Death

On my way to work this afternoon, I kept thinking about Clayton. Laying cold as ice in his casket. Looking so fake yet so real. I remember standing at the side, staring at him. I would blink back tears trying to soak him in. I kept thinking what his final moments were like, what his last thoughts were.

I get to work and force it out of my thoughts, focus on learning the residents.

I have two and a half hours left when I’m told a resident has died. Instantly, I’m back to my own nightmare. I don’t want to see her but I do. I follow a co-worker into the room, around the curtain- and there she is. My heart stutters. I stare at her, furiously blinking away forming tears. I’m telling myself to get a grip.

I see Clayton. I reach out to touch her- she is cool to the touch but nothing like he was.

I almost ask to go home, I became such a emotional wreck. Now, with that said you would think I was crying my eyes out. Somehow I managed to remain in control, outwardly. Inside I was dying.

I cried on the drive home. Why did he die at 32 years old? He wasn’t an alcoholic for years and years- best I figure, since 2012. How did his liver get so bad it failed in such a short timespan?

I wish I knew if he was awake when he died. I wish I knew where he died. I want to request the autopsy report, but I doubt they’d release it to me. I requested a copy of the police report (figured it would say where they found his body) but I never heard back.

All it takes to be informed of such thing is a piece of paper stating you’re married. That paper didn’t exist for us, so I can’t find my answers. I should just ask his mom to request both but I feel bad…

Today was just a hard day. One of those days were I’m transported back to November 13th learning of his death, and again to November 16th when I first viewed his body.

Maybe it’s time for help

This isn’t something I have wanted to admit to anyone, let alone to my family. A little while ago I Googled Post Partum Depression and found this article. And I started crying as I read it. Do I have PPD? I suspect, maybe so. I’ve felt this way since she was maybe 6 weeks old.

After Clayton died- well, I was, am, obviously grieving. I don’t know, maybe it’s just grief. Maybe it’s postpartum depression. Maybe it’s both meshed together.

I just keep trying to go forward. Because eventually everything will turn around, right? Eventually I’ll finally be okay, right?

Everything I do- or am trying to do- is to support my baby girl, and give her a good, stable life. I do love her. But, I don’t, and never have, felt that bond with her everyone talks about. I keep waiting for it. And waiting for it.

You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with postpartum depression feels this way, but many do.

Am I just being selfish? I feel like I’m being selfish. That I need to toughen up.

You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.

You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.

Those in the quotes are from the article, and they’re so spot on to how I have felt the last 7 months. The first month, it was hard, and I figured I was adjusting to mommy life. I figured I’d be fine.

About  4-6 weeks in, and I wasn’t getting better. There was still no bond. I couldn’t admit I thought I might have PPD. That’s admitting weakness! I’m strong, I’ve always been strong. I never need help.

Then Clayton died. And left me all alone in parenting. Some days I get so angry at him (although I haven’t lately) for leaving me.

It’ll be five months (where has the time gone?! how have I made it this far?) on the 13th since he died. And outside of accepting he’s gone, I don’t feel any better.

You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.

That about sums it up. I keep thinking if I do this (go to school) or that (get my own place) things will turn around and I’ll finally be okay. But I don’t know if that’s really going to change anything.

I will be calling my doctor Monday and asking for any recommendations on what to do about this, or for a support group. Something. It’s time I set aside my pride and fear of judgment from my family and seek help.

5 Year Journal| Day 72

Are you happy?

Not lately, I haven’t been. Grief comes and goes in massive waves and this week, I’ve been drowning.

Today, we’re going to look at headstones. I would much rather he be alive, but he’s not, so I am glad to finally mark his grave…

Clayton had been on my brother’s cell phone plan. My brother kept the number these last four (tomorrow) months, and the other day, my sister got on his plan. Taking Clayton’s number. I knew she was talking about it, but that was awhile ago.

A few nights ago in class, I get a text. I barely glanced at, and just saw part of the message, saying “hey it’s (insert sister’s name)”. I didn’t even pay attention to who it was from.

On break, I took my phone out to reply. And that’s when I noticed his number, his picture- and it just hurt so bad. I know he’s gone, and I didn’t even think for a second it was him. Instead, it just felt like a cruel joke.

