It hit me

So I had texted Lee on Tuesday after staying the night Saturday. He had responded. But come Saturday, still nothing! I chalked it up to he really isn’t interested in me, and I will simply delete our texts, and be done.

Well, I was pretty resolved on that. Until that evening. I texted him, and we texted back and forth for awhile. About nothing really. Because we never really talk about anything.

He then texted me yesterday evening. Nice, he texted first!

But…I really do doubt he has that much interest in me. I think I’m more just some girl he’s getting sex from while he looks for someone else. Which, I’m okay with not being his “one”. That doesn’t bother me, because he’s not mine either. But to use me? I don’t like that. At least tell me what it is.

Tonight I decided to Facebook stalk (yes, I have gotten back on Facebook…unfortunately) this girl I know he hangs out with, and I assume fucking. They spent the day together. At his mom’s. He had his daughter, she had hers.

Why does this bother me? Because he isn’t opposed to other women’s kids. Apparently just mine. He also took this same girl out on a boat ride, with her daughter- and his- on father’s day. But offered to take me, if I found a babysitter.

Okay, okay. Maybe they’re just friends.

But I have never been sold on him.

The point of this post was really me coming here to say it hit me that the only reason I texted him Saturday was because I’m trying to keep his attention. I don’t need him, hell, I don’t really even want him. I just want him to want me.

I want to be wanted. And because I feel like his interest is dying down, I texted him hoping to get him back.

If my lack of free time is why he’s uninterested, I can’t change that. Although he is welcome to hang out with the baby and I. But if he’s uninterested due to me, well I can’t help that. Not everyone will love me, and I’m okay with that.

I really am okay, knowing that not everyone will love me. But it doesn’t mean it feels good when they start seeming uninterested!

Now that I realized what I’m doing (although thank goodness I’m not as bad as I use to be and text the guy every day), I’m going to work on fixing it.

Although honestly, I still have this desire to ask him to his face what we are doing, where we stand. Just because. I like forcing people to talk that awkward stuff, once I get past the awkwardness of bringing it up.

Have I said dating sucks?

There was no buzz

I wanted to get buzzed this past weekend because I was off work, and had been majorly depressed. Needless to say my coworker bailed (she got sick) and while I was fine with going out alone, Lee invited me over.

But let’s do Friday first.

I was staying in and just relaxing. Lee asked if I wanted company, and I said sure. We watched an episode of Dexter, and then had sex. I’m still not big into kissing him…

It was getting hot, and I asked if he wanted the fan on. He said he’d get hot either way. I’m like uh okay. I mean, I was on bottom. But then, it just got soo hot! And at that point, I was riding him, so I climbed off, turned the fan on, got a drink of water, and resumed.

He said I’m so sexy on top- which, I think, is the first compliment he’s given me.

He took the condom off towards the end. And his reasoning is he hates getting off with one on. Excuse me? That pissed me off. He knows I’m not on birth control, so why take it off to cum? Sure, he pulled out but still.

After, he laid down next to me and talked for about 30 minutes. He said he had to go like three different times, and that he didn’t want to go. I said nothing. I didn’t want him staying. Nor did I figure he would, anyway. I knew he had to work in the morning, and I doubted he had his work clothes.

But his whole talking for 30 minutes after sex just made me feel like it he was doing it because he assumes that is what girls want after sex- a conversation. And I have since been left with a very strong nagging feeling he’s a player.

Well, come Saturday evening, he texts and asks if I still have a babysitter. I said yeah, but not til 9. He said he’s dog sitting for his mom, and she has a pool if I’d wanna come over. A part of me wanted to say no and just go to the bar alone. But I said yes because I was hoping for the opportunity to ask something like “so we hooking up or is this actually going somewhere?” but it didn’t.

I had sex on his parent’s couch. I haven’t met them. And if I do? I feel awkward just thinking about it. Which is probably dumb, but still.

My baby’s sitter told me she’d keep her all night. So, after Lee and I had sex, he passed out, and I decided I’d fall asleep next to him. And that’s what I did. And felt extremely weird and awkward all night.

