So this happened

The same summer I met Clayton, I met this other hot guy. I always referred to him as Motorcycle guy. But I met Clayton first, and at that time, if I had sex with someone, I pretty much became closed off to other guys.

Had Motorcycle guy pursued me, I think I would have ended up with him. But he didn’t, and I stayed with, and came to love, Clayton.

Very randomly, we’d chat. And every time, he would surprise me at the stuff he remembered I had said. Like, seriously? Sweet!

Well, on the 4th I messaged him on Facebook. Because I always wish him a happy 4th- not sure why. He responded, and asked for my number. I gave it. And we started texting, and he said we should hangout. I was excited, not gonna lie.

Being excited to see him? That sort of bothered me…. I haven’t been excited to see anyone since Clayton died. I looked forward to hanging out with Lee, but I wasn’t excited to see him.

Motorcycle guy came over to my place and we went swimming. My baby went to bed after, and we watched Netflix. I had work in the morning, and it just kept getting later and later. And he wasn’t leaving. I finally said I am so tired, and he just gets comfy on my pull out couch bed.

He had been drinking a lot, but we didn’t talk about him staying. I let him, though. By that point it was nearly midnight and I had to be up at 6.

Well he starts lightly touching my abdomen, my side, up to my boobs. I love the gentle touches on my body, and in the past, those touches would turn me on. Since Clayton died, they don’t effect me. I feel like if I was a guy, I wouldn’t even be able to get hard and even have sex. But I’m not a guy and can have sex even without being aroused.

His touch did something to me. The most anything has. Then we started kissing, and he went to touch me under my shorts. I said no, that I need sleep. He immediately stopped, and I went to sleep.

Well, that time I kissed Lee and he stroked my face/hair- that was pretty hot. Did a little something to me, but I felt really weird about kissing and couldn’t stop thinking about Clayton.

Motorcycle guy texted me later that day, and today, too. Lee texted me today, too. I was surprised to see him pop up on my screen. I responded. We went back and forth for a little bit.

I don’t know how interested Motorcycle guy is. But I have always liked him. And I think he must like me too. Especially since he still remembers so much of the shit I’ve told him.

Only took three years, but I’ve finally kissed him! Too bad I don’t really feel anything anymore.

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A lot has happened

 

I haven’t written lately. I haven’t wanted to, although there’s a few blogs I still come back to read.

I moved into my own apartment a month ago. It’s a two bedroom, and for now the baby and I are sharing a room. Once I get a bigger bed, I’m moving into the other room, though. I have had a twin size bed for forever, and I can’t wait to get a queen size.

Anyway! I’ll give an update on my dating life.

Rich and I quit hanging out because I wasn’t quite ready to have sex. Despite his profile stating he’s cool with just being friends, no sex. Okay, sure. I was okay with it being over. He reminded me too much of Clayton, and it broke my heart. He reminded me slightly of John Doe as well, and let’s just say I don’t want him in my life, and I don’t want constant reminders.

Lee and I have continued to hang out. Not a lot, I am a single mom after all. And I don’t really have anyone to watch my daughter anymore since my sister had her new baby. He tried to kiss me on the first date but I said no. He left it at that, and to my happiness, he didn’t try anything the second time.

The third date, I believe it was, I let him kiss me. I wanted to kiss him, anyway. It was weird. I don’t know if it’s his kissing style, or what.

Last month, I had sex with him. Sober, first time sex. My sexual partners number is single digits, but each one, I was drunk for the first time. So, first time sober sex is a big deal. It was also the first time I’ve had sex with anyone else since Clayton and I got together in 2013. And of course, since he died.

It hurt when he entered me, and my first thought was “good, my baby didn’t stretch me out permanently.” I guess that’s probably a weird thought to have during sex, but… it was my thought process.

I’ll admit I did hope he didn’t have a condom so I could say no, because I was changing my mind about doing it. Not because I didn’t want sex, because I did. But because I was nervous. I was nervous to be with someone sober. I was scared I would get attached. And I felt like I was betraying Clayton.

Lee started texting me first more after we had sex. But we’ve only seen each other once since then, and we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period. Well, we could have. But I don’t like to, and he stopped when I told him.

I’m not attached. Actually, I felt nothing. Not regret, not anything. Do I like Lee? Yeah, I enjoy hanging out with him. I can be a smartass, and he just dishes it back. He doesn’t call me an angel, and I really like that. I don’t feel like I need to be extra good because he expects it.

I went on a date with another guy, who I’ll call Alex. I didn’t even feel guilty for going on a date after having sex with Lee. I didn’t feel tied to him, and that’s weird for me.

Before I knew it, Alex was saying I should come spend the time, and he’d make up a bed for the baby. I tell him no, I don’t think so.

