A run in with a lover

I went out with some of my daughter’s dad’s family for dinner at a bar and pool hall place, and on my way out, ran into Lee. Quick update: He had ended up texting me, and then a few nights later I found a sexy outfit and sent him a photo. After about three weeks of no contact, I’d done a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion, I am not ready for a relationship. I want sex. I let my friends opinions get to me and make me unhappy.

Anyway. After we left, her aunt offered to keep my baby so I could go back out and I accepted. I didn’t say hi when I went back though, I walked right past him. He came up to me, and invited me to play pool with him and his friends. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t ever go over either. I went out to hang out my daughter’s dad’s family, and I wasn’t going to just ditch them the second I got there.

As the night got later, he disappeared, and I thought he left. I waited about 10 minutes before shooting a text and asking if he left. He said no, and he’s not leaving without me. That was hot. Except then he came over a little later, and goes “you ready?” when I was talking to someone. He wasn’t rude to him, but he definitely wasn’t very friendly. I thought maybe he was jealous…Who knows.

We go to his house, and he jumps in the shower. I climb in bed, and throw my clothes on the floor. He gets in bed, plays a movie. I get up to get a drink, and he sees then I’m naked. He approved. And then the fun happened. He didn’t tie me up, unfortunately, but I did carry bruises on my ass the next day.

And that’s that. I didn’t regret it. Until the other day. I texted maybe three times since (once because it was his birthday), and he responds but he hasn’t texted first. I’m back to no texting him. I am okay with sex. But I’m not okay with being ignored. Like…use me if you will, because I was using you too, but at least send me a damn text so I don’t feel so low.

Ugh. Games. I hate them. I also don’t know how to play them very well.

Needless to say, I got on Fetlife. I am not done exploring, and while I trust him, and wish I could explore with him, I’m not sitting on the sidelines. I went to a social gathering at a bar of other fetlife members. And goodness, it was great. I’ve never been so readily welcomed into a group before. I had been talking to someone from fetlife who walked in with me, but after I got vetted for the play space in my area, I couldn’t find him right away so I went in and a group welcomed me over to join them. It was fun. I hope to go again.

And I definitely want to go to the dungeon.

Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

A real good spanking

Lee and I ended up texting, which then turned to sexting. And the following morning he sends me a text wanna come hang tonight and get tied up?

Well, that sounds enticing! I told him I’d try to get a babysitter. Because I make poor decisions sometimes. And damn it, I wanted sex!

My older sister agreed to keep the baby for me, and I let him know.

The first hour we’re outside while he’s moving his cars around, then we head in, and he takes a shower. I lay on the couch and watch TV. He joins me shortly later and we cuddle. He starts kissing me, stroking my side.

I’ve been strapped down once years ago and it was hot. Even being pinned down is hot. I love it. So when he said let’s head to the bedroom, I got up real quick.

In his room, the lights are off but the two reading lamps on his bed were on casting a dim glow. We kiss, he grabs my ass. I run my hands over his sexy shoulders. Then in a quiet voice, he demands I give him head.

I considered saying no, but I haven’t given head in forever, and I enjoy it. So I dropped to my knees and did his bidding. I couldn’t quite fit all his length in my mouth, although he demanded it, and I tried.

He makes me stand up, and lays me on my belly on the bed, and slaps my ass. He grabs his spanking whip and tells me since it’s my first time, he’ll go easy on me. He slaps, caresses, slaps. Each time getting harder. But never hard enough.

Then he fucks me.

After we’re done, we lay in bed for a bit talking about our jobs. Not very romantic, but I swear he talks after so the chance to have “the talk” doesn’t come up. And he never did tie me up…which left me slightly disappointed.

He finally gets up to let his dog inside. I dress and go downstairs. He watches a movie, and I look at the time. Getting late, almost 11:30 and I still have a 30 minute drive to my sister’s and another 15 to my place.

I go to the bathroom, come back, and while putting my shoes on, say it’s time for me to go. By the way he looks at me, I think he expected me to stay the night. He says “what” and I’m like I have to go get the baby.

He gets up and walks me to the door, and hugs me. And plants a kiss on my forehead.

What?

So this happened

The same summer I met Clayton, I met this other hot guy. I always referred to him as Motorcycle guy. But I met Clayton first, and at that time, if I had sex with someone, I pretty much became closed off to other guys.

Had Motorcycle guy pursued me, I think I would have ended up with him. But he didn’t, and I stayed with, and came to love, Clayton.

Very randomly, we’d chat. And every time, he would surprise me at the stuff he remembered I had said. Like, seriously? Sweet!