I thought I was okay with her getting his number…but now I don’t think so.

Well, it didn’t help that I’ve been incredibly emotional lately either, though. Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much had it been another time. I don’t know.

5 Year Journal| Day 70

What is the most valuable thing you own?

If you money’s worth, than it’d be my Ford Focus. And even that isn’t worth a lot.

Sentimentally, it’d be my Camaro. And the necklace Clayton gave to me our first Christmas- but it isn’t super expensive. Which, he said he got in my birthstone but a friend got me a necklace with my birthstone for my birthday (it arrived late) and so he exchanged it for his birthstone. I still think he lied about that. Which is okay, I never minded.

I don’t really wear necklaces right now with a baby. At the time he got it, I was in a necklace wearing phase, and then I just sorta stopped wearing necklaces, and it bothered him I wasn’t wearing it anymore. I felt bad about that, but I tried explaining I wasn’t wearing any necklaces, not just his.

When I moved home, I couldn’t find it. I never gave it much thought. But then he died, and I wanted that necklace so badly. I looked everywhere in my room in vain. He was a sweetheart, and would buy me food, and occasionally flowers. But food was the best. He didn’t shower me with gifts, that wasn’t him, and I never cared. So that necklace was about the only gift I had from him.

I finally found it in his car. I have no recollection of it ending up in there. But I’m happy I have it back.

I don’t own a lot of expensive things…and I don’t have any valuables. Not that people who deemed valuable anyway.

Orientation was today

I had orientation for school today. I had been so anxious and excited for this day. I was eagerly looking forward to it. And then it came, and with it, a bunch of doubt and questions.

Am I doing the right thing?

Can I actually do this- be a mom, have a job, and go to school?

Of course you can! Other single moms do it all the time!

Am I making a mistake choosing a career school vs a community college?

Is this a mistake?

What if I hate being a dental assistant and this is pointless?

I really couldn’t shut it off.

I kept thinking how much I miss Clayton, and I wish he were here for me right now. I want someone I can be insecure to, without judgment and have them tell me I can do this, that it will be okay.

And I’m not saying my friends/family won’t tell me that. I’m sure they will. But coming from him, it just meant something different than from them. I won’t say everyone, but a lot of us have that one (or two) person(s) that we just need to hear things from to make us feel okay. And for me, he was it. I didn’t even realize it until he was gone.

But he’s not here. And I’m suppose to be strong. That’s what everyone sees. So, I will do this with a brave face, and keep my insecurities and doubts to myself (and whoever is reading this).

Tomorrow is my first day of class. On a Friday, weird, I know. But I’m okay with that. I’m ready to start.

5 Year Journal| Day 49

My biggest hope is__

I raise a strong, compassionate, patient, forgiving, motivated, and loving woman. She’s only a baby now, but I hope I do something right, and she grows into a wonderful woman.

I know she’ll make mistakes, frustrate me until I’m ready to rip my hair out. But I hope she learns from her mistakes, uses them as growing experiences.

I hope that despite having her daddy die when she was only 3 and a half months old, she has a good male role model, and doesn’t grow up with (lack of) daddy issues.

I hope she understands I am doing the best I can; parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, and sometimes parents screw up. Sometimes they do what they believe to be right, and only later do they realize it was wrong (hindsight, my friends, hindsight). And I hope she doesn’t hold my parenting failures against me.

I love her. And I hope she always knows that.

Day 1| Quote Challenge

The Challenge:

1. Post in three consecutive days.
2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

 

When I saw that Jan over at The Life of Jan was doing this quote challenge, I planned on participating. So when she challenged me, I was pretty excited. I really love quotes, and I really challenges, so I felt this one was perfect.

So, a pen-pal of mine sent me this quote and I loved it, right away.

At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.

The last three months have been hell for me, and I’ve been pretty depressed. I do not want this to be the way things end for me- to end up a bitter, depressed woman.

I am going to get through this, and I will be okay. If you’re one to compare life to a book, then we all know a book can bring a lot in its pages, and that chapters start and end. In this case, losing someone, an end of a chapter doesn’t really fix the loss. But healing does come. And by the end of the book, the character has found strength to go on and begin again.