Again, I am a single mom. I don’t have a lot of free time. Well, last week he texts me and basically says our schedules won’t work and he isn’t going to use his free time being friends with someone. I was with my sister from out of state, and decided I’d reply later, if at all.

An hour later, he’s texting me again saying he doesn’t like I didn’t respond. Wtf? You’re rejecting me, and then upset I don’t respond? I sent him a text, being nice, and just said thanks for telling me.

Somehow we end up texting, and next thing I know, he says he’ll come see me Friday night. Um…okay. Well, he gets here, and we talk and joke. I was being a smartass in my joking, and he’d always look so offended. Just too sensitive. Jeez.

He left when I said I needed to get to bed. I wake up to a text from him in the morning that says thanks the opportunity to get to know me and have a goodnight and life. I read that, shook my head, and got out of bed. Have a good life? Seriously. Wow.

Honestly, I was glad he changed his mind- again. Because I had decided after he left, I was done. He talked and talked and talked and then when I went to say something on the subject, he said let’s not talk about it. Oh, and he didn’t even make sense.

So. Back down to just Lee. He wants to take me on a ride on his boat. I’m down with that!

We’ve been seeing each other since late March. And have had sex. I don’t know what we are, what he wants, none of that. He is still on POF. I deleted my account after Rich. I decided I didn’t have the time to try and date and if the guys I was talking to worked out, fine, but I was done looking.

A part of me wants to ask Lee. But I don’t want to be exclusive, and if he does, well I figure he’ll bring it up. I do want to have sex. And with him, I feel like that’s the only thing we need to make this about. I fucked his friends right before I met Clayton. No idea how close they are, but the point is I did. And I also feel like he’s a mistake. Is he a mistake or do I feel that way because I’m not actually ready for a relationship? I don’t know. But if I just want sex, do I tell him or no? I don’t know what to do.

I do know I want to go out this weekend and get a nice buzz. And have sex.

Kissing

I hung out with Rich for almost two hours this afternoon. My mom watched the baby for me, and I went over. We sat on the couch and listened to Pandora and talked. It was pretty nice, actually.

And then he pulled me into his lap. And I knew where he wanted to take things. He kissed my forehead, then brought his face close to mine, and like a dork, I laughed. He shook his head at me.

He lays me down on the couch, bringing himself over me. He slowly lowers his head, and then stops, lips almost on mine. I wait. He kisses me tentatively. And I realize kissing isn’t too scary. Although that first kiss always makes me nervous.

We’re kissing, and he grabs my boob, runs his hand down and grabs my butt. Out of nowhere, I laugh- again. When I’m nervous, I laugh. Which is silly, and I felt really dumb, but I couldn’t help myself.

He carries me to the bedroom, and I say no, I can’t- I’m weird, remember? He laughs and says I am awkward and weird, but not in a bad way. Which for some reason made me laugh more. You can’t tell me I make things weird and expect me to be totally normal!

Needless to say, we didn’t have sex. I wanted to, and after I left, I wish I had. Heck, I even wore a regular bra! And it matched my underwear. I had to be home at a certain time because my mom needed to do something, and we really didn’t have time. Well, he would have, but not me. And I’m sorry, but I’d like to get off, too.

Another thing that stopped me was I had climbed on top of him, and kissed him. And suddenly, I was pulled back to Clayton. He loved me laying on his chest. He would stroke my hair, my back, squeeze my butt. And his eyes- he’d stare at me like I was the most gorgeous woman ever (he did tell me that sometimes).

In Rich’s eyes I saw desire, but it wasn’t the same loving look I had grown accustomed too, nor would it be, I know that.

Maybe I’m not ready for sex just yet. I don’t know. I just know I wasn’t ready today.

He had said I make things weird the other day, and I simply said sorry, and lost interest in texting for that day. So I told my sister I wasn’t sure how things were going with him anymore, so when I told her about this afternoon, she said she’s confused. I’m confused! I don’t know if I want friends with benefits, but I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want anything serious.

How am I suppose to know what I want when I want is Clayton to not be dead? I’m trying to deal with this the best I know how, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel guilty at the thought of dating, so it’s okay to date again, right?

I know he’s never coming back, and I feel like I’ve accepted it.

I suck at dating. I suck at starting over. If not for my daughter…I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Probably get in my car and drive away.

I have to keep going forward, and dating is a step forward. Outside of that, no idea.

Back to dating

So, I mentioned that I’m no longer in school. Back when I was, and working, I figured I could handle dating. The thought of dating no longer sent waves of guilt through me. I definitely do not want to date again- I miss Clayton so much, and I would rather he be here. I know we’d just fight and bicker and make up. But I would rather that than this void in my life.

