Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

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It hit me

So I had texted Lee on Tuesday after staying the night Saturday. He had responded. But come Saturday, still nothing! I chalked it up to he really isn’t interested in me, and I will simply delete our texts, and be done.

Well, I was pretty resolved on that. Until that evening. I texted him, and we texted back and forth for awhile. About nothing really. Because we never really talk about anything.

He then texted me yesterday evening. Nice, he texted first!

But…I really do doubt he has that much interest in me. I think I’m more just some girl he’s getting sex from while he looks for someone else. Which, I’m okay with not being his “one”. That doesn’t bother me, because he’s not mine either. But to use me? I don’t like that. At least tell me what it is.

Tonight I decided to Facebook stalk (yes, I have gotten back on Facebook…unfortunately) this girl I know he hangs out with, and I assume fucking. They spent the day together. At his mom’s. He had his daughter, she had hers.

Why does this bother me? Because he isn’t opposed to other women’s kids. Apparently just mine. He also took this same girl out on a boat ride, with her daughter- and his- on father’s day. But offered to take me, if I found a babysitter.

Okay, okay. Maybe they’re just friends.

But I have never been sold on him.

The point of this post was really me coming here to say it hit me that the only reason I texted him Saturday was because I’m trying to keep his attention. I don’t need him, hell, I don’t really even want him. I just want him to want me.

I want to be wanted. And because I feel like his interest is dying down, I texted him hoping to get him back.

If my lack of free time is why he’s uninterested, I can’t change that. Although he is welcome to hang out with the baby and I. But if he’s uninterested due to me, well I can’t help that. Not everyone will love me, and I’m okay with that.

I really am okay, knowing that not everyone will love me. But it doesn’t mean it feels good when they start seeming uninterested!

Now that I realized what I’m doing (although thank goodness I’m not as bad as I use to be and text the guy every day), I’m going to work on fixing it.

Although honestly, I still have this desire to ask him to his face what we are doing, where we stand. Just because. I like forcing people to talk that awkward stuff, once I get past the awkwardness of bringing it up.

Have I said dating sucks?

Well, that was awkward

The other day I went by Target, and I hadn’t been there very long when this guy starts trying to get my attention with a couple “hello’s”.

I immediately got self-conscious. He was saying how he sometimes feels “God leading him to say something” and I’m like oh man, this is awkward- I thought he was going to tell me I had blood on the back of my pants. Poor, brave guy!

But that wasn’t it.

He is awkward, and rambles on about how do girls show they’re interested in someone, and since I’m a woman, maybe I can help him out. I utter a little laugh, and before I can even begin to answer, he switches it up.

“I love to worship God, you know, and we worshipped together, and it was really great. I mean, it’s really hard to find a woman who worships God, and we worshipped together! But since then…” and he went on to say something about things aren’t the same, she seems a little distant or something. “So what should I do? Do I ignore her? or can I walk up to her when I see her in church?”

I said something along the lines of, “No, don’t ignore her if you’re interested. You could play it cool, be friendly, talk to her for now, and later bring up your interest. Or, you could cut out the games, and just tell her.”

He thanked me for my advice, and I’m like good luck.

How does a woman act when she’s interested? I don’t know, it depends on the woman.

How does a man act when he’s interested?

Clayton and I played so many games, it was frustrating. I liked him, but I wanted to play it “cool”, not come across as clingy. I loathed the idea of another friend with benefits relationship after being hurt so badly just a few months prior to the other FWB relationship. But I didn’t want to seem pushy or needy or anything negative, so instead of just saying I didn’t want to be a booty call, I pretended I was okay with it.

I wasn’t. I lied to him, I lied to myself.

We were constantly playing games, refusing to admit how much we cared about one another. Oh, sometimes we would tell each other. But so often, we didn’t.

Towards the end, I was just so afraid of being hurt, I was scared to confess to him just how much I loved him. I will always regret that.

Words of affection don’t mean anything without action. But with action, it is okay to use your words. So use them.

I hate game playing. Man, I hate it. Just thinking about it upsets me. Why can’t a man or woman just admit when they’re interested in someone? Take a chance, tell them. The most they can do is reject you, and guess what? It just means you won’t be getting emotionally involved.

I’m not advocating gushing mushy feelings after five minutes of knowing someone. But if you’ve been on a few dates and are truly interested and excited about this person, let it be known.

I seriously am dreading the idea of dating again. I dread the games. His “oh I can’t text her” or his lack of effort for fear of being “too serious.”

I’m not perfect. I have been known to not text because I don’t want to be clingy. But I seriously aim to be a lot more straightforward and honest when I do return to dating. Not interested? I want to let him know instead of just trying to ignore him, or decline “hanging out” so many times he gets the hint.

Since when is showing interest in someone a bad thing? Do you or don’t you want a relationship? If you do, put yourself out there. Sure it’s scary, but so is life.

If you don’t, and all you want is sex, tell them.

All this leading someone on, hiding behind games annoys me. Why are we so afraid of real dates? “Just hanging out.” Why can’t we go on a date?

Not interested? Say so. Interested? Don’t let your fear stop you from showing it.

As I was driving home, a thought hit me. What if he was doing one of those joke videos you see on YouTube? Asking a bunch of people a question. I didn’t even look around to see if anyone was filming! But I concluded it was legit… Either that, or he was incredibly good at acting super nervous and awkward.

Tonight was a good night

I hung out with a friend this evening, just for a couple hours. The baby and I went over to her apartment, and we sat around talking, and played Farkle. It was my first time, and I lost the first game, but beat her badly the second. It was fun!

She mentioned dating. And, while I’m not ready to date at this point, she made me feel like it’s okay. It was such a relief! Anytime the idea of dating someone enters my head, I feel terrible, that I’m somehow betraying Clayton, that it hasn’t been nearly long enough for the idea to even enter my thoughts.

I am not ready to date at this point. I get attached too easily, and at this point, it would hurt a lot if I got attached and he just left. I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I’ve decided that,

  1. I need to handle being single again. I need to be okay to be alone. Dating someone to fill a void in your life isn’t fair to the other person, and isn’t fair to yourself. I don’t want to become dependent on someone else for being content and happy. I need to reach that before I date. Before Clayton and I got together, that’s what I was doing. And then we happened before I was really ready…but I don’t know if someone who wants a relationship will ever truly be content until they get their heart’s desire. But they can at least learn how to be single.
  2. I need to be employed (I won’t say “working” because trust me, stay at home moms work plenty!), and/or in school. Like I said above, I get attached too easily, and if I don’t have anything else going on, he would quickly become too much to me, and I can’t do that. Clayton was my world, outside of my daughter. Which, I’m not saying even if he wasn’t, his death wouldn’t have affected me. No, it still would have destroyed me regardless. I just cannot make another man my world at this point. I’m not sure how I’d handle losing him (through a breakup, I certainly hope I don’t lose another loved one to death for a very long time). It would probably hurt a lot, and I don’t want to deal with more heartbreak for a long time. I need other things to keep me busy instead of just seeing him, and at this point, I don’t have other things. And I’d rather not have a man be my world, rather be in my world.
  3. I need to finish working through the grieving process. I know there is no timetable, but when you know you’re not ready because you’re still grieving pretty hard…well, no brainer- stay single!

So yeah. But the bright side- I did get hired, CNA position! I have an interview (same position) somewhere else tomorrow. It’s closer so if they offer me the job, I may take it instead. We’ll see!

Just talking with her about the whole dating thing made me feel loads better.