It’s Never Really Over

Yes, Katy Perry, you finally won me over. The first time I heard her song “Never Really Over” I thought I was stronger.

I only come here to talk about Lee it seems these days. Probably because I do not have to face the judgement of friends and family.

So, August last year he ended it. In January this year he finally reached out. That was all I wanted- him to miss me. However, it happened again, his reaching out. Never tried to hang out, just talking a little. I told myself I wasn’t going to wish him happy birthday, but I did.

The random messages continued to happen, about once a month. I finally called him out in like August, asking what is the point of reaching out to me, etc. That I felt it was disrespectful how he ended it (through a Snapchat). He apologized.

That conversation left up in the air. Would I hear from him? I cracked and messaged him. Then he messaged me on my birthday earlier this month. Really fucked me up. That’s how silly I am, that a text fucks me up. Didn’t help I was already in a funk either, though.

He said he owes me birthday spankings, and I said let’s do it. Like, quit talking if you ain’t gonna follow through. Well, apparently he followed through. He wasn’t free that night, but messaged me Friday asking if Saturday night would work. I said yes.

On my thirty minute drive to his house, I was torn between grinning like a damn idiot and cursing myself. But I mean, it’d be a year (a little over) since the last time I saw him and I still wasn’t over him, still hadn’t gotten him out of my head. And I hadn’t been fucked good since the last time I was with him. Or tied up or spanked.

I didn’t know if it was going to be awkward or weird when I got there. It wasn’t. He did tell me the gym is paying off, so that was nice. It was the same…like nothing had changed.

And I didn’t know if I should be happy or annoyed he seemingly had zero guilt or awkwardness.

I also don’t think he’s single. I’m pretty sure he’s still with his woman.

I didn’t even feel guilt knowing that. I feel guilt for not feeling guilt, though.

My ass is nice and bruised today and I even have a bruise from the wrist restraints.

I slept over. We parted with a side hug and he said thanks for coming over and I said yup and got in my car. Nothing from him thus far but that’s per usual. Nothing changed. I don’t know what to expect- like, will I continue to randomly hear from him or what? And can we skip forward to the future so I know how this turns out?

A stupid part of me feels like we should be together. Another part says girl, you couldn’t trust him.

Ugh.

Finally Over

For all my talk of ending it with Lee, I never did. I did go six months without seeing him, and continued to find excuses whenever he invited me over. But after six months, I finally caved. I saw him. He took me to dinner, shopping- fucking made me feel like a damn princess. The attention was awesome. Except he still had a girlfriend. But they were open! Or so he said. I actually briefly met her at a concert, and I doubted they were open then because she was clingy. She also seems to be totally in love with him.

We hung out two more times, and then boom- he sends me a snapchat and says he was cheating on her with me, that they were not open, and he will not continue talking to me, and ends it with “sorry I’m a selfish prick.” Like, what the actual fuck?

I’m a dumb ass and said something about “I’m sorry it has to end this way but I had a lot of fun so thank you for that, bye.”

A huge part of me feels relief it is over. Like, finally over and done. Another part of me is pissed I even caved in and saw him. Why the fuck did he insist on seeing me after so many months if they weren’t open? I kept saying no…I tried to respect the relationship, even if they were open (but they weren’t).

Why do that to me? Why end something that lasted 2.5 years through a fucking snapchat? Aren’t I worth more than that? I wanted to end it so many times, but I refused to do it through a text (a snap!), anything that wasn’t face to face. Of course, I never could end it face to face. But I still felt I owed him that much. Apparently he didn’t think so highly of me as I did of him.

It is over. Finally over.

 

2017 is ending

I ended up continuing to fuck Lee all summer. I dived into the kinky world. No regrets. I also finally visited the dungeon.

My regret, though? Fucking him. A girl commented on his picture on Facebook “mine” a few weeks ago. He’s yours? Then why did he fuck me just a week before? No, I’m not mad at her. I’m upset with myself for seeing someone I know was fucking others. I just kept holding onto hope I would be “more” to him one day. Clearly, I am not, and never will be.

He did come out with me and a few friends for my birthday. I went with him to his friend’s house party as well. That gave me hope.

Don’t’cha know hoping is asking for hurt? Don’t hope.

