5 Year Journal| Day 45

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

I got 8, but due to a nursing baby, it was interrupted a few different times.

Which, by the way, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night’s sleep where I slept the whole night through. Sometime in the third trimester of pregnancy, sleep was lovely, and hard to get a lot of at once. And, I swear that the reason pregnant women have a hard time sleeping is the body’s way of preparing you for that little one.

You learn to live with exhaustion, and it becomes normal. Like, before I couldn’t imagine not getting my sleep. I’m use to it, now. Would I like an uninterrupted 8 hours? Of course. But, I can function on this. Before, I could only handle a couple days before I would crash for half a day to make up for a few night’s of bad sleep.

Yet here I am, good to go. Mom-power.

5 Year Journal| Day 31

Who is the last person to tell you they loved you?

My mom. I think. Might have been my sister when she was leaving yesterday evening.

Breastfeeding

I know breastfeeding is full of pros. My mom and sisters talk about the joy of bonding with their babies in the past. I don’t feel that. It’s not to say I don’t enjoy nursing her sometimes, just holding her, rocking her, my finger clinched in her little hand. Because I do enjoy it sometimes.

But sometimes…sometimes it’s tiring. At first I had to use a nipple shield because she would not latch on the nipple itself. Well, the shield saved me the pain of beginning nursing. Well, without it now, breastfeeding hurts! It’s getting better some days. But then some nights, all she wants to do is nurse every hour or 45 minutes. And it’s so frustrating. My nipples hurt, I want to sleep…

I just don’t enjoy nursing like they do. I really thought I would. I feel guilty. And I wonder why I feel so guilty. It’s okay if I don’t enjoy it. I’m going to stick with it though because I can, and it is better for her. Do I look down on or think less of mothers who do quit? No, not at all. As long as they’re feeding their baby, it’s okay.

I’m also sticking with it because dealing with formula is even worse than nursing. The first couple of days I supplemented with formula, a very little, while I waited for my milk to come in. And getting up to go get it was so much more annoying. Popping out a boob is so much easier. I am very thankful I can nurse…even if I don’t always enjoy it.

I pump as well, trying to get a supply built up before I return to work (and I get to take off all this month too! she’ll be a little over two months old when I return to work). Pumping is even worse because I get so bored. So I’ve taken to watching Modern Family while I pump. It makes it much easier to deal with.

Sometimes I pump while nursing, even though I don’t prefer to. But it gets it done.

I love my baby girl.

A New Normal

I am now 31 weeks pregnant. I’m not trying to count down the weeks- but it’s kind of happening without me being able to stop. I’m really excited to meet my little girl face-to-face, to hold her tiny self in my arms.

I am enjoying being pregnant now though. It only took me til about 24-26 weeks to really start enjoying it. Living with the (ex)-boyfriend was just so stressful, that I wasn’t really enjoying it. I am now though. And feeling her move, wow.

Anyway.

Being pregnant also takes some getting used to. I’m a small girl, and I could always fit through the narrowest of places. I could get down on the floor, and jump right back up. My balance was perfect.

I’m a CNA, and that’s a lot of physical work. I’d squeeze past broda-chairs, get on the floor to plug a bed remote back in, bend over to put socks or shoes or a “pull-up” on someone, transfer a shaky resident no problem.

Yeah. Well, even though I’m not very big, getting down requires a moment to think about standing back up. Transferring shaky residents can be scary because my balance isn’t what it was. As for squeezing through narrow spaces? Yeahh, no sucking in a baby bump!

I can’t run down the hall to grab a change of clothes or something. The idea of walking down the hall tires me out. And I typically walk- the pregnant walk. The waddle. I can’t help it. I’m just so tired. I’m an energetic person, it’s so weird to have no energy.

One day I was driving home from I don’t recall where, and thought to myself, “I can’t wait to have her and have everything go back to normal.”

Then it hit me. While sure, I’ll get some energy back, my balance should return, I won’t have a bump protruding from my abdomen, blah blah, “normal” will never return. At least the normal I had. I will find a new normal.

Because having a baby changes your normal. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just something I realized. Sometimes adapting to change is hard for me. I don’t always dislike change, because I know it is a good thing, but yeah, if I’m honest it can be hard for me.

I will have a new normal, and it’ll take some adjusting to. Even though I’m excited and being a mom is something I’ve always wanted, it’ll still take adjusting. That’s just the way it is. Having a baby is a huge change.

And your normal will not be the same. You’ll find a new normal. And that’s perfectly okay.

I Wanted Cheesecake

Really, really bad.

Like a pregnant lady craves cheesecake, that’s how badly I want it.

Of course I’m not pregnant though. Thank God. I love kids- well behaved kids- and all, but I’m 22, constantly fighting with my boyfriend, and I don’t think bringing kids into this messy relationship would be helpful.

Not that I’m saying 22 is too young to have kids- there are young moms out there who are more loving and caring than 40-something moms.

Anyway.

Cheesecake.

I want it. And my boyfriend was suppose to take me to dinner tonight- it’s been planned for almost a week now. But then when I’m at work, he texts me and says he is going to make me dinner, what sounds good?

Um. I was hoping to go to the Cheesecake Factory. So I just said “Cheesecake.”

Like, I’ve been going on and on about cheesecake for the past week. He works at a restaurant that serves Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, and I asked him to bring me home a slice one night. He couldn’t that night, and apparently thinks I lost my craving for it because still has yet to bring me home a slice. Which is irritating.

Ok, I know I sound like a bitchy girlfriend, and I’m sorry. Truly, I am. I just really want cheesecake! Blame it on PMS-ing.

Whatever. I just want some flipping cheesecake!!