But he’s not coming back. I can’t wait for a dead person (I know that sounds harsh but it’s how I handle it- he’s dead, not gone because that sounds too much like he’ll be back and he won’t be).

I felt ready to date again. So I created an online profile on Plenty of Fish. To date, I still haven’t had anything super creepy or disgusting. Very refreshing. I was also trying to respond to every message. Heck, I even sent out a few firsts! Some guys responded, some didn’t. I brushed it off. Eventually that got too difficult, so I’ve quit trying. Also, I wasn’t responding to any “Clayton’s” (that’s the name I’ve given him here).

And guess what? I got one of the best messages from one. He was also attractive and he used his full name, vs the common nickname, so I decided why not.

After just a couple days, we met up in the afternoon for a walk in the park. My mom kept my daughter for me, and off I went.

It was awkward, but I had a good time. He wore sunglasses the entire time, which was slightly off-putting, but I slipped mine back on, and tried to ignore it.

As we went to split ways a couple hours later, he wanted to kiss me. I said no, and that was that.

We resumed texting, and my date for Friday night canceled. I had canceled on him the Friday before, so I almost wonder if it was intentional, but we’re trying again for Saturday so maybe it wasn’t.

Anyway, with my Friday night cleared up, I met up with- let’s call him Rich. It was only for an hour and a half, but I had way too much fun. A really good time. The few beers I had may have helped that, though.

I told my sister I’d be back before midnight, so we left at about eleven thirty. We hugged, and he went in for a kiss, and I looked away. He assumed I didn’t have a good time, and I was forced to explain that I’m not really into kissing.

I love kissing during foreplay, but honestly, if sex isn’t followed, I don’t have much interest in kissing. Unless, like with Clayton, I’ve been with the guy for awhile, then I don’t mind it. But just a kiss goodbye? No thanks, not into that with a new guy.

We have hung out a few more times, and our texting has been pretty dirty. We’re going to have sex, I know it. It’s just a matter of time. I want to have sex so bad, it’s been forever. But the idea of being sober for first time sex, no…No. I have never had first time sex sober. My list of guys can be counted on one hand, but I was intoxicated every time.

Plus all the build-up. Ugh. I want alcohol in me before it happens. Not drunk, just a nice buzz. But I promised myself no more drunk first time sex. Urgh!

My daughter is eight months old, and I did bring her with me the last two times I saw him. If I hadn’t, pretty sure we would have been on all over each other. Now, I know some will judge me and say it’s way too early to bring her around him.

I disagree. One, she is less than a year old, and two, with her dad’s side of the family, she is always meeting new people. I won’t parade her around guys, or them around her, but for now, I think it’s okay. Judge me if you want- I’ve made peace with my decision.

Anyway. Another thing that bothers me is I’m still breastfeeding. The idea of him messing with my boobs- just no. But he doesn’t know, I never mentioned it (and why would I?). Pretty sure I won’t leak during sex. Getting myself off, I don’t leak. When she was younger, sometimes having an orgasm, my breast would leak a little, but they don’t anymore. Or they don’t. Watch them do it with him.

And that brings me to this- none of my bras fit but my nursing bras, and they’re unattractive. I want to wear something sexy. I want to feel sexy. I guess I could, and just hope there is no leaking that gets my bra all wet.

With Clayton none of this mattered. He found me desirable, leaky breast and all. I just wouldn’t let him touch because, sure they’re bigger than normal, they just aren’t sexual to me anymore, not while my baby feeds from them.

I am really enjoying Rich though, and this wasn’t suppose to happen. I wasn’t suppose to met someone and start looking forward to their texts, to seeing them. Like I told my friend, am I this comfortable with him for him or because of his name? am I trying to get my Clayton back?

The two have some similarities, that’s for sure. And some stark differences. Any time I catch myself comparing the two, I immediately stop. Comparison is not fair, and it doesn’t do any good.

He is going through a divorce, and yes it’s being filed. I’m probably just his rebound, and he’s probably just mine. But damn it. The same name??

I still haven’t met anyone else, all the dates get canceled, mostly due to the fact my babysitter falls through. Maybe tomorrow I will be meeting someone else. And like I said, possibly Saturday. I hope so. While another part of me doesn’t want to. I just want to enjoy Rich, but I know I need to keep my options open.

This ended up being way longer than I thought, so I’ll end here.

And life goes on

Due to the 5 Year Journal taking up most of my time when I am on here, I haven’t been posting about what’s been going on.

As I mentioned, I enrolled in school a month ago for dental assistant. I was worried I made the wrong choice, but determined no choice was even worse. With that being said, it was the wrong choice.

