A run in with a lover

I went out with some of my daughter’s dad’s family for dinner at a bar and pool hall place, and on my way out, ran into Lee. Quick update: He had ended up texting me, and then a few nights later I found a sexy outfit and sent him a photo. After about three weeks of no contact, I’d done a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion, I am not ready for a relationship. I want sex. I let my friends opinions get to me and make me unhappy.

Anyway. After we left, her aunt offered to keep my baby so I could go back out and I accepted. I didn’t say hi when I went back though, I walked right past him. He came up to me, and invited me to play pool with him and his friends. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t ever go over either. I went out to hang out my daughter’s dad’s family, and I wasn’t going to just ditch them the second I got there.

As the night got later, he disappeared, and I thought he left. I waited about 10 minutes before shooting a text and asking if he left. He said no, and he’s not leaving without me. That was hot. Except then he came over a little later, and goes “you ready?” when I was talking to someone. He wasn’t rude to him, but he definitely wasn’t very friendly. I thought maybe he was jealous…Who knows.

We go to his house, and he jumps in the shower. I climb in bed, and throw my clothes on the floor. He gets in bed, plays a movie. I get up to get a drink, and he sees then I’m naked. He approved. And then the fun happened. He didn’t tie me up, unfortunately, but I did carry bruises on my ass the next day.

And that’s that. I didn’t regret it. Until the other day. I texted maybe three times since (once because it was his birthday), and he responds but he hasn’t texted first. I’m back to no texting him. I am okay with sex. But I’m not okay with being ignored. Like…use me if you will, because I was using you too, but at least send me a damn text so I don’t feel so low.

Ugh. Games. I hate them. I also don’t know how to play them very well.

Needless to say, I got on Fetlife. I am not done exploring, and while I trust him, and wish I could explore with him, I’m not sitting on the sidelines. I went to a social gathering at a bar of other fetlife members. And goodness, it was great. I’ve never been so readily welcomed into a group before. I had been talking to someone from fetlife who walked in with me, but after I got vetted for the play space in my area, I couldn’t find him right away so I went in and a group welcomed me over to join them. It was fun. I hope to go again.

And I definitely want to go to the dungeon.

Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

3 Years

I haven’t been on here on in forever, and I decided to get on tonight. And boom, I have a notification telling me I joined 3 years ago. Has it really been that long?

So much has happened. My daughter and I went to Florida over Thanksgiving week. I ignored the fact Lee didn’t text and tell me happy Thanksgiving (for the record, I didn’t text him either).  I think we hung out the weekend before I left though. I don’t really remember.

My work had an 80’s theme Christmas party earlier this month, and I invited him. I really didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did. It was held at a hotel, and my co-worker and her fiancé got a room. Which is mostly where the fun happened.

A few things did stand out though. First, being when he saw he photo booth he straight up said we need to get our picture taken. Second, I told them I hadn’t seen some movie, and he is just so surprised, because he’s yet another “famous” movie I haven’t seen. He says we need to have a “catch you up on movies day” and I’m like yeah, that’s gonna be a lot of days, and he just says “I know.” Like he intends to keep hanging around.

I pointed out my unit manager to him. A little later he asks if he flirts with me. I said no, and he said he’s surprised. I laughed and said he’s gay. He goes oh, damn, and I straight up reply with “That’s what I said.” He just about dropped his cup, I shocked him. It was great.

One of my co-workers, in the dietary department, had asked me out. I ended up declining because we work together, but also because I’m 3 years older than him. Well, I hadn’t told Lee any of this. He sees the guy though, and says something about his shaggy hair. I’m like um…okay.

Needless to say, I got pretty drunk in the hotel room. Like drunk to the point, some of the drive home is blacked from my memory. Lee drove us to his house. On the drive, he says something about the guy with shaggy hair, and I blurt out, “Ya know, he asked me out.”

He looks at me. “Really? What’d you say?”

“I considered it, but I said no.”

He glances at the road, then stares at me. He says something about good, because I deserve better. He places his hand on my thigh, like that’s suppose to comfort me, or something.

I told him to not say that (that I deserve better).

He squeezes my thigh. “You do deserve better than him though.”

“Just stop it.”

He says my name. “You do deserve better! You’re better than that.”

“You don’t even know him, so just stop.”

He repeats himself.

I snap. “Stop saying that when you don’t even believe it yourself.”

He definitely looks shocked. “Why would you say that? of course I do!”

“No. No, ya don’t. Because you don’t even think I’m worth being exclusive with.”

He stares at the road. “That’s just me,” he finally says, “so take me out of the picture, and don’t you think you deserve better than him?”

I didn’t answer, and just stared out the window. I’m pretty sure a tear rolled down my cheek, but I was so angry! So angry at him. Angry for making fun of my co-worker, angry he said I’m better/deserve better than said co-worker without knowing him, and without thinking if I deserve better, he should fucking step up to the plate or walk the fuck away.

