He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

So this happened

The same summer I met Clayton, I met this other hot guy. I always referred to him as Motorcycle guy. But I met Clayton first, and at that time, if I had sex with someone, I pretty much became closed off to other guys.

Had Motorcycle guy pursued me, I think I would have ended up with him. But he didn’t, and I stayed with, and came to love, Clayton.

Very randomly, we’d chat. And every time, he would surprise me at the stuff he remembered I had said. Like, seriously? Sweet!

Well, on the 4th I messaged him on Facebook. Because I always wish him a happy 4th- not sure why. He responded, and asked for my number. I gave it. And we started texting, and he said we should hangout. I was excited, not gonna lie.

Being excited to see him? That sort of bothered me…. I haven’t been excited to see anyone since Clayton died. I looked forward to hanging out with Lee, but I wasn’t excited to see him.

Motorcycle guy came over to my place and we went swimming. My baby went to bed after, and we watched Netflix. I had work in the morning, and it just kept getting later and later. And he wasn’t leaving. I finally said I am so tired, and he just gets comfy on my pull out couch bed.

He had been drinking a lot, but we didn’t talk about him staying. I let him, though. By that point it was nearly midnight and I had to be up at 6.

Well he starts lightly touching my abdomen, my side, up to my boobs. I love the gentle touches on my body, and in the past, those touches would turn me on. Since Clayton died, they don’t effect me. I feel like if I was a guy, I wouldn’t even be able to get hard and even have sex. But I’m not a guy and can have sex even without being aroused.

His touch did something to me. The most anything has. Then we started kissing, and he went to touch me under my shorts. I said no, that I need sleep. He immediately stopped, and I went to sleep.

Well, that time I kissed Lee and he stroked my face/hair- that was pretty hot. Did a little something to me, but I felt really weird about kissing and couldn’t stop thinking about Clayton.

Motorcycle guy texted me later that day, and today, too. Lee texted me today, too. I was surprised to see him pop up on my screen. I responded. We went back and forth for a little bit.

I don’t know how interested Motorcycle guy is. But I have always liked him. And I think he must like me too. Especially since he still remembers so much of the shit I’ve told him.

Only took three years, but I’ve finally kissed him! Too bad I don’t really feel anything anymore.

Kissing

I hung out with Rich for almost two hours this afternoon. My mom watched the baby for me, and I went over. We sat on the couch and listened to Pandora and talked. It was pretty nice, actually.

And then he pulled me into his lap. And I knew where he wanted to take things. He kissed my forehead, then brought his face close to mine, and like a dork, I laughed. He shook his head at me.

He lays me down on the couch, bringing himself over me. He slowly lowers his head, and then stops, lips almost on mine. I wait. He kisses me tentatively. And I realize kissing isn’t too scary. Although that first kiss always makes me nervous.

We’re kissing, and he grabs my boob, runs his hand down and grabs my butt. Out of nowhere, I laugh- again. When I’m nervous, I laugh. Which is silly, and I felt really dumb, but I couldn’t help myself.

He carries me to the bedroom, and I say no, I can’t- I’m weird, remember? He laughs and says I am awkward and weird, but not in a bad way. Which for some reason made me laugh more. You can’t tell me I make things weird and expect me to be totally normal!

Needless to say, we didn’t have sex. I wanted to, and after I left, I wish I had. Heck, I even wore a regular bra! And it matched my underwear. I had to be home at a certain time because my mom needed to do something, and we really didn’t have time. Well, he would have, but not me. And I’m sorry, but I’d like to get off, too.

Another thing that stopped me was I had climbed on top of him, and kissed him. And suddenly, I was pulled back to Clayton. He loved me laying on his chest. He would stroke my hair, my back, squeeze my butt. And his eyes- he’d stare at me like I was the most gorgeous woman ever (he did tell me that sometimes).

In Rich’s eyes I saw desire, but it wasn’t the same loving look I had grown accustomed too, nor would it be, I know that.

Maybe I’m not ready for sex just yet. I don’t know. I just know I wasn’t ready today.

He had said I make things weird the other day, and I simply said sorry, and lost interest in texting for that day. So I told my sister I wasn’t sure how things were going with him anymore, so when I told her about this afternoon, she said she’s confused. I’m confused! I don’t know if I want friends with benefits, but I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want anything serious.

How am I suppose to know what I want when I want is Clayton to not be dead? I’m trying to deal with this the best I know how, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel guilty at the thought of dating, so it’s okay to date again, right?

I know he’s never coming back, and I feel like I’ve accepted it.

I suck at dating. I suck at starting over. If not for my daughter…I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Probably get in my car and drive away.

I have to keep going forward, and dating is a step forward. Outside of that, no idea.

Back to dating

So, I mentioned that I’m no longer in school. Back when I was, and working, I figured I could handle dating. The thought of dating no longer sent waves of guilt through me. I definitely do not want to date again- I miss Clayton so much, and I would rather he be here. I know we’d just fight and bicker and make up. But I would rather that than this void in my life.

But he’s not coming back. I can’t wait for a dead person (I know that sounds harsh but it’s how I handle it- he’s dead, not gone because that sounds too much like he’ll be back and he won’t be).

I felt ready to date again. So I created an online profile on Plenty of Fish. To date, I still haven’t had anything super creepy or disgusting. Very refreshing. I was also trying to respond to every message. Heck, I even sent out a few firsts! Some guys responded, some didn’t. I brushed it off. Eventually that got too difficult, so I’ve quit trying. Also, I wasn’t responding to any “Clayton’s” (that’s the name I’ve given him here).

And guess what? I got one of the best messages from one. He was also attractive and he used his full name, vs the common nickname, so I decided why not.

After just a couple days, we met up in the afternoon for a walk in the park. My mom kept my daughter for me, and off I went.

