So, I mentioned that I’m no longer in school. Back when I was, and working, I figured I could handle dating. The thought of dating no longer sent waves of guilt through me. I definitely do not want to date again- I miss Clayton so much, and I would rather he be here. I know we’d just fight and bicker and make up. But I would rather that than this void in my life.
But he’s not coming back. I can’t wait for a dead person (I know that sounds harsh but it’s how I handle it- he’s dead, not gone because that sounds too much like he’ll be back and he won’t be).
I felt ready to date again. So I created an online profile on Plenty of Fish. To date, I still haven’t had anything super creepy or disgusting. Very refreshing. I was also trying to respond to every message. Heck, I even sent out a few firsts! Some guys responded, some didn’t. I brushed it off. Eventually that got too difficult, so I’ve quit trying. Also, I wasn’t responding to any “Clayton’s” (that’s the name I’ve given him here).
And guess what? I got one of the best messages from one. He was also attractive and he used his full name, vs the common nickname, so I decided why not.
After just a couple days, we met up in the afternoon for a walk in the park. My mom kept my daughter for me, and off I went.
It was awkward, but I had a good time. He wore sunglasses the entire time, which was slightly off-putting, but I slipped mine back on, and tried to ignore it.
As we went to split ways a couple hours later, he wanted to kiss me. I said no, and that was that.
We resumed texting, and my date for Friday night canceled. I had canceled on him the Friday before, so I almost wonder if it was intentional, but we’re trying again for Saturday so maybe it wasn’t.
Anyway, with my Friday night cleared up, I met up with- let’s call him Rich. It was only for an hour and a half, but I had way too much fun. A really good time. The few beers I had may have helped that, though.
I told my sister I’d be back before midnight, so we left at about eleven thirty. We hugged, and he went in for a kiss, and I looked away. He assumed I didn’t have a good time, and I was forced to explain that I’m not really into kissing.
I love kissing during foreplay, but honestly, if sex isn’t followed, I don’t have much interest in kissing. Unless, like with Clayton, I’ve been with the guy for awhile, then I don’t mind it. But just a kiss goodbye? No thanks, not into that with a new guy.
We have hung out a few more times, and our texting has been pretty dirty. We’re going to have sex, I know it. It’s just a matter of time. I want to have sex so bad, it’s been forever. But the idea of being sober for first time sex, no…No. I have never had first time sex sober. My list of guys can be counted on one hand, but I was intoxicated every time.
Plus all the build-up. Ugh. I want alcohol in me before it happens. Not drunk, just a nice buzz. But I promised myself no more drunk first time sex. Urgh!
My daughter is eight months old, and I did bring her with me the last two times I saw him. If I hadn’t, pretty sure we would have been on all over each other. Now, I know some will judge me and say it’s way too early to bring her around him.
I disagree. One, she is less than a year old, and two, with her dad’s side of the family, she is always meeting new people. I won’t parade her around guys, or them around her, but for now, I think it’s okay. Judge me if you want- I’ve made peace with my decision.
Anyway. Another thing that bothers me is I’m still breastfeeding. The idea of him messing with my boobs- just no. But he doesn’t know, I never mentioned it (and why would I?). Pretty sure I won’t leak during sex. Getting myself off, I don’t leak. When she was younger, sometimes having an orgasm, my breast would leak a little, but they don’t anymore. Or they don’t. Watch them do it with him.
And that brings me to this- none of my bras fit but my nursing bras, and they’re unattractive. I want to wear something sexy. I want to feel sexy. I guess I could, and just hope there is no leaking that gets my bra all wet.
With Clayton none of this mattered. He found me desirable, leaky breast and all. I just wouldn’t let him touch because, sure they’re bigger than normal, they just aren’t sexual to me anymore, not while my baby feeds from them.
I am really enjoying Rich though, and this wasn’t suppose to happen. I wasn’t suppose to met someone and start looking forward to their texts, to seeing them. Like I told my friend, am I this comfortable with him for him or because of his name? am I trying to get my Clayton back?
The two have some similarities, that’s for sure. And some stark differences. Any time I catch myself comparing the two, I immediately stop. Comparison is not fair, and it doesn’t do any good.
He is going through a divorce, and yes it’s being filed. I’m probably just his rebound, and he’s probably just mine. But damn it. The same name??
I still haven’t met anyone else, all the dates get canceled, mostly due to the fact my babysitter falls through. Maybe tomorrow I will be meeting someone else. And like I said, possibly Saturday. I hope so. While another part of me doesn’t want to. I just want to enjoy Rich, but I know I need to keep my options open.
This ended up being way longer than I thought, so I’ll end here.