3 Years

I haven’t been on here on in forever, and I decided to get on tonight. And boom, I have a notification telling me I joined 3 years ago. Has it really been that long?

So much has happened. My daughter and I went to Florida over Thanksgiving week. I ignored the fact Lee didn’t text and tell me happy Thanksgiving (for the record, I didn’t text him either).  I think we hung out the weekend before I left though. I don’t really remember.

My work had an 80’s theme Christmas party earlier this month, and I invited him. I really didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did. It was held at a hotel, and my co-worker and her fiancé got a room. Which is mostly where the fun happened.

A few things did stand out though. First, being when he saw he photo booth he straight up said we need to get our picture taken. Second, I told them I hadn’t seen some movie, and he is just so surprised, because he’s yet another “famous” movie I haven’t seen. He says we need to have a “catch you up on movies day” and I’m like yeah, that’s gonna be a lot of days, and he just says “I know.” Like he intends to keep hanging around.

I pointed out my unit manager to him. A little later he asks if he flirts with me. I said no, and he said he’s surprised. I laughed and said he’s gay. He goes oh, damn, and I straight up reply with “That’s what I said.” He just about dropped his cup, I shocked him. It was great.

One of my co-workers, in the dietary department, had asked me out. I ended up declining because we work together, but also because I’m 3 years older than him. Well, I hadn’t told Lee any of this. He sees the guy though, and says something about his shaggy hair. I’m like um…okay.

Needless to say, I got pretty drunk in the hotel room. Like drunk to the point, some of the drive home is blacked from my memory. Lee drove us to his house. On the drive, he says something about the guy with shaggy hair, and I blurt out, “Ya know, he asked me out.”

He looks at me. “Really? What’d you say?”

“I considered it, but I said no.”

He glances at the road, then stares at me. He says something about good, because I deserve better. He places his hand on my thigh, like that’s suppose to comfort me, or something.

I told him to not say that (that I deserve better).

He squeezes my thigh. “You do deserve better than him though.”

“Just stop it.”

He says my name. “You do deserve better! You’re better than that.”

“You don’t even know him, so just stop.”

He repeats himself.

I snap. “Stop saying that when you don’t even believe it yourself.”

He definitely looks shocked. “Why would you say that? of course I do!”

“No. No, ya don’t. Because you don’t even think I’m worth being exclusive with.”

He stares at the road. “That’s just me,” he finally says, “so take me out of the picture, and don’t you think you deserve better than him?”

I didn’t answer, and just stared out the window. I’m pretty sure a tear rolled down my cheek, but I was so angry! So angry at him. Angry for making fun of my co-worker, angry he said I’m better/deserve better than said co-worker without knowing him, and without thinking if I deserve better, he should fucking step up to the plate or walk the fuck away.

We get to his house, with rest the drive in silence, although I don’t remember rest of it. I think I may have passed out, but I don’t know. I remember going to the bathroom, and walking to his room. I promptly sat on the bed, and removed all of my clothing, leaving on  only my black, lace panties. He sat on the bed, and scooted up behind me. Being all sweet, wrapping his arms around me. I crawled away, and curled up under the covers like the little brat bitch I am sometimes. He played a movie, and I tried to stay awake. But I was so drunk. So tired.

He said my name. I ignored him. He begged me, “Please don’t be upset.”

I recall saying I wasn’t.

He asked me to look at him, so I turned my head, looked at him, and then rolled back over. I guess he had enough, because he grabbed me, and pulled me on his chest, wrapping his arms around me.

My last two thoughts were, “I hope my hair isn’t bothering him” and “I really miss Clayton holding me like this.”

I woke up a few hours later, and quickly seduced him awake. He had no problems with that.

Another couple hours, and I woke up him again because my babysitter needed me to come get my kid.

He drove me back to my apartment, and said he should take me shooting sometime. I agreed. I guess I didn’t scare him off.

We hung out for a couple hours last night, and it felt kind of perfect. Then I had to go get the kid, and told him I had to leave in like 15 minutes. He quit wrapping his gifts, and climbed in bed next to me to hold me. He scratched my back for a bit, and we kissed a little.

He thanked me for coming over, even if only for a couple hours, and that we should hang out again soon.

The last time I’d seen him, before the Christmas party, he had me over and we were looking at the paint colors and themes for his house. It was weird.

So that, and then with his actions last night- it confuses me. I do believe he likes me. But I don’t think he’s going to give me what I want. A real relationship. Exclusivity. Move forward.

All month I’ve decided 2017 either starts with ending it with him, or moving forward with him. I see it ending. But we’ll see. Time’s almost out for us, I do believe.

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Orientation was today

I had orientation for school today. I had been so anxious and excited for this day. I was eagerly looking forward to it. And then it came, and with it, a bunch of doubt and questions.

Am I doing the right thing?

Can I actually do this- be a mom, have a job, and go to school?

Of course you can! Other single moms do it all the time!

Am I making a mistake choosing a career school vs a community college?

Is this a mistake?

What if I hate being a dental assistant and this is pointless?

I really couldn’t shut it off.

I kept thinking how much I miss Clayton, and I wish he were here for me right now. I want someone I can be insecure to, without judgment and have them tell me I can do this, that it will be okay.

And I’m not saying my friends/family won’t tell me that. I’m sure they will. But coming from him, it just meant something different than from them. I won’t say everyone, but a lot of us have that one (or two) person(s) that we just need to hear things from to make us feel okay. And for me, he was it. I didn’t even realize it until he was gone.

But he’s not here. And I’m suppose to be strong. That’s what everyone sees. So, I will do this with a brave face, and keep my insecurities and doubts to myself (and whoever is reading this).

Tomorrow is my first day of class. On a Friday, weird, I know. But I’m okay with that. I’m ready to start.

