Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

Advertisements

There was no buzz

I wanted to get buzzed this past weekend because I was off work, and had been majorly depressed. Needless to say my coworker bailed (she got sick) and while I was fine with going out alone, Lee invited me over.

But let’s do Friday first.

I was staying in and just relaxing. Lee asked if I wanted company, and I said sure. We watched an episode of Dexter, and then had sex. I’m still not big into kissing him…

It was getting hot, and I asked if he wanted the fan on. He said he’d get hot either way. I’m like uh okay. I mean, I was on bottom. But then, it just got soo hot! And at that point, I was riding him, so I climbed off, turned the fan on, got a drink of water, and resumed.

He said I’m so sexy on top- which, I think, is the first compliment he’s given me.

He took the condom off towards the end. And his reasoning is he hates getting off with one on. Excuse me? That pissed me off. He knows I’m not on birth control, so why take it off to cum? Sure, he pulled out but still.

After, he laid down next to me and talked for about 30 minutes. He said he had to go like three different times, and that he didn’t want to go. I said nothing. I didn’t want him staying. Nor did I figure he would, anyway. I knew he had to work in the morning, and I doubted he had his work clothes.

But his whole talking for 30 minutes after sex just made me feel like it he was doing it because he assumes that is what girls want after sex- a conversation. And I have since been left with a very strong nagging feeling he’s a player.

Well, come Saturday evening, he texts and asks if I still have a babysitter. I said yeah, but not til 9. He said he’s dog sitting for his mom, and she has a pool if I’d wanna come over. A part of me wanted to say no and just go to the bar alone. But I said yes because I was hoping for the opportunity to ask something like “so we hooking up or is this actually going somewhere?” but it didn’t.

I had sex on his parent’s couch. I haven’t met them. And if I do? I feel awkward just thinking about it. Which is probably dumb, but still.

My baby’s sitter told me she’d keep her all night. So, after Lee and I had sex, he passed out, and I decided I’d fall asleep next to him. And that’s what I did. And felt extremely weird and awkward all night.

In the morning, I took 20 minutes trying to decide if I should wake him up and tell him I was leaving or not. I finally nudged him and when his eyes opened briefly I said I had to go. He just kinda looked at me, and I awkwardly patted his arm and left. I don’t even know if he was awake.

I texted him yesterday, just a copy of a text I sent to my sister and a couple friends about what a resident said. He texted back, and we joked about it for a few minutes, and that was that.

I don’t know if he doesn’t ask to hang out because he knows my free time is limited, and he just waits for me to mention it. Or if he’s really not that into me. And I’m just someone to screw while he looks for something better.

I am starting to like him. And I don’t want to be played and left hurting. So, I think it may be time to try and see where he stands. Is he still dating others? Yes, okay, then maybe I should cease contact. Does he want something more than sex with me? No, then let’s end this.

I bought two tickets to see Gary Allan because they were ten bucks a piece. I am going to invite him. And kind of go from there.