Day 1| Quote Challenge

The Challenge:

1. Post in three consecutive days.
2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

 

When I saw that Jan over at The Life of Jan was doing this quote challenge, I planned on participating. So when she challenged me, I was pretty excited. I really love quotes, and I really challenges, so I felt this one was perfect.

So, a pen-pal of mine sent me this quote and I loved it, right away.

At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.

The last three months have been hell for me, and I’ve been pretty depressed. I do not want this to be the way things end for me- to end up a bitter, depressed woman.

I am going to get through this, and I will be okay. If you’re one to compare life to a book, then we all know a book can bring a lot in its pages, and that chapters start and end. In this case, losing someone, an end of a chapter doesn’t really fix the loss. But healing does come. And by the end of the book, the character has found strength to go on and begin again.

Life after death of a loved one is never the same as before. You find a way to manage, you begin a new start.

Life after a baby is never the same as before either. And for me, I’m pretty much learning both at the same time.

But I’m not done, my story isn’t ending here.

I challenge these three bloggers (and I hope you participate, but don’t feel obligated!):

1. Baby Just Say Yes
2. I Put the Ass In Sassy
3. Keeping Up With Kristy

Going Crazy

I try to remain a positive person.

I try not to use the popular phrase fuck my life.

I mean, the people I hear using it are usually just having a bad day, and are quick to bitch and moan. Suck it up, buttercup, not every day will be sunshine and roses.

But seriously…I reached the point I could not get it- fuck my life- out of my head the other day. I felt horrible, because I know others have it worse than me, that my life could actually get worse. Maybe I just wanted the pity party.

My car broke down almost, what, three weeks ago. No biggie…It cost me two hundred bucks and I’ve had it almost two years. I won’t be getting it fixed, because it has a lot of other problems, this newest problem just killed her.

So I borrowed my parents mini van for a week. Then I picked up my baby- my Camaro. I’ve had her for nearly five years, and she’s a brat, but I love her. Usually.

Friday, the day after bringing her back to my apartment, I’m going to run to Perkins for lunch before work. Only my Camaro won’t start. Um. What the fuck. I try again and again. Absolutely nothing.

I get a ride to work from my sister, and the boyfriend picks me up. Work was long and just overall very trying. My back was also killing me. I was hoping maybe I could avoid back pain, but the last few days my back has been killing me. Pregnancy is painful!

Anyways. The boyfriend got a new job at a different restaurant and he asked me to help him study the menu for his test he had tonight.

I was depressed over both of my cars being dead, his drinking (he’s cutting back, but even when he wasn’t working for like a month he kept buying alcohol which means the utilities, rent, and the doctor bill all falls on me and yeah, it’s stressing me out), and I was in physical pain.

By then, he’s on the computer and I’m laying on the couch. I get up and head slowly to the bedroom. He asks what’s wrong and I said I’m in pain. He just says oh, and goes back to the computer.

Oh? OH? I would have liked to hear “would you like a back rub?”

I asked him for one once recently. He bitched and complained. Finally did it, and complained whilst doing it. I won’t ask again.

I pretty much cried myself to sleep.

Today I’m not focusing on my problems so I’m not as depressed. But my back is killing me, and I’m cursing myself for agreeing to work Monday. Eight days in a row…I remind myself the over time will be nice.

Condoms

Or rather the lack thereof.

Ok, so first off. I know I have been absent lately. I’ve been sick. I was seriously hoping to be one of those women who don’t get morning sickness, but alas, not so lucky. Then, I got a cold. I’ve barely been sick all year, and now, pregnant, I get sick. It has made me miserable. I am exhausted all the time. Smells, like food and perfume especially, make me want to vomit. I literally wore a mask at work all day because it was overwhelming.

I called in Tuesday, because I couldn’t stop throwing up. I hate calling in, but when you’re throwing up every hour or two, you aren’t going to be productive at work. Plus, I decided an extra day of rest was needed. And indeed, by Wednesday I had a little energy to which I went to work with,

But anyways. Enough about sickness.

I’ve been thinking lately about being pregnant. The boyfriend had, jokingly, said I wanted to get pregnant since I wasn’t on birth control. That pissed me off.

First off, he knows that birth control seriously fucks me up. It makes me incredibly depressed. Makes my moods worse (I already tend to switch back and forth on my moods, but add birth control to it?).

Secondly, I have asked him several times to use condoms. He just says he doesn’t like condoms, sex doesn’t feel as good- all that shit guys say.

It is not JUST the girl’s responsibility to use protection. Obviously, yes, girls can take birth control. But what about the girls who are negatively affected by it? Or the girls who don’t believe in it? Why can’t the guy use a condom?

I know condoms aren’t sure-fast. But neither is birth control. Especially if it’s not taken daily, or the same time. Which I could never remember it at the same time.

Guys act like it’s only a girl’s responsibility. It’s not. It takes two to get pregnant. And I’m sick of hearing guys using their excuses. Well sex with condom is better than no sex, right? Too bad I, and more girls, don’t put our foot down and actually say no til he pulls on a condom.

Things I Believe

And I don’t care if you don’t.

It doesn’t change what I believe. I’m not going to force my beliefs down anyone’s throat.