We get to his house, with rest the drive in silence, although I don’t remember rest of it. I think I may have passed out, but I don’t know. I remember going to the bathroom, and walking to his room. I promptly sat on the bed, and removed all of my clothing, leaving on  only my black, lace panties. He sat on the bed, and scooted up behind me. Being all sweet, wrapping his arms around me. I crawled away, and curled up under the covers like the little brat bitch I am sometimes. He played a movie, and I tried to stay awake. But I was so drunk. So tired.

He said my name. I ignored him. He begged me, “Please don’t be upset.”

I recall saying I wasn’t.

He asked me to look at him, so I turned my head, looked at him, and then rolled back over. I guess he had enough, because he grabbed me, and pulled me on his chest, wrapping his arms around me.

My last two thoughts were, “I hope my hair isn’t bothering him” and “I really miss Clayton holding me like this.”

I woke up a few hours later, and quickly seduced him awake. He had no problems with that.

Another couple hours, and I woke up him again because my babysitter needed me to come get my kid.

He drove me back to my apartment, and said he should take me shooting sometime. I agreed. I guess I didn’t scare him off.

We hung out for a couple hours last night, and it felt kind of perfect. Then I had to go get the kid, and told him I had to leave in like 15 minutes. He quit wrapping his gifts, and climbed in bed next to me to hold me. He scratched my back for a bit, and we kissed a little.

He thanked me for coming over, even if only for a couple hours, and that we should hang out again soon.

The last time I’d seen him, before the Christmas party, he had me over and we were looking at the paint colors and themes for his house. It was weird.

So that, and then with his actions last night- it confuses me. I do believe he likes me. But I don’t think he’s going to give me what I want. A real relationship. Exclusivity. Move forward.

All month I’ve decided 2017 either starts with ending it with him, or moving forward with him. I see it ending. But we’ll see. Time’s almost out for us, I do believe.

So this happened

The same summer I met Clayton, I met this other hot guy. I always referred to him as Motorcycle guy. But I met Clayton first, and at that time, if I had sex with someone, I pretty much became closed off to other guys.

Had Motorcycle guy pursued me, I think I would have ended up with him. But he didn’t, and I stayed with, and came to love, Clayton.

Very randomly, we’d chat. And every time, he would surprise me at the stuff he remembered I had said. Like, seriously? Sweet!

Well, on the 4th I messaged him on Facebook. Because I always wish him a happy 4th- not sure why. He responded, and asked for my number. I gave it. And we started texting, and he said we should hangout. I was excited, not gonna lie.

Being excited to see him? That sort of bothered me…. I haven’t been excited to see anyone since Clayton died. I looked forward to hanging out with Lee, but I wasn’t excited to see him.

Motorcycle guy came over to my place and we went swimming. My baby went to bed after, and we watched Netflix. I had work in the morning, and it just kept getting later and later. And he wasn’t leaving. I finally said I am so tired, and he just gets comfy on my pull out couch bed.

He had been drinking a lot, but we didn’t talk about him staying. I let him, though. By that point it was nearly midnight and I had to be up at 6.

Well he starts lightly touching my abdomen, my side, up to my boobs. I love the gentle touches on my body, and in the past, those touches would turn me on. Since Clayton died, they don’t effect me. I feel like if I was a guy, I wouldn’t even be able to get hard and even have sex. But I’m not a guy and can have sex even without being aroused.

His touch did something to me. The most anything has. Then we started kissing, and he went to touch me under my shorts. I said no, that I need sleep. He immediately stopped, and I went to sleep.

Well, that time I kissed Lee and he stroked my face/hair- that was pretty hot. Did a little something to me, but I felt really weird about kissing and couldn’t stop thinking about Clayton.

Motorcycle guy texted me later that day, and today, too. Lee texted me today, too. I was surprised to see him pop up on my screen. I responded. We went back and forth for a little bit.

I don’t know how interested Motorcycle guy is. But I have always liked him. And I think he must like me too. Especially since he still remembers so much of the shit I’ve told him.

Only took three years, but I’ve finally kissed him! Too bad I don’t really feel anything anymore.

Accepting submissions for a book tribute to mothers

Reading the prompts sent so many thoughts through my head… Whether or not I will submit anything is unknown at this point, but I definitely want to write on some of them.

Juni Desireé

I am in the thick of getting this book ready for publication.

So far there are about 30 people included. There are poems, letters, lists, stories, and pictures. There is humour, angst, joy, and lots of heart.

For the next week I am accepting the last submissions.

What you need to know:

  • This book is about honouring and celebrating mothers. It’s about taking a moment to say, ‘Hey, you’re doing okay. You’re allowed to struggle with fears and insecurities. You’re allowed to know you’re doing a good job.’ The aim is to encourage mothers, both our own mothers and you as a mother.
  • It’s about giving everyday mothers and daughters a voice, so only mothers and daughters can submit. I’m interested in words that are real, raw, honest, vulnerable. Say what you need to say.
  • Submit by answering the prompts in the comments or by emailing me: wordslikesilk@gmail.com. If you email…

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Unstoppable

She was fierce, and she was strong, she wasn’t simple. She was crazy and sometimes she barely slept. She always had something to say. She had flaws and that was ok. And when she was down, she got right back up. She was a beast in her own way, but one idea described her best. She was unstoppable and took anything she wanted with a smile. -r.m. drake

I saw that on Instagram and instantly loved it and wanted to share.