Well, on the 4th I messaged him on Facebook. Because I always wish him a happy 4th- not sure why. He responded, and asked for my number. I gave it. And we started texting, and he said we should hangout. I was excited, not gonna lie.

Being excited to see him? That sort of bothered me…. I haven’t been excited to see anyone since Clayton died. I looked forward to hanging out with Lee, but I wasn’t excited to see him.

Motorcycle guy came over to my place and we went swimming. My baby went to bed after, and we watched Netflix. I had work in the morning, and it just kept getting later and later. And he wasn’t leaving. I finally said I am so tired, and he just gets comfy on my pull out couch bed.

He had been drinking a lot, but we didn’t talk about him staying. I let him, though. By that point it was nearly midnight and I had to be up at 6.

Well he starts lightly touching my abdomen, my side, up to my boobs. I love the gentle touches on my body, and in the past, those touches would turn me on. Since Clayton died, they don’t effect me. I feel like if I was a guy, I wouldn’t even be able to get hard and even have sex. But I’m not a guy and can have sex even without being aroused.

His touch did something to me. The most anything has. Then we started kissing, and he went to touch me under my shorts. I said no, that I need sleep. He immediately stopped, and I went to sleep.

Well, that time I kissed Lee and he stroked my face/hair- that was pretty hot. Did a little something to me, but I felt really weird about kissing and couldn’t stop thinking about Clayton.

Motorcycle guy texted me later that day, and today, too. Lee texted me today, too. I was surprised to see him pop up on my screen. I responded. We went back and forth for a little bit.

I don’t know how interested Motorcycle guy is. But I have always liked him. And I think he must like me too. Especially since he still remembers so much of the shit I’ve told him.

Only took three years, but I’ve finally kissed him! Too bad I don’t really feel anything anymore.

There was no buzz

I wanted to get buzzed this past weekend because I was off work, and had been majorly depressed. Needless to say my coworker bailed (she got sick) and while I was fine with going out alone, Lee invited me over.

But let’s do Friday first.

I was staying in and just relaxing. Lee asked if I wanted company, and I said sure. We watched an episode of Dexter, and then had sex. I’m still not big into kissing him…

It was getting hot, and I asked if he wanted the fan on. He said he’d get hot either way. I’m like uh okay. I mean, I was on bottom. But then, it just got soo hot! And at that point, I was riding him, so I climbed off, turned the fan on, got a drink of water, and resumed.

He said I’m so sexy on top- which, I think, is the first compliment he’s given me.

He took the condom off towards the end. And his reasoning is he hates getting off with one on. Excuse me? That pissed me off. He knows I’m not on birth control, so why take it off to cum? Sure, he pulled out but still.

After, he laid down next to me and talked for about 30 minutes. He said he had to go like three different times, and that he didn’t want to go. I said nothing. I didn’t want him staying. Nor did I figure he would, anyway. I knew he had to work in the morning, and I doubted he had his work clothes.

But his whole talking for 30 minutes after sex just made me feel like it he was doing it because he assumes that is what girls want after sex- a conversation. And I have since been left with a very strong nagging feeling he’s a player.

Well, come Saturday evening, he texts and asks if I still have a babysitter. I said yeah, but not til 9. He said he’s dog sitting for his mom, and she has a pool if I’d wanna come over. A part of me wanted to say no and just go to the bar alone. But I said yes because I was hoping for the opportunity to ask something like “so we hooking up or is this actually going somewhere?” but it didn’t.

I had sex on his parent’s couch. I haven’t met them. And if I do? I feel awkward just thinking about it. Which is probably dumb, but still.

My baby’s sitter told me she’d keep her all night. So, after Lee and I had sex, he passed out, and I decided I’d fall asleep next to him. And that’s what I did. And felt extremely weird and awkward all night.

In the morning, I took 20 minutes trying to decide if I should wake him up and tell him I was leaving or not. I finally nudged him and when his eyes opened briefly I said I had to go. He just kinda looked at me, and I awkwardly patted his arm and left. I don’t even know if he was awake.

I texted him yesterday, just a copy of a text I sent to my sister and a couple friends about what a resident said. He texted back, and we joked about it for a few minutes, and that was that.

I don’t know if he doesn’t ask to hang out because he knows my free time is limited, and he just waits for me to mention it. Or if he’s really not that into me. And I’m just someone to screw while he looks for something better.

I am starting to like him. And I don’t want to be played and left hurting. So, I think it may be time to try and see where he stands. Is he still dating others? Yes, okay, then maybe I should cease contact. Does he want something more than sex with me? No, then let’s end this.

I bought two tickets to see Gary Allan because they were ten bucks a piece. I am going to invite him. And kind of go from there.