Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

It hit me

So I had texted Lee on Tuesday after staying the night Saturday. He had responded. But come Saturday, still nothing! I chalked it up to he really isn’t interested in me, and I will simply delete our texts, and be done.

Well, I was pretty resolved on that. Until that evening. I texted him, and we texted back and forth for awhile. About nothing really. Because we never really talk about anything.

He then texted me yesterday evening. Nice, he texted first!

But…I really do doubt he has that much interest in me. I think I’m more just some girl he’s getting sex from while he looks for someone else. Which, I’m okay with not being his “one”. That doesn’t bother me, because he’s not mine either. But to use me? I don’t like that. At least tell me what it is.

Tonight I decided to Facebook stalk (yes, I have gotten back on Facebook…unfortunately) this girl I know he hangs out with, and I assume fucking. They spent the day together. At his mom’s. He had his daughter, she had hers.

Why does this bother me? Because he isn’t opposed to other women’s kids. Apparently just mine. He also took this same girl out on a boat ride, with her daughter- and his- on father’s day. But offered to take me, if I found a babysitter.

Okay, okay. Maybe they’re just friends.

But I have never been sold on him.

The point of this post was really me coming here to say it hit me that the only reason I texted him Saturday was because I’m trying to keep his attention. I don’t need him, hell, I don’t really even want him. I just want him to want me.

I want to be wanted. And because I feel like his interest is dying down, I texted him hoping to get him back.

If my lack of free time is why he’s uninterested, I can’t change that. Although he is welcome to hang out with the baby and I. But if he’s uninterested due to me, well I can’t help that. Not everyone will love me, and I’m okay with that.

I really am okay, knowing that not everyone will love me. But it doesn’t mean it feels good when they start seeming uninterested!

Now that I realized what I’m doing (although thank goodness I’m not as bad as I use to be and text the guy every day), I’m going to work on fixing it.

Although honestly, I still have this desire to ask him to his face what we are doing, where we stand. Just because. I like forcing people to talk that awkward stuff, once I get past the awkwardness of bringing it up.

Have I said dating sucks?