I knew I was getting my diploma, but I assumed upon graduation, I could immediately sit for certified dental assistant (CDA). Nope, not the case I discovered. I would have to wait 2 whole years, working as an assistant. Why? Because the program lost their accreditation.

Now, if I truly wanted to  be a dental assistant, I would stick it out anyway. But I don’t. I was just doing it to get on my own feet again, and work as one while I went on to get my nursing degree.

Guess what else I found out? If you work in a dental office for two years (and the dentist signs off for you, and you hold a current CPR card) you can sit for your CDA. You hear that? No school! Just find an office that will hire you, and boom.

But no. This school wants me to pay sixteen thousand and attend a 4 1/2 hour class five nights a week for 32 weeks, and then work in a dental office for two years. Hell no.

I went to withdraw Monday. The program director, understandably so, tried to talk me out of it. I told her I thought about it all weekend, and I had made up my mind. She then tells me if I go anywhere else I will be in school for two years, and do I have time for that; they won’t offer evening classes; nor will they have the accreditation I need to sit for my CDA upon graduation.

Bull-fucking-shit. Literally, the school across the street offers an accredited program. But I didn’t want to do two years. And they offer morning, late morning, and evening classes. I never would have enrolled with the school I did had I known I couldn’t sit for my CDA upon graduation, and I explained that to her.

She tells me that I won’t be able to pass the CDA unless I work as an assistant for two years, because “it’s really, really hard.” I just look at her and state, “I am very confident in my abilities to pass without working as one first.”

Seriously? If you just said that, it sounds like your program is lacking. Right? If I can’t pass the CDA after doing this “great” program you’re trying to sell me (oh, wait, you did until I learned the truth), then your program really isn’t all that great.

So, I’m out of school. Super disappointed. I will be taking EMT classes soon as they start up. I always wanted to be one, and it’ll be a good stepping stone to nursing. If I even go that direction. I think I’d be okay being a paramedic.

My best friend told me she was really disappointed to hear about school because she knew it made me happy to finally be doing something, and that figuring out the next step is hard, and I’ve “had to do that a lot lately.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I have. I keep trying to find the next step, and the ground is shaky, and I’m scared. But I’m trying to go on anyway. I won’t drown. Just maybe be set back.

Having been in school and working, I felt ready to start casually  dating. (Not causal sex, just dating.) I don’t want anything serious, just to get back out there. I don’t feel guilty at the thought anymore, and there is no time limit on these things. Some may say 4 months isn’t long enough. And maybe for some it’s not. But I feel ready, and I think that’s the important thing.

Anyway, more coming on that.

Tonight was a good night

I hung out with a friend this evening, just for a couple hours. The baby and I went over to her apartment, and we sat around talking, and played Farkle. It was my first time, and I lost the first game, but beat her badly the second. It was fun!

She mentioned dating. And, while I’m not ready to date at this point, she made me feel like it’s okay. It was such a relief! Anytime the idea of dating someone enters my head, I feel terrible, that I’m somehow betraying Clayton, that it hasn’t been nearly long enough for the idea to even enter my thoughts.

I am not ready to date at this point. I get attached too easily, and at this point, it would hurt a lot if I got attached and he just left. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I’ve decided that,

  1. I need to handle being single again. I need to be okay to be alone. Dating someone to fill a void in your life isn’t fair to the other person, and isn’t fair to yourself. I don’t want to become dependent on someone else for being content and happy. I need to reach that before I date. Before Clayton and I got together, that’s what I was doing. And then we happened before I was really ready…but I don’t know if someone who wants a relationship will ever truly be content until they get their heart’s desire. But they can at least learn how to be single.
  2. I need to be employed (I won’t say “working” because trust me, stay at home moms work plenty!), and/or in school. Like I said above, I get attached too easily, and if I don’t have anything else going on, he would quickly become too much to me, and I can’t do that. Clayton was my world, outside of my daughter. Which, I’m not saying even if he wasn’t, his death wouldn’t have affected me. No, it still would have destroyed me regardless. I just cannot make another man my world at this point. I’m not sure how I’d handle losing him (through a breakup, I certainly hope I don’t lose another loved one to death for a very long time). It would probably hurt a lot, and I don’t want to deal with more heartbreak for a long time. I need other things to keep me busy instead of just seeing him, and at this point, I don’t have other things. And I’d rather not have a man be my world, rather be in my world.
  3. I need to finish working through the grieving process. I know there is no timetable, but when you know you’re not ready because you’re still grieving pretty hard…well, no brainer- stay single!

So yeah. But the bright side- I did get hired, CNA position! I have an interview (same position) somewhere else tomorrow. It’s closer so if they offer me the job, I may take it instead. We’ll see!

Just talking with her about the whole dating thing made me feel loads better.