Liebster Award: Thank You!!

liebster award

So, I have been meaning to do this for awhile now, and even had a saved draft, but unfortunately, it’s been lost. So, I decided to just merge these two together. I would like to say thank you to both Annette and Kristy for nominating me, and I apologize for taking so long to do this. I meant to do it sooner, and then time escaped me, and the draft I started got lost, and I gave up until today.

Before I answer their questions, here are the rules (and they kind of change, I’ve noticed, but we’ll go with these):

  • Thank your nominator (put link to their blog in your post).
  • Share the award on your blog.
  • Share 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Answer 10 (or 11) questions asked to you.
  • Ask 10 questions to 10 new nominees
  • Notify them via social media.

So, I will answer questions from Kristy’s nomination first:

1. What is the most difficult situation you’ve ever encountered? Losing my daughter’s father.
2. Do you have any pets? Nope. Maybe one day I’ll get my daughter a dog, but right now I live with my parents and younger sisters and they have plenty of dogs and cats.
3. Favorite hobbies? I love writing, reading, watching Netflix, drawing, exercising (believe it or not…ha ha), swimming, and taking long walks. Oh, and driving- if it’s my Camaro. Otherwise, it’s just driving.
4. Do you want a(nother) child? Yes…one day.
5. Regrets? Not going to school sooner.
6. Where is your favorite place to relax? My room.
7. Dream vacation? Hawaii!
8. What is your favorite feature in other people? In general, probably a smile.
9. Favorite color? Purple. Leaning towards green right now…It changes every couple of years it seems.
10. How has your writing grown since the start of your blog? I don’t cuss like I did! And I don’t know how else it has grown…
11. Is your blog where you want it to be? It’s being read, so I’d say so! (thank you readers!!)
And now I’ll answer Annette’s questions:
  • What inspired you to start a blog? I wanted to write some stuff out. Which I did, and it helped.
  • If you could interview a celebrity to blog about, who would it be & why? Oh hm. I don’t know really…
  • What social media accounts do you use to drive blog traffic & what are their links? Honestly, I don’t use anything. I mean, I have a Twitter but I don’t actually use it. It’s basically just all tweets of my blog posts, I don’t even check it.
  • How often, if at all, do you change or modify the look & layout of your blog? I think I’ve changed it 3-5 times in the 2 years and, like, 4 months I’ve had up.
  • Have you written posts to schedule them in advance? No. I mean, for awhile it was messed up, and every post was scheduled. The time zone was off or something, but that quit happening so I guess I fixed it. But never intentionally scheduled a post.
  • What goals do you have for your blog in 2016? To keep up with the 5 Year Journal! and to share/feature someone else’s blog or post weekly.
  • Would you or have you already done a guest post for another person? I haven’t, and I guess I probably would if they asked and gave me a topic to write about.
  • What do you find encouraging when viewing other blogs? Finding out I’m not alone in life. Seeing people be open and honest, and growing.
  • Will you follow and support your fellow nominees? Yup.
  • If you could make blogging easier, what would you do? I think it is pretty easy…

Okay, so there we have it.

Oh, right. The 11 random facts.

  1. Sometimes I do not get “real” food when I go out to eat. I either get dessert for dinner, or the appetizer as dinner. People make comments to me, but I don’t care.
  2. I have a big collection of lipstick.
  3. And I rarely wear lipstick.
  4. I have a near addiction to buying washi tape, stickers, stationery, pens- anything like that.
  5. When I’m taking a multiple choice test, if I see (a) is right, I don’t read the other options, otherwise I second-guess myself and get it wrong.
  6. I was 1 years old (two weeks after my first birthday to be precise) before my first tooth came in.
  7. I like going out alone. Whether it be movies or a bar or dinner. I like going alone. Sometimes I like company, but I don’t need someone with me.
  8. I have hazel eyes, and with my green work shirt, they look almost entirely green.
  9. I had my first child at 23. My friends said we couldn’t have kids until we were 25. I don’t follow the rules. Haha.
  10. I always try to be super understanding, but usually let myself end up being used in the process. Something I am actively trying to fix.
  11. Skulls, Tweety-Bird, and the Superman symbol- I love them. Anything of the three make me super happy.

So now for the new questions and the nominees. I hope everyone participates, but if you don’t want to, don’t feel obligated.

  1. Why did you start blogging?
  2. Your favorite way to relax?
  3. Are you a motivated person or a procrastinator?
  4. Something that scared you but you overcame it and did it anyway?
  5. Any quote you try to live by?
  6. Organized or messy?
  7. Have you ever fasted? if yes, how was the experience?
  8. Do you follow politics?
  9. Something you’re passionate about?
  10. How would you describe “love”?