Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.


Falling Apart

Heart is breaking.

I broke up with my boyfriend today, after work. I feel so crummy.

He was even being sweet, asking me if I’d like to have lunch with him. I have an hour lunch, and he’s off today. He got me Taco Bell, and I met him at the house. I thought maybe I’d change my mind…

But I go back to work, and ponder it more. No, I had to break up. I love him, but I don’t know…Like, I don’t have a reason that I can explain. Which made me feel even more terrible for breaking up with him. I had nothing to tell him.

I get off work, come home. We are laying in bed, and he asks what I’m thinking. I turn it on him because I wasn’t ready. But a few minutes later he asks again, and I tell him, “Thinking about moving out.”

He asks where I’d go; I say my parents. He says we’re breaking up, right? and I don’t answer. He says that is a yes, and I nod. He won’t look at me, and I don’t blame him.

We don’t really say much. What’s left to say? I’m leaving, and he knows me- he knows he can’t change my mind. I fight off the tears. He goes out to smoke, and then a few tears fall. I pull myself together and pack.

Tears came quickly a few times, but I was quick to brush them aside. What am I crying for, I asked myself. But I know why. I’m crying because I’m hurting him, and even myself. I’m leaving someone I love but I don’t understand it.

I’m almost done packing. He takes out the flowers he got me for Valentine’s Day from my vase, and walks upstairs. I hear them hitting the trashcan, and then I started to cry. He threw them away, and I get it- they were dying, and I’m leaving. But it still hurt.

Everything is packed, ready to go, and I hug him. I guess that’s what you’re suppose to do, I don’t know. I’m usually left, but the guy doesn’t tell me we’re done. He pulls me down, and holds me tight. I cried then, for a minute, face buried in his shoulder.

I get to my parents, and my mom tries to hug me, but I don’t want to cry. After I get all my stuff inside, I go to my room, and let myself cry a little again.

And maybe I should just let myself sob, but I don’t feel like I have the right. I was the one breaking up, the one who knew it was coming. How can I cry?

I feel like such a shitty person. I hurt him, and I want to be there for him, but I can’t because I am the one who hurt him. How does someone who always wants to be there for someone, do this? How did I do this? I hate being left, but I’d rather be left than hurt someone.

I hate myself for hurting him.

And I hate hearing people say “do you” and all that bullshit. And I get it, I didn’t intentionally hurt him. But I did, and I can’t be there for him.

Damn it.