A run in with a lover

I went out with some of my daughter’s dad’s family for dinner at a bar and pool hall place, and on my way out, ran into Lee. Quick update: He had ended up texting me, and then a few nights later I found a sexy outfit and sent him a photo. After about three weeks of no contact, I’d done a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion, I am not ready for a relationship. I want sex. I let my friends opinions get to me and make me unhappy.

Anyway. After we left, her aunt offered to keep my baby so I could go back out and I accepted. I didn’t say hi when I went back though, I walked right past him. He came up to me, and invited me to play pool with him and his friends. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t ever go over either. I went out to hang out my daughter’s dad’s family, and I wasn’t going to just ditch them the second I got there.

As the night got later, he disappeared, and I thought he left. I waited about 10 minutes before shooting a text and asking if he left. He said no, and he’s not leaving without me. That was hot. Except then he came over a little later, and goes “you ready?” when I was talking to someone. He wasn’t rude to him, but he definitely wasn’t very friendly. I thought maybe he was jealous…Who knows.

We go to his house, and he jumps in the shower. I climb in bed, and throw my clothes on the floor. He gets in bed, plays a movie. I get up to get a drink, and he sees then I’m naked. He approved. And then the fun happened. He didn’t tie me up, unfortunately, but I did carry bruises on my ass the next day.

And that’s that. I didn’t regret it. Until the other day. I texted maybe three times since (once because it was his birthday), and he responds but he hasn’t texted first. I’m back to no texting him. I am okay with sex. But I’m not okay with being ignored. Like…use me if you will, because I was using you too, but at least send me a damn text so I don’t feel so low.

Ugh. Games. I hate them. I also don’t know how to play them very well.

Needless to say, I got on Fetlife. I am not done exploring, and while I trust him, and wish I could explore with him, I’m not sitting on the sidelines. I went to a social gathering at a bar of other fetlife members. And goodness, it was great. I’ve never been so readily welcomed into a group before. I had been talking to someone from fetlife who walked in with me, but after I got vetted for the play space in my area, I couldn’t find him right away so I went in and a group welcomed me over to join them. It was fun. I hope to go again.

And I definitely want to go to the dungeon.

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Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

A real good spanking

Lee and I ended up texting, which then turned to sexting. And the following morning he sends me a text wanna come hang tonight and get tied up?

Well, that sounds enticing! I told him I’d try to get a babysitter. Because I make poor decisions sometimes. And damn it, I wanted sex!

My older sister agreed to keep the baby for me, and I let him know.

The first hour we’re outside while he’s moving his cars around, then we head in, and he takes a shower. I lay on the couch and watch TV. He joins me shortly later and we cuddle. He starts kissing me, stroking my side.

I’ve been strapped down once years ago and it was hot. Even being pinned down is hot. I love it. So when he said let’s head to the bedroom, I got up real quick.

In his room, the lights are off but the two reading lamps on his bed were on casting a dim glow. We kiss, he grabs my ass. I run my hands over his sexy shoulders. Then in a quiet voice, he demands I give him head.

I considered saying no, but I haven’t given head in forever, and I enjoy it. So I dropped to my knees and did his bidding. I couldn’t quite fit all his length in my mouth, although he demanded it, and I tried.

He makes me stand up, and lays me on my belly on the bed, and slaps my ass. He grabs his spanking whip and tells me since it’s my first time, he’ll go easy on me. He slaps, caresses, slaps. Each time getting harder. But never hard enough.

Then he fucks me.

After we’re done, we lay in bed for a bit talking about our jobs. Not very romantic, but I swear he talks after so the chance to have “the talk” doesn’t come up. And he never did tie me up…which left me slightly disappointed.

He finally gets up to let his dog inside. I dress and go downstairs. He watches a movie, and I look at the time. Getting late, almost 11:30 and I still have a 30 minute drive to my sister’s and another 15 to my place.

I go to the bathroom, come back, and while putting my shoes on, say it’s time for me to go. By the way he looks at me, I think he expected me to stay the night. He says “what” and I’m like I have to go get the baby.

He gets up and walks me to the door, and hugs me. And plants a kiss on my forehead.

What?

Complications

I met another guy- we’ll call him Lee. It started out nice enough; he sent me a message about living in the same town. I joked about loving it, but actually everyone who lives here, hates it.

He asked if it I went to the high school. I replied I was homeschooled. And suddenly he knew who I was. His older brother had screwed my older sister way back when- and my younger sister a few years ago.

Lee thought I was the other sister. I quickly set him straight. I am good on not having sexual relations with someone my sister had been with. He said well since I haven’t been with his brother, we should hang out. I agreed.

Mind you, I had met him at the time my younger sister slept with his older brother. We had gone to a pool party, and Lee was there. He had his daughter with him, and I remember thinking he was sexy AF, but he didn’t mind me any. So the fact he even mentioned meeting me at the pool party blew my mind. He even said he was disappointed I didn’t remember him. I remembered his sexy self alright- and the fact he didn’t seem to notice me!

I hung out with him the following day after he messaged me. I went on over to his house, and we watched a movie. After it ended, he tried to kiss me. I turned my head and said no. He jokingly said “No?” and bit my shoulder.

Omg. That was hot. I nearly turned into him, but I resisted.

Honestly, I have no desire to date someone in the same circle as the people my older sister ran with years ago. But what really is drawing me to him is the fact he’s into BDSM. He makes his “own shit” (his words) and has a dungeon in his basement, which I personally cannot wait to see.

He thought I’d find it creepy. I told him no, it doesn’t creep me out, and that I’ve always had an interest in that stuff. I have. I know next to nothing about it, but I know being tied down to a bed is part of it, and I found that hot as hell. It only ever happened once, but the idea turns me on.

We were texting earlier and he said something about me not being able to call him something yet, and I said good thing I haven’t then. He said but if I had, he’d hafta take me to the basement.

Shiiit. Yesss.

Okay actually, the idea is thrilling and scary. Sober sex? Sober first time sex? No thanks. I want a buzz at least. Like four beers and I’ll be good. Not even joking. I’m a light weight.

I’m suppose to see Rich early next week. I will reluctantly admit I am excited. I don’t know when I’ll see Lee again, but I’m excited to see him again, too.

Oh, he actually took me to dinner and a movie Friday. I felt awkward as all get out…A real date? Yikes. I tried to pay for the movie since he got dinner. He wouldn’t let me, and I felt guilty. And as the night came to a close, I was slightly worried he’d try to kiss me. I was relieved when he didn’t.

I don’t know what to do about these two. I’m drawn and attracted to both. As long as I’m careful, is it so wrong to screw them both? Ugh I feel like such a slut even thinking it…But damn it, I want to.

My best friend said “yolo” when I said it to her. But she also said that by screwing them both, it might help me not become super attached to one…which is what I don’t want. And even without sex, if I see just one guy, I will get attached. My sister said go for it, although it isn’t something she’d recommend.

But seriously, I just want to have sex.