I haven’t spoken to him in about 2 and a half weeks. I didn’t want to bring up her comment, let alone through text. But I have decided that I will. Not be crazy about it, just kind of let him know I saw her comment, it has sort of bothered me in that I didn’t know he was seeing someone that seriously (to the point of claiming him) and I don’t feel comfortable fucking someone who is dating someone.

I won’t say anything until I hear from him. If I do. Maybe he’s done with me, too. A mutual, unsaid ending. That works.

A run in with a lover

I went out with some of my daughter’s dad’s family for dinner at a bar and pool hall place, and on my way out, ran into Lee. Quick update: He had ended up texting me, and then a few nights later I found a sexy outfit and sent him a photo. After about three weeks of no contact, I’d done a lot of thinking. I came to the conclusion, I am not ready for a relationship. I want sex. I let my friends opinions get to me and make me unhappy.

Anyway. After we left, her aunt offered to keep my baby so I could go back out and I accepted. I didn’t say hi when I went back though, I walked right past him. He came up to me, and invited me to play pool with him and his friends. I didn’t say no, but I didn’t ever go over either. I went out to hang out my daughter’s dad’s family, and I wasn’t going to just ditch them the second I got there.

As the night got later, he disappeared, and I thought he left. I waited about 10 minutes before shooting a text and asking if he left. He said no, and he’s not leaving without me. That was hot. Except then he came over a little later, and goes “you ready?” when I was talking to someone. He wasn’t rude to him, but he definitely wasn’t very friendly. I thought maybe he was jealous…Who knows.

We go to his house, and he jumps in the shower. I climb in bed, and throw my clothes on the floor. He gets in bed, plays a movie. I get up to get a drink, and he sees then I’m naked. He approved. And then the fun happened. He didn’t tie me up, unfortunately, but I did carry bruises on my ass the next day.

And that’s that. I didn’t regret it. Until the other day. I texted maybe three times since (once because it was his birthday), and he responds but he hasn’t texted first. I’m back to no texting him. I am okay with sex. But I’m not okay with being ignored. Like…use me if you will, because I was using you too, but at least send me a damn text so I don’t feel so low.

Ugh. Games. I hate them. I also don’t know how to play them very well.

Needless to say, I got on Fetlife. I am not done exploring, and while I trust him, and wish I could explore with him, I’m not sitting on the sidelines. I went to a social gathering at a bar of other fetlife members. And goodness, it was great. I’ve never been so readily welcomed into a group before. I had been talking to someone from fetlife who walked in with me, but after I got vetted for the play space in my area, I couldn’t find him right away so I went in and a group welcomed me over to join them. It was fun. I hope to go again.

And I definitely want to go to the dungeon.

Time’s Up

New Year’s Eve, I met Lee’s daughter. I think she liked me, she definitely acted like she did. She’s seven, and I was impressed with how well behaved she was.

After she went to bed, we started watching a movie, and he started passing out, so he grabbed me, and began kissing me. Movie was quickly forgotten. At one point, he got up and locked his door.

I don’t recall everything, just that he choked me and spanked me a lot. Mostly choked. Then he got up, opened his drawer, and pulled out a rope and tied my upper body up. I’ve been strapped down, but never tied up. It was hot…like really hot. And left me defenseless- not that I could ever defend myself against him anyway.

To tease him, when he finished tying me up, and looked pleased with himself, he positioned himself over me, and lowered his head to bite at my nipple. Right before his mouth closed around me, I wiggled away from him. I love surprising him, the look on his face made me laugh.

Of course I was punished for it, but I didn’t care. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a bit of a Masochist. Anyway, eventually we got some sleep. I had to go in the morning, and by then his daughter was awake. I told her bye, and left. I told Lee I had to go, and he says “Okay” and then ignores me. It annoyed me. How you gonna tie me up, hit my ass, and choke me and then not even tell me bye properly? Whatever. I left.

It was not this past weekend, but the one before, that I finally saw Lee again. Unfortunately I got super drunk. Like to the point, we didn’t even have sex. To be fair, he waited too long before going for it. I’d been there for hours before he made a move. After all his talk, I thought it would have happened sooner. I did wake up a couple hours later and woke him up. Which left him satisfied, but not me.

The following morning, I waited until he ate before bringing up the topic of ‘us’. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t remember once I was there ready to do it! I couldn’t think how to bring it up. So, nonchalantly, I finally asked, ‘You still hooking up with other girls?’

He says yes, but just the same one he told me about a couple months ago. I said I don’t care. Because I don’t care who it is; I care it’s still happening.