It was awkward, but I had a good time. He wore sunglasses the entire time, which was slightly off-putting, but I slipped mine back on, and tried to ignore it.

As we went to split ways a couple hours later, he wanted to kiss me. I said no, and that was that.

We resumed texting, and my date for Friday night canceled. I had canceled on him the Friday before, so I almost wonder if it was intentional, but we’re trying again for Saturday so maybe it wasn’t.

Anyway, with my Friday night cleared up, I met up with- let’s call him Rich. It was only for an hour and a half, but I had way too much fun. A really good time. The few beers I had may have helped that, though.

I told my sister I’d be back before midnight, so we left at about eleven thirty. We hugged, and he went in for a kiss, and I looked away. He assumed I didn’t have a good time, and I was forced to explain that I’m not really into kissing.

I love kissing during foreplay, but honestly, if sex isn’t followed, I don’t have much interest in kissing. Unless, like with Clayton, I’ve been with the guy for awhile, then I don’t mind it. But just a kiss goodbye? No thanks, not into that with a new guy.

We have hung out a few more times, and our texting has been pretty dirty. We’re going to have sex, I know it. It’s just a matter of time. I want to have sex so bad, it’s been forever. But the idea of being sober for first time sex, no…No. I have never had first time sex sober. My list of guys can be counted on one hand, but I was intoxicated every time.

Plus all the build-up. Ugh. I want alcohol in me before it happens. Not drunk, just a nice buzz. But I promised myself no more drunk first time sex. Urgh!

My daughter is eight months old, and I did bring her with me the last two times I saw him. If I hadn’t, pretty sure we would have been on all over each other. Now, I know some will judge me and say it’s way too early to bring her around him.

I disagree. One, she is less than a year old, and two, with her dad’s side of the family, she is always meeting new people. I won’t parade her around guys, or them around her, but for now, I think it’s okay. Judge me if you want- I’ve made peace with my decision.

Anyway. Another thing that bothers me is I’m still breastfeeding. The idea of him messing with my boobs- just no. But he doesn’t know, I never mentioned it (and why would I?). Pretty sure I won’t leak during sex. Getting myself off, I don’t leak. When she was younger, sometimes having an orgasm, my breast would leak a little, but they don’t anymore. Or they don’t. Watch them do it with him.

And that brings me to this- none of my bras fit but my nursing bras, and they’re unattractive. I want to wear something sexy. I want to feel sexy. I guess I could, and just hope there is no leaking that gets my bra all wet.

With Clayton none of this mattered. He found me desirable, leaky breast and all. I just wouldn’t let him touch because, sure they’re bigger than normal, they just aren’t sexual to me anymore, not while my baby feeds from them.

I am really enjoying Rich though, and this wasn’t suppose to happen. I wasn’t suppose to met someone and start looking forward to their texts, to seeing them. Like I told my friend, am I this comfortable with him for him or because of his name? am I trying to get my Clayton back?

The two have some similarities, that’s for sure. And some stark differences. Any time I catch myself comparing the two, I immediately stop. Comparison is not fair, and it doesn’t do any good.

He is going through a divorce, and yes it’s being filed. I’m probably just his rebound, and he’s probably just mine. But damn it. The same name??

I still haven’t met anyone else, all the dates get canceled, mostly due to the fact my babysitter falls through. Maybe tomorrow I will be meeting someone else. And like I said, possibly Saturday. I hope so. While another part of me doesn’t want to. I just want to enjoy Rich, but I know I need to keep my options open.

This ended up being way longer than I thought, so I’ll end here.

Tonight was a good night

I hung out with a friend this evening, just for a couple hours. The baby and I went over to her apartment, and we sat around talking, and played Farkle. It was my first time, and I lost the first game, but beat her badly the second. It was fun!

She mentioned dating. And, while I’m not ready to date at this point, she made me feel like it’s okay. It was such a relief! Anytime the idea of dating someone enters my head, I feel terrible, that I’m somehow betraying Clayton, that it hasn’t been nearly long enough for the idea to even enter my thoughts.

I am not ready to date at this point. I get attached too easily, and at this point, it would hurt a lot if I got attached and he just left. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I’ve decided that,

  1. I need to handle being single again. I need to be okay to be alone. Dating someone to fill a void in your life isn’t fair to the other person, and isn’t fair to yourself. I don’t want to become dependent on someone else for being content and happy. I need to reach that before I date. Before Clayton and I got together, that’s what I was doing. And then we happened before I was really ready…but I don’t know if someone who wants a relationship will ever truly be content until they get their heart’s desire. But they can at least learn how to be single.
  2. I need to be employed (I won’t say “working” because trust me, stay at home moms work plenty!), and/or in school. Like I said above, I get attached too easily, and if I don’t have anything else going on, he would quickly become too much to me, and I can’t do that. Clayton was my world, outside of my daughter. Which, I’m not saying even if he wasn’t, his death wouldn’t have affected me. No, it still would have destroyed me regardless. I just cannot make another man my world at this point. I’m not sure how I’d handle losing him (through a breakup, I certainly hope I don’t lose another loved one to death for a very long time). It would probably hurt a lot, and I don’t want to deal with more heartbreak for a long time. I need other things to keep me busy instead of just seeing him, and at this point, I don’t have other things. And I’d rather not have a man be my world, rather be in my world.
  3. I need to finish working through the grieving process. I know there is no timetable, but when you know you’re not ready because you’re still grieving pretty hard…well, no brainer- stay single!

So yeah. But the bright side- I did get hired, CNA position! I have an interview (same position) somewhere else tomorrow. It’s closer so if they offer me the job, I may take it instead. We’ll see!

Just talking with her about the whole dating thing made me feel loads better.