Life after death of a loved one is never the same as before. You find a way to manage, you begin a new start.

Life after a baby is never the same as before either. And for me, I’m pretty much learning both at the same time.

But I’m not done, my story isn’t ending here.

I challenge these three bloggers (and I hope you participate, but don’t feel obligated!):

1. Baby Just Say Yes
2. I Put the Ass In Sassy
3. Keeping Up With Kristy

A Decision Made

Monday I went to the career college to talk about the dental assistant program. It went very well, and I got a tour of the place, and the classroom.

And I enrolled.

I am so excited!!

I had an financial aid appointment Tuesday, and got all that worked out. Some of it still makes no sense, but whatever. I know what the cost is, how much I’m getting in loans, and pell grants. How that stuff works- no idea.

I will start classes the 26th, and will graduate in October. As I left there Monday, I was beaming like a crazy woman. I am going to school! I should be in a new career this fall. Moving out finally looks manageable. I can support my daughter and myself.

I am also working part time- very part time. Only 24 hours a pay period. Which I’m okay with. I’d like maybe a little more than that, but the place I’m at, is so boring that the 24 hours every two weeks is going to feel like a lot longer.

After I start classes, I may look for a job only working weekends, and get 32 hours a pay period. But we’ll see how school goes, and if I need the weekends to study. I’ll have classes Monday-Thursday, 6pm-10:30pm, and Fridays 6pm-10pm. So, all week. And if I need weekends to study, can’t be working.

Anyway.

Life is finally holding some excitement for me again. I feel like I’m learning to live again since Clayton’s death. My life will never be the same without him in it, so I guess going to school is the first step to making a new life, a new normal, for me. His place in my heart will always be sad, empty, but I feel like this is the first step forward.

It’s hard moving on after the death of someone you love. You feel guilty. You feel guilty for getting excited and/or happy. Because as soon as you feel great, you want to tell them, and instantly remember they’re gone, and then you feel sad and maybe even guilty. Sad they’re not here, guilty for feeling so happy.

Monday as I left, I was walking to my car, smiling like mad, and my first thought was I can’t wait to tell Clayton! to I can’t tell him and I felt immediate sadness, and my excitement at starting school, dimmed to nearly nothing.

I had to shake myself out of it. I may have even said it aloud,don’t feel guilty for being excited, he would be happy for you.

And he would have been. He may have encouraged me to go for my LPN instead of my dental assistant, but in the end, he would have supported me and encouraged me to go forward.

So, I’m going to be excited. I’m going to let myself be happy. But when I need to cry, I will do that, too.

5 Year Journal| Day 42

I wish I had__

More time my daughter’s daddy. In two days it’ll be three months since he died, and I miss him so much. I’m forgiving myself (even if people tell me I hold no blame in his death, it doesn’t change the fact I feel like I do), and the pain isn’t a raw, aching mess 24/7 anymore. Not saying I still don’t miss him 24/7, because I do. And some days are just full of pain. Other days, the pain is less intense, and I might have a sting of sharp pain thrown in.

Time helps dull the pain, but no matter how much time goes by, sometimes that raw pain  will hit you. It just gets less and less frequent, but never truly leaves you. You just learn to live with pain in your heart.

Single Mom: To date or not to date?

So last night I was in search of single mom groups in my area. I really feel like I could use the support especially since Clayton’s death. A lot of what popped up was dating sites and articles about single moms dating.

One article in particular (which I’m not linking to because it was so disgusting) made me feel pretty terrible. It was saying that any woman to have a baby outside of wedlock are idiots. That having a baby outside of an established relationship a terrible idea. And while I do believe marriage is the best place to have children, I don’t regret my daughter. Marriages fail- divorce is rampant. Unfortunately.

That single moms don’t care about their child’s future or well-being, that the child will do poorly in life (depression, drug abuse, jail, suicide, emotional problems, lower education problems, etc). That hit the hardest. During my pregnancy all I could think about was my baby’s future (I still do). I want to give her the best. And the idea of her dealing with such problems, ugh. It breaks my heart. But you know what? Even if Clayton and I had married, he still died. I’d still be a single mom, although this article started out saying widowed moms aren’t single moms. That they are widowed and to call them single would insult his memory, her, and her children.