In the morning, I took 20 minutes trying to decide if I should wake him up and tell him I was leaving or not. I finally nudged him and when his eyes opened briefly I said I had to go. He just kinda looked at me, and I awkwardly patted his arm and left. I don’t even know if he was awake.

I texted him yesterday, just a copy of a text I sent to my sister and a couple friends about what a resident said. He texted back, and we joked about it for a few minutes, and that was that.

I don’t know if he doesn’t ask to hang out because he knows my free time is limited, and he just waits for me to mention it. Or if he’s really not that into me. And I’m just someone to screw while he looks for something better.

I am starting to like him. And I don’t want to be played and left hurting. So, I think it may be time to try and see where he stands. Is he still dating others? Yes, okay, then maybe I should cease contact. Does he want something more than sex with me? No, then let’s end this.

I bought two tickets to see Gary Allan because they were ten bucks a piece. I am going to invite him. And kind of go from there.

A lot has happened

 

I haven’t written lately. I haven’t wanted to, although there’s a few blogs I still come back to read.

I moved into my own apartment a month ago. It’s a two bedroom, and for now the baby and I are sharing a room. Once I get a bigger bed, I’m moving into the other room, though. I have had a twin size bed for forever, and I can’t wait to get a queen size.

Anyway! I’ll give an update on my dating life.

Rich and I quit hanging out because I wasn’t quite ready to have sex. Despite his profile stating he’s cool with just being friends, no sex. Okay, sure. I was okay with it being over. He reminded me too much of Clayton, and it broke my heart. He reminded me slightly of John Doe as well, and let’s just say I don’t want him in my life, and I don’t want constant reminders.

Lee and I have continued to hang out. Not a lot, I am a single mom after all. And I don’t really have anyone to watch my daughter anymore since my sister had her new baby. He tried to kiss me on the first date but I said no. He left it at that, and to my happiness, he didn’t try anything the second time.

The third date, I believe it was, I let him kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, anyway. It was weird. I don’t know if it’s his kissing style, or what.

Last month, I had sex with him. Sober, first time sex. My sexual partners number is single digits, but each one, I was drunk for the first time. So, first time sober sex is a big deal. It was also the first time I’ve had sex with anyone else since Clayton and I got together in 2013. And of course, since he died.

It hurt when he entered me, and my first thought was “good, my baby didn’t stretch me out permanently.” I guess that’s probably a weird thought to have during sex, but… it was my thought process.

I’ll admit I did hope he didn’t have a condom so I could say no, because I was changing my mind about doing it. Not because I didn’t want sex, because I did. But because I was nervous. I was nervous to be with someone sober. I was scared I would get attached. And I felt like I was betraying Clayton.

Lee started texting me first more after we had sex. But we’ve only seen each other once since then, and we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period. Well, we could have. But I don’t like to, and he stopped when I told him.

I’m not attached. Actually, I felt nothing. Not regret, not anything. Do I like Lee? Yeah, I enjoy hanging out with him. I can be a smartass, and he just dishes it back. He doesn’t call me an angel, and I really like that. I don’t feel like I need to be extra good because he expects it.

I went on a date with another guy, who I’ll call Alex. I didn’t even feel guilty for going on a date after having sex with Lee. I didn’t feel tied to him, and that’s weird for me.

Before I knew it, Alex was saying I should come spend the time, and he’d make up a bed for the baby. I tell him no, I don’t think so.

Again, I am a single mom. I don’t have a lot of free time. Well, last week he texts me and basically says our schedules won’t work and he isn’t going to use his free time being friends with someone. I was with my sister from out of state, and decided I’d reply later, if at all.

An hour later, he’s texting me again saying he doesn’t like I didn’t respond. Wtf? You’re rejecting me, and then upset I don’t respond? I sent him a text, being nice, and just said thanks for telling me.

Somehow we end up texting, and next thing I know, he says he’ll come see me Friday night. Um…okay. Well, he gets here, and we talk and joke. I was being a smartass in my joking, and he’d always look so offended. Just too sensitive. Jeez.