I finally ask, “So if I want more, am I wasting my time with you?”

He fucking says “Probably.” Like what the fuck. Yes or no. Probably is to keep me hanging around- and that’s who I am. Hang around and hope he changes. But no. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be someone’s priority, and quit being second or third.

He says that he’s been cheated on and it’s hard to trust. I said I get that, and that I could sit here and tell him I’m different- because I am- I won’t because if he doesn’t trust and believe me, he doesn’t trust and believe me. He said nothing. I said nothing. The conversation was over.

Anyhow, I left shortly later, and we’ve had no contact. I had given him a picture my co worker had taken at the Christmas party of us after I started drinking and jokingly said I’m giving it to him so he doesn’t forget me.

At first I was angry with myself for being upset he hasn’t contacted me and tried to pretend I didn’t care. Now, I’m simply letting myself be upset he hasn’t contacted. I can move on if I face how I feel. And I’m already doing better, being much more accepting of it. Last night though, he liked a couple of my pictures on Instagram though. And I did so good that day on not thinking of him or wanting to text him, too!

Things are over between us. I think what bothers me the most is now I can’t explore BDSM. I’m looking into some groups though, because I don’t want to stop learning about something I’m interested in because he doesn’t want something exclusive with me.

3 Years

I haven’t been on here on in forever, and I decided to get on tonight. And boom, I have a notification telling me I joined 3 years ago. Has it really been that long?

So much has happened. My daughter and I went to Florida over Thanksgiving week. I ignored the fact Lee didn’t text and tell me happy Thanksgiving (for the record, I didn’t text him either).  I think we hung out the weekend before I left though. I don’t really remember.

My work had an 80’s theme Christmas party earlier this month, and I invited him. I really didn’t think he’d say yes, but he did. It was held at a hotel, and my co-worker and her fiancé got a room. Which is mostly where the fun happened.

A few things did stand out though. First, being when he saw he photo booth he straight up said we need to get our picture taken. Second, I told them I hadn’t seen some movie, and he is just so surprised, because he’s yet another “famous” movie I haven’t seen. He says we need to have a “catch you up on movies day” and I’m like yeah, that’s gonna be a lot of days, and he just says “I know.” Like he intends to keep hanging around.

I pointed out my unit manager to him. A little later he asks if he flirts with me. I said no, and he said he’s surprised. I laughed and said he’s gay. He goes oh, damn, and I straight up reply with “That’s what I said.” He just about dropped his cup, I shocked him. It was great.

One of my co-workers, in the dietary department, had asked me out. I ended up declining because we work together, but also because I’m 3 years older than him. Well, I hadn’t told Lee any of this. He sees the guy though, and says something about his shaggy hair. I’m like um…okay.

Needless to say, I got pretty drunk in the hotel room. Like drunk to the point, some of the drive home is blacked from my memory. Lee drove us to his house. On the drive, he says something about the guy with shaggy hair, and I blurt out, “Ya know, he asked me out.”

He looks at me. “Really? What’d you say?”

“I considered it, but I said no.”

He glances at the road, then stares at me. He says something about good, because I deserve better. He places his hand on my thigh, like that’s suppose to comfort me, or something.

I told him to not say that (that I deserve better).

He squeezes my thigh. “You do deserve better than him though.”

“Just stop it.”

He says my name. “You do deserve better! You’re better than that.”

“You don’t even know him, so just stop.”

He repeats himself.

I snap. “Stop saying that when you don’t even believe it yourself.”

He definitely looks shocked. “Why would you say that? of course I do!”

“No. No, ya don’t. Because you don’t even think I’m worth being exclusive with.”

He stares at the road. “That’s just me,” he finally says, “so take me out of the picture, and don’t you think you deserve better than him?”

I didn’t answer, and just stared out the window. I’m pretty sure a tear rolled down my cheek, but I was so angry! So angry at him. Angry for making fun of my co-worker, angry he said I’m better/deserve better than said co-worker without knowing him, and without thinking if I deserve better, he should fucking step up to the plate or walk the fuck away.

We get to his house, with rest the drive in silence, although I don’t remember rest of it. I think I may have passed out, but I don’t know. I remember going to the bathroom, and walking to his room. I promptly sat on the bed, and removed all of my clothing, leaving on  only my black, lace panties. He sat on the bed, and scooted up behind me. Being all sweet, wrapping his arms around me. I crawled away, and curled up under the covers like the little brat bitch I am sometimes. He played a movie, and I tried to stay awake. But I was so drunk. So tired.

