’m excited to see him again, too.

Oh, he actually took me to dinner and a movie Friday. I felt awkward as all get out…A real date? Yikes. I tried to pay for the movie since he got dinner. He wouldn’t let me, and I felt guilty. And as the night came to a close, I was slightly worried he’d try to kiss me. I was relieved when he didn’t.

I don’t know what to do about these two. I’m drawn and attracted to both. As long as I’m careful, is it so wrong to screw them both? Ugh I feel like such a slut even thinking it…But damn it, I want to.

My best friend said “yolo” when I said it to her. But she also said that by screwing them both, it might help me not become super attached to one…which is what I don’t want. And even without sex, if I see just one guy, I will get attached. My sister said go for it, although it isn’t something she’d recommend.

But seriously, I just want to have sex.

Too Many Feelings

I’ll be spending a few days at my ex’s, Clay’s, apartment this week. My friend from out of state is flying in, and she’s allergic to cats and here at my parents, we have three. Plus, he’d like some time with his baby girl. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I want to see him.

Ever since I had my baby girl, I’ve wanted to fix us so strongly. I know I don’t love him; I know we simply cannot work out while he’s drinking; I know that I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship with him. But for some strange reason, I really, really just want to be with him.

Even if he quit drinking, I wouldn’t be happy in a committed relationship with him at this point in my life. Maybe it makes me slutty, but I still want to have sex with other people. I want to experience a threesome. I want to explore sex so much more. And honestly, he doesn’t.

I had to bug him for weeks to go to a sex shop with me. I have to demand we try a different position.

He’s comfortable with himself sexually, he’s open to talking and watching porn and masturbating with me. But, for some reason when it comes to actually trying different things, he just doesn’t. Which is super frustrating, because at the beginning of us, he told me that by the time he’s done with me, I’ll be super experienced (because he’s been with a lot of women, I’ve seen his list, and knows like alll the positions).

Ok, great. Soo…when are you going to teach me these new positions??

As for a threesome…He says only if it’s with another girl. I said sure, but on the condition we later do it with another guy. Maybe porn has glamorized it, but I like the idea of two guys and me…He flat out refused, saying he couldn’t watch another guy fuck me.

So I asked, at a different time, if we could do an open relationship. Where we’d get one free pass a month to fuck someone else. He liked it for himself, but said no because it meant agreeing for me as well. Although he did say I was the only person he cared to sleep with.

I don’t want to go whoring around, but I do want to sleep with others. I want sex to be exciting, and more than just a release. I mean, I can get a release all on my own.

I want sex to be thrilling. Like the night with John Doe, when he said he’s going to strap me down and I laughed, not knowing he was serious. Feeling him pin my body down as I struggled beneath him, his arm stretching for the under the mattress strap. Being pinned down, followed by straps around my wrists was beyond hot.

And it only happened once.

Sex should be more than a release. No, every single time won’t be hot and exciting; it’ll be quick and fulfilling. But when nothing changes in over a year…well, yeah. I reached the point, I only had sex with Clay just because he wanted to. I literally had no desire for it anymore- at least sex with him.

So these feelings of wanting to be with him- they’ll pass. Probably within the first day at his apartment.

Losing Your Virginity Doesn’t Hurt

I’ve lost count of how many blogs/articles where women writers state that “losing your virginity really doesn’t hurt”, “you don’t bleed”, and that those two things are just made up to scare girls into staying virgins.

Okay, first off, losing my virginity hurt like a bitch. To the point, I cried. But hey, ya know, I guess my pain was completely imagined, and all in my head. That my vagina was sore for two fucking days because I imagined it was suppose to be.

Tell me that I wasn’t fully aroused enough, and that’s what caused it to hurt. Say it. I know these writers who say these statements believe that. But news-flash: I was aroused. I was wet. I wanted him like nothing else.

Sure, I was scared. And I changed my mind (but he didn’t stop). But there was plenty of foreplay involved, and I was aroused. I was horny as fuck.

And I did bleed. Not like a period, but there was blood. I spotted for the next 36 hours or so.

No, not all girls will experience the amount of pain I did when they have sex for the first time. Not all girls will bleed. But I really wish the women saying it doesn’t hurt and you won’t bleed would stop, and actually listen to the women who do experience that.

Just because you didn’t experience pain or bleeding when you gave your virginity away doesn’t mean that pain and bleeding are a myth.

I think it was fourth time I had sex it didn’t hurt at all. The pain wasn’t anything at all like the first time, but there was a little pain at the beginning of the next couple of sex sessions I had.

And there’s that. It’s been building for awhile. Ladies, agree, disagree?

Let’s Talk About Rape

The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about rape. What is rape exactly? I know what it is. But then you get to the confusing lines- and maybe it’s not confusing at all, and it’s just me complicating things.

I don’t consider what happened to me rape. Everyone I’ve told does.

I was stupid. I let myself get drunk with a guy I barely knew. I allowed myself to stay the night in his bed. I didn’t reject his kisses, his touches. Sure, I told him I didn’t want him going down on me, but when he said it’ll be okay, I relented.

Then here comes the self-blame…which could be me muddling things. He sits up, and without me even realizing it, has no pants on, and is putting his hard cock inside me.

I said no, stop. I grabbed his biceps, and tried to push him off.

But then he got upset, and I let him fuck me.

Is that rape?

Everyone says it is.

Maybe I say it’s not because I blame myself for even putting myself in that situation. I blame myself for not fighting him more and making him understand I truly did not want to fuck, how much it hurt.

I cried while he fucked me. He never even knew, never even saw the silent tears trickling from eyes into the pillows.

I know if I know of that happening to someone in my life, or even a stranger, I would be angry. I would call it rape.

There are different types of rape, but it’s all rape. Brutal rape from a stranger. Rape from a guy a girl thought she could trust. Rape from a guy who intentionally got you drunk because you wouldn’t fuck him sober.

Rape. It doesn’t matter what extreme it happens in, it isn’t something you forget. It affects you, lives with you.