1.     I believe in God. Okay, okay, I know. A huge amount of people believe in “God” or “a God”. Some people believe in a Higher Power- something or someone above us humans. I believe in God of the Bible. And I believe in His Son, Jesus. But I’m not going to try to convince someone to change their way of thinking/believing to match my own. I’ll respect you, you respect me.

I do have a problem with this “no God in schools” thing though. It is downright ridiculous. Not every school is the same, I’m not saying that. But there are kids who get sent home for praying at lunch, kids who get told they can’t sit off by themselves during meal time or break or free time, and have a Bible study. That group isn’t forcing anyone to participate, but yet they’re told they cannot have the meeting, or pray, or even open a Bible on school grounds because it might offend someone. Excuse me? Something will always offend someone. Get over it. Grow up.

Or if a kid wears a “Christian” shirt he gets sent home. Why? Are all graphic t’s not allowed? Ok, I understand. But graphic t’s are allowed and it’s censorship, and uncalled for.

Why is the public school system so intolerant of Christianity? I just don’t get it.

2.     I believe that YOU are in charge of your own happiness, and if you cannot reach some sort of peace/happiness while alone, you can never fully enter into a relationship and bring the best to the table. If you need someone to complete you, you’re lacking something. And if you’re lacking something, how can you really be your best for another person?

Happiness isn’t some destination you’re ever going to find, come to. Because happiness comes and goes. Happiness is a decision. It’s a decision just like commitment, contentment. You don’t reach the end of a long, hard road, and bam! Permanent happiness. That doesn’t happen. And you definitely won’t find it in someone else.

I’m not saying you won’t find someone who thrills you beyond what you ever achieved on your own. Because I personally get extra happy when I’m with my family. Just being with them, lifts my spirits. But I do firmly believe you need to know how to be happy before you try to get into a serious relationship. You don’t wanna drain someone empty, drag them down. And that’s what will happen. If they are your source, they will get rundown.

3.     I believe people CAN change, but most don’t because it’s hard, and they feel it’s easier to go on living the same way then to truly put in the effort to change. Changing is not easy, it’s painful. And in general, we would rather cry at who we are, then change and be who we want. It ain’t easy even admitting we need to change. And then, once we actually confront ourselves and set about changing, we fail. We get discouraged. People learn of our shortcomings, and then we’re judged. “Oh well I thought you had changed” and other snide comments.

Yeah, it’s definitely easier to just stay the same.

But let me clarify- change for the good. Anybody can go from good to bad, but changing for the good is harder. Like this…he decided to try drugs, ya know what’s the harm? Then he gets hooked. Yeah, ya bet changing a drug habit around is harder than actually getting into that drug habit.

4.      I believe that abortion is taking a life. Actually, science, and even abortionists, will admit it. I have heard all the arguments for abortion, but none justify killing the new little person.

Rape? Wait, we now kill children for sins of the father?

High-risk? So…inducing labor and delivering a dead baby isn’t risky?

Ectopic? Touchy…but not the same. It’s not done to get rid of the baby. It’s done to save the mom’s life, and aborting the baby is the outcome. Intentionally killing a baby and doing it to save the mom’s life-not the same. And in most ectopic pregnancies, by the time the procedure is even done, the baby has died anyway.

Decided not to be a mom anymore? Um, right. Because that works so well for the parents who decide to kill their children.

And numerous other reasons. I just cannot justify abortion. I know other people can, and will. I know I will be judged and ridiculed for my belief on this, but I just don’t care.

I actually have a friend who I just recently learned is pro-choice…sometimes. We talked, shared our reasons. And neither of us got pissed, or thought less of another. Just two people with a differing view. OMG! It happens.

5.     I believe that when you’re depressed, you need to avoid depressing pictures, music, quotes, movies- all that depressing jazz. It only makes it worse, and that’s not healthy. It’s okay to be depressed for a little while, but don’t wallow, and get stuck. Find the silver lining, and learn to smile again. You are special.

 

Okay, there ya go. Five things I believe. A long post, so I hope you managed to get through it…I do enjoy learning others viewpoints, so don’t be shy. Be respectful, but don’t be shy. I’m not one to get angry if you don’t see my point of view, so if you have something to say, I’ll read!

Not Feeling it

I love my dad.

I do, he is the most amazing man. He bends over backwards to help people, and he’s always there for me. And today is his birthday, so of course we’re celebrating it. I just got off work, and came straight to my room. I haven’t even taken my coat off (probably because my room has, like, no heat so it’s cold).

But I just don’t feel like celebrating right now. I’m sad, sorta depressed. I saw him on my lunch break. I went over and we talked a little. I told him after today, I will let him contact me. That I still want to talk to him, but I am the one who ended us, so I can’t be initiating all contact.

I don’t think he really believes me when I say I still want to see him sometimes, but I do. ‘Cause I do love him. And I miss him already. But I know breaking up is for the “best” right now. And maybe one day we’ll end up together, but right now I can’t do it. And that frustrates me because I don’t know why!

I told him I still want to talk to him, but I understand if he needs space right now.

I just really want to cry, but for now…I’ll go join my family.