He left when I said I needed to get to bed. I wake up to a text from him in the morning that says thanks the opportunity to get to know me and have a goodnight and life. I read that, shook my head, and got out of bed. Have a good life? Seriously. Wow.

Honestly, I was glad he changed his mind- again. Because I had decided after he left, I was done. He talked and talked and talked and then when I went to say something on the subject, he said let’s not talk about it. Oh, and he didn’t even make sense.

So. Back down to just Lee. He wants to take me on a ride on his boat. I’m down with that!

We’ve been seeing each other since late March. And have had sex. I don’t know what we are, what he wants, none of that. He is still on POF. I deleted my account after Rich. I decided I didn’t have the time to try and date and if the guys I was talking to worked out, fine, but I was done looking.

A part of me wants to ask Lee. But I don’t want to be exclusive, and if he does, well I figure he’ll bring it up. I do want to have sex. And with him, I feel like that’s the only thing we need to make this about. I fucked his friends right before I met Clayton. No idea how close they are, but the point is I did. And I also feel like he’s a mistake. Is he a mistake or do I feel that way because I’m not actually ready for a relationship? I don’t know. But if I just want sex, do I tell him or no? I don’t know what to do.

I do know I want to go out this weekend and get a nice buzz. And have sex.

Death

On my way to work this afternoon, I kept thinking about Clayton. Laying cold as ice in his casket. Looking so fake yet so real. I remember standing at the side, staring at him. I would blink back tears trying to soak him in. I kept thinking what his final moments were like, what his last thoughts were.

I get to work and force it out of my thoughts, focus on learning the residents.

I have two and a half hours left when I’m told a resident has died. Instantly, I’m back to my own nightmare. I don’t want to see her but I do. I follow a co-worker into the room, around the curtain- and there she is. My heart stutters. I stare at her, furiously blinking away forming tears. I’m telling myself to get a grip.

I see Clayton. I reach out to touch her- she is cool to the touch but nothing like he was.

I almost ask to go home, I became such a emotional wreck. Now, with that said you would think I was crying my eyes out. Somehow I managed to remain in control, outwardly. Inside I was dying.

I cried on the drive home. Why did he die at 32 years old? He wasn’t an alcoholic for years and years- best I figure, since 2012. How did his liver get so bad it failed in such a short timespan?

I wish I knew if he was awake when he died. I wish I knew where he died. I want to request the autopsy report, but I doubt they’d release it to me. I requested a copy of the police report (figured it would say where they found his body) but I never heard back.

All it takes to be informed of such thing is a piece of paper stating you’re married. That paper didn’t exist for us, so I can’t find my answers. I should just ask his mom to request both but I feel bad…

Today was just a hard day. One of those days were I’m transported back to November 13th learning of his death, and again to November 16th when I first viewed his body.

Maybe it’s time for help

This isn’t something I have wanted to admit to anyone, let alone to my family. A little while ago I Googled Post Partum Depression and found this article. And I started crying as I read it. Do I have PPD? I suspect, maybe so. I’ve felt this way since she was maybe 6 weeks old.

After Clayton died- well, I was, am, obviously grieving. I don’t know, maybe it’s just grief. Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s both meshed together.

I just keep trying to go forward. Because eventually everything will turn around, right? Eventually I’ll finally be okay, right?

Everything I do- or am trying to do- is to support my baby girl, and give her a good, stable life. I do love her. But, I don’t, and never have, felt that bond with her everyone talks about. I keep waiting for it. And waiting for it.

You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with postpartum depression feels this way, but many do.

Am I just being selfish? I feel like I’m being selfish. That I need to toughen up.

You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.

You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.

Those in the quotes are from the article, and they’re so spot on to how I have felt the last 7 months. The first month, it was hard, and I figured I was adjusting to mommy life. I figured I’d be fine.

About  4-6 weeks in, and I wasn’t getting better. There was still no bond. I couldn’t admit I thought I might have PPD. That’s admitting weakness! I’m strong, I’ve always been strong. I never need help.