Well, what about a single mom who was dating the daddy, and he died? Where do I fit in? Am I a woman to steer clear of for my single mom status? Clayton and I had been back together (we had officially called in two months prior to his death), and we were working out issues, and mending us.

I’m not ready to even begin dating again, but even when I do, I am not looking for a daddy for her. Her daddy died. He cannot be replaced. When I do begin dating, I’m not looking to replace him. No other man can ever be him. I do hope that I will one day find a man who loves my baby, and cares for her as his own. Just as my brother in law has done with my niece.

That single moms should have an abortion instead of bringing a child into this world. That a single mom has screwed up, most she can do is not screw up her child’s life (because killing your child doesn’t screw up their life). I absolutely do not feel like I screwed up my life by having a baby. Yes, things have changed a lot, but I would not call it screwed up. I sincerely hope I am a good mom and don’t screw up my child. Because, yes, married couples can screw up their child’s life. It isn’t just single moms capable of that.

That being a single mom makes you a bad decision maker; that having a baby out of wedlock is the worst decision you could have made. Having a baby out of wedlock was not the worst decision I’ve made, and being a single mom definitely doesn’t make me a bad decision maker.

It also says that while men don’t mind a woman’s sexual history, he doesn’t want her uterus to have been occupied before him because he doesn’t want to compete with a baby daddy. (Yet, if she had an abortion, that uterus has still been occupied and there is still a baby daddy out there.) And if a woman has a long list of lovers, or anyone serious in her past, I think at times the occasional thought of “am I competing against someone?” may cross his mind. Of course, I could be way off base here.

The article also went on briefly about divorced moms- look out for their flaw because it’s there! Bashing women and basically saying how the divorce is the fault of the woman and she must be controlling or some other major flaw. And, heaven forbid the husband was abusive, an addict or some other major deal, well that woman was clearly a moron for even getting together with him.

Was I a moron for dating Clayton, an alcoholic? Well, this ties in with decision making, I reckon. It wasn’t the best decision. Unfortunately, by the time I realized he was an alcoholic, I had already fallen in love with him, and I couldn’t leave him. Although I did try. I always went back because I needed to know he was okay. In the long run, he wasn’t okay, he died. As much as I tried to help him, I couldn’t. My love couldn’t save him.

I think the only thing I agreed with was be cautious of a woman who will take absolutely none of the blame for her failed relationship. No one party is entirely innocent.

If I am not dateable due to having a child, fine.

In another article by the same woman (yes a woman wrote this), she says hell yeah to dating single dads, because they are responsible and put the child first, that single moms absolutely do not.

Excuse me, but my daughter does come first. Every decision I make, I think about her. All I do is think about her! How to raise her to be a strong, capable woman with a compassionate heart. How to care for her, how to set a good example for her.

I don’t think refusing to date a woman due to her motherhood status is a good reason to avoid dating her. If you’re opposed to having children, by all means, do not date her.

But the same goes for a woman. If she’s opposed to having children, do not date a (single) father.

When Clayton and I first got together and I found out he had a daughter, I was kind of disappointed. I love children and have always wanted children. But, for some reason, it just wasn’t something I wanted to hear. But then decided he wasn’t serious about me, and we were just hanging out to hook up, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have dated him if he wanted to be serious since I didn’t like the idea of a kid.

By the first month’s end, I really didn’t care he had a daughter. And a few months later, I finally met her, and she was just adorable. He was pleased she and I both liked each other, and I was relieved she liked me. Little kids can be funny.

Anyway, one more thing. The idea of dating as a single mom actually scares me. I have read so many heartbreaking stories of a single mom’s boyfriend beating, molesting, even killing her child. When I do date, the boyfriend will not be watching my baby girl. He won’t be my free babysitter (something some of the article’s commenters were saying single moms do, use the man she’s dating to watch their kids).

The idea of another man watching my baby girl terrifies me. It will take a lot to entrust him with the most precious thing to me. And that’s only after I know his character well. Of course, there are some men (women too) who can hide their true self. The BTK serial killer is a prime example.

Not all single moms are great. Some are horrible. But so are some married moms.