5 Year Journal| Day 55

Whose life did you make a difference in today?

It’s my job to help my residents, it’s what I’m there to do, and I don’t think anything of it. But it really means the world to them when you help them, especially when you’re friendly.

I had helped give a lady her shower, and helped her dress after. When she no longer needed my help, I told her I’d see her later, but just hit her button if she needs anything else.

She thanked me deeply, saying how sweet I am. I felt awkward, and said, laughingly, “I try!”

Sometimes just talking to the elderly, smiling and laughing, makes the biggest difference. I love helping them, but when they thank me, I feel awkward.

I doubt I made a life-long difference, but for the day, or even just the morning, I made a difference.

Things are a-movin’

I wasn’t even suppose to wait this long- sheesh, it’s already February!

So. I had a drug test today (not a problem) for a CNA job I should be getting. It’s part-time, which is how I wanted to go back to work. Start out with a few hours, let baby and me adjust. Hopefully I’ll start there soon.

I called about EMT classes, and the class is almost full, so I really need to decide if I’m going that route. I had had an reaction to the two-step skin TB test almost 2 years ago, and required an X-ray, which came back negative. But I can’t get the skin test again, which is what they require. I asked how up-to-date does the X-ray need to be, and she should she hadn’t had that question before, and didn’t know, and gave me a number to call.

In the end, I need an up-to-date X-ray anyway. Because if I don’t do the EMT, I want to go to college for my dental assistant, and that does have to be less than a year old for the college to accept it.

The community college apparently no longer does appointments with advisers, just walk-ins. Kind of sucks because when you have a baby, you want an appointment so you know when you’re gonna be seen. My plan is to go talk to them about their dental assistant program tomorrow.

Monday I have an appointment at the career college for their dental assistant program. The community college is probably the better option, at least in my area, not all, but I want to at least talk to them.

I want to be a nurse. That is, and has been for 9 years, my goal. But nursing school is going to be incredibly difficult and time consuming and I’m just not ready for that commitment with my daughter this young.

Not saying the dental program will be easy (although I’m guessing easier than an LPN or RN program), but the plus to this is if I get my undergrad certificate, I can be done in 30 weeks. Which means I can make more money and move out of my parents. And the more I look into it, the more it does fascinate me. I like learning new things, and dental stuff is something I don’t know much about, despite having had braces from January 2010 to March 2013.

I was originally suppose to do all this at the beginning of January. But then I got sick. So, my plan is to decide if I’m going the EMT route (which also pays more than a CNA makes) or the dental assistant.

Not that I don’t like being a CNA, because I do (sometimes, not so much when I was pregnant). I really enjoyed it, and most of my residents. I just do not want to be a CNA for 20 years. I know some who have been, and that’s fine for them, I’m not going to judge them. But for me, no, it’s not what I want.

I have always wanted to be an EMT, so you’d think that’d be an easy decision. Except it’s not. And as much as I don’t want to be depressing, I just really want Clayton back and talk to him. I want his support and encouragement.

That’s that. This is the year I move my life forward, one way or another. For me, for my daughter. To a better life for us both.

Pregnant or Not

I don’t know.

So I’m sitting here, thinking omg! WHAT THE FUCK.

I got off work, and my plans to go out got cancelled, my girl friend’s boyfriend was sick so they went home. Well, I was bored so I went out. I got an .88 cent pregnancy test. I’ve only wondered because two days before my average start day, I woke up, and had a little blood.

Okay, no big deal. Starting my period just a little early. But then, the blood went away. And never came back. I still haven’t started, although technically today is my average start day. I’ve been having some cramps off and on, like I do when I’m about to start, although usually it’s just one painful cramp, and I start in a few hours. I’ve had one cramp every day for the last two days, but still haven’t started.

So, I got the pregnancy test. I know, I took it at night, and it’s super fucking cheap. But my mom and three sisters all used the cheap ones, and every time they were accurate. And every time I’ve used one in the past, they were negative- and lo and behold, I was never pregnant then.

But this test tonight…It has a thin, faint line. Marking it positive. I don’t what to tell the boyfriend, or my friends. Not yet. I’ll take another test in the morning, with that first morning pee.

And if I’m honest here…I’m not scared of having a baby. Rather the idea is exciting. The only problem is: I can’t believe it would be happening now. Not when I’m about to get rid of my boyfriend now. Sigh.  Such is life.

Tell me, does it look positive??

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A Day in My Life

Bullet point your whole day.

So challenge 15 is going to be boring. My day to day life isn’t exciting, but that’s okay.

  • I woke up at 10:30am, laid in bed til 11:30
  • Put on a bra, brushed my teeth, and went to the post office.
  • Cuddled with the “boyfriend” (we’re not exactly official, official…it’s complicated…and stupid).
  • “My” mechanic showed up to check out my car, and drove it around the block. He discovered the high pitch noise was from my brake pad being almost gone, and something was catching on the rotor. Yay, more expenses.
  • After he left, I jumped in the shower and got all clean.
  • The man and I walked over to McDonalds, where I ate too much.
  • We get back, and I dress for work, kiss him goodbye and drive to work.
  • Work, work, work.
  • Work, work, work.
  • Break time! Flat tire, so I drive the 5 minutes home, and park the crappy thing, and get out the Camaro.
  • Work, work, work.
  • Home!
  • Bitch about assholes who can’t park.
  • Apply at the hospital near me.
  • Get on the community college website…it sucks and made me grumpy. Why can’t I fucking pick what classes I want?? If I start failing, I’ll drop out, but why in the world do they tell me what I can and cannot take? My money, my time. Grr!
  • And now I’m here.

So, that’s what my day consisted of. Not very exciting. I originally planned on doing this as a day in advance, saying what I would do, but I’m lazy. I don’t do anything.