Then Clayton died. And left me all alone in parenting. Some days I get so angry at him (although I haven’t lately) for leaving me.

It’ll be five months (where has the time gone?! how have I made it this far?) on the 13th since he died. And outside of accepting he’s gone, I don’t feel any better.

You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.

That about sums it up. I keep thinking if I do this (go to school) or that (get my own place) things will turn around and I’ll finally be okay. But I don’t know if that’s really going to change anything.

I will be calling my doctor Monday and asking for any recommendations on what to do about this, or for a support group. Something. It’s time I set aside my pride and fear of judgment from my family and seek help.

Accepting submissions for a book tribute to mothers

Reading the prompts sent so many thoughts through my head… Whether or not I will submit anything is unknown at this point, but I definitely want to write on some of them.

Juni Desireé

I am in the thick of getting this book ready for publication.

So far there are about 30 people included. There are poems, letters, lists, stories, and pictures. There is humour, angst, joy, and lots of heart.

For the next week I am accepting the last submissions.

What you need to know:

  • This book is about honouring and celebrating mothers. It’s about taking a moment to say, ‘Hey, you’re doing okay. You’re allowed to struggle with fears and insecurities. You’re allowed to know you’re doing a good job.’ The aim is to encourage mothers, both our own mothers and you as a mother.
  • It’s about giving everyday mothers and daughters a voice, so only mothers and daughters can submit. I’m interested in words that are real, raw, honest, vulnerable. Say what you need to say.
  • Submit by answering the prompts in the comments or by emailing me: wordslikesilk@gmail.com. If you email…

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Kissing

I hung out with Rich for almost two hours this afternoon. My mom watched the baby for me, and I went over. We sat on the couch and listened to Pandora and talked. It was pretty nice, actually.

And then he pulled me into his lap. And I knew where he wanted to take things. He kissed my forehead, then brought his face close to mine, and like a dork, I laughed. He shook his head at me.

He lays me down on the couch, bringing himself over me. He slowly lowers his head, and then stops, lips almost on mine. I wait. He kisses me tentatively. And I realize kissing isn’t too scary. Although that first kiss always makes me nervous.

We’re kissing, and he grabs my boob, runs his hand down and grabs my butt. Out of nowhere, I laugh- again. When I’m nervous, I laugh. Which is silly, and I felt really dumb, but I couldn’t help myself.

He carries me to the bedroom, and I say no, I can’t- I’m weird, remember? He laughs and says I am awkward and weird, but not in a bad way. Which for some reason made me laugh more. You can’t tell me I make things weird and expect me to be totally normal!

Needless to say, we didn’t have sex. I wanted to, and after I left, I wish I had. Heck, I even wore a regular bra! And it matched my underwear. I had to be home at a certain time because my mom needed to do something, and we really didn’t have time. Well, he would have, but not me. And I’m sorry, but I’d like to get off, too.

Another thing that stopped me was I had climbed on top of him, and kissed him. And suddenly, I was pulled back to Clayton. He loved me laying on his chest. He would stroke my hair, my back, squeeze my butt. And his eyes- he’d stare at me like I was the most gorgeous woman ever (he did tell me that sometimes).

In Rich’s eyes I saw desire, but it wasn’t the same loving look I had grown accustomed too, nor would it be, I know that.

Maybe I’m not ready for sex just yet. I don’t know. I just know I wasn’t ready today.

He had said I make things weird the other day, and I simply said sorry, and lost interest in texting for that day. So I told my sister I wasn’t sure how things were going with him anymore, so when I told her about this afternoon, she said she’s confused. I’m confused! I don’t know if I want friends with benefits, but I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want anything serious.

How am I suppose to know what I want when I want is Clayton to not be dead? I’m trying to deal with this the best I know how, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel guilty at the thought of dating, so it’s okay to date again, right?

I know he’s never coming back, and I feel like I’ve accepted it.

I suck at dating. I suck at starting over. If not for my daughter…I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Probably get in my car and drive away.

I have to keep going forward, and dating is a step forward. Outside of that, no idea.