He said my name. I ignored him. He begged me, “Please don’t be upset.”

I recall saying I wasn’t.

He asked me to look at him, so I turned my head, looked at him, and then rolled back over. I guess he had enough, because he grabbed me, and pulled me on his chest, wrapping his arms around me.

My last two thoughts were, “I hope my hair isn’t bothering him” and “I really miss Clayton holding me like this.”

I woke up a few hours later, and quickly seduced him awake. He had no problems with that.

Another couple hours, and I woke up him again because my babysitter needed me to come get my kid.

He drove me back to my apartment, and said he should take me shooting sometime. I agreed. I guess I didn’t scare him off.

We hung out for a couple hours last night, and it felt kind of perfect. Then I had to go get the kid, and told him I had to leave in like 15 minutes. He quit wrapping his gifts, and climbed in bed next to me to hold me. He scratched my back for a bit, and we kissed a little.

He thanked me for coming over, even if only for a couple hours, and that we should hang out again soon.

The last time I’d seen him, before the Christmas party, he had me over and we were looking at the paint colors and themes for his house. It was weird.

So that, and then with his actions last night- it confuses me. I do believe he likes me. But I don’t think he’s going to give me what I want. A real relationship. Exclusivity. Move forward.

All month I’ve decided 2017 either starts with ending it with him, or moving forward with him. I see it ending. But we’ll see. Time’s almost out for us, I do believe.

He went all Christian Grey on me

And I don’t mean he tied me up and whipped me- because I would have preferred that.

The weekend of my birthday I went out, and then around midnight went over to his house. I was relatively sober. We had talked earlier that day about giving me a “crash course in bdsm.” I was pretty down for it, and excited.

But as the hours passed by, I started to thinking. Yes, I suspected he was seeing other girls. He hadn’t really said he was, but different little things made me believe he was. So when I got there, he was laying on the couch, and I went in and joined him. After a bit of making out, he asks if I’m ready, and I’m like “Um, about that…”

He stills, and looks at me. “Yeah?”

I was so freakin’ nervous, but I tried not to be. I looked him in the eye. “Are you taking other girls down there?”

He looked away. “Yes.” His voice was quiet.

I studied his face for a moment. I already mentally knew this, so why did my heart drop at his honest answer? Because I wanted to be the only one.

He told me like four weeks ago, right around the same time we had hung out. Which disgusted me. Did I go fuck a guy who just fucked someone else the night before? (The biggest reason this bothers me is he doesn’t consistently wear a condom with me. You fuck around, you wrap it up.)

I finally nodded and said okay. Silence. Long, awkward silence. We were still on the couch, me in his arms. I wanted to melt away. I worked through how I felt, the best I could in ten minutes. I finally asked something the lines of why me, what do you want with me if you have other girls- and other girls that do that with you?

He laughed awkwardly, and said he didn’t know how to answer that, but that he doesn’t do relationships (Christian Grey, y’all). But that he’s realized a pattern of just hooking up with girls and not taking it further and he’s been thinking about that.

We finally go to bed. I somehow slipped and told him I was starting to like him, and that it’s typical of me to like the guys who are emotionally unavailable. Then I made him tell me why he doesn’t do relationships.

He gave me this little sob story about being worried about it ending like his last one, blah blah. It literally pissed me the fuck off. But I try to be understanding. So I squashed my feelings and said “I get that.”

What the fuck. He knows what I’ve been through. I’ve given him a few chances to tell me this was strictly sex and not going anywhere, and every time, he refused. I assumed it was sex, but if that’s all you want, man the fuck up and tell the person. Should I have said I wanted more? Sure. I take some blame.

So he recognizes his pattern and is “thinking” about it. Well, guess what? I also recognize my pattern of always being “second” to people. I recognize that I’m the girl I let become a friend with benefits. I recognize I let guys use me in hopes they’ll come to love me and make me a damn priority.

And I’m determined to do better.

So I told him I wasn’t comfortable exploring bdsm with him if it isn’t exclusive. I should have just said “sex” but I didn’t think about it. I mean, we did have sex after all that talking. It was my first time actually getting off with him- although he doesn’t know that. I can’t tell if I fake it really well or if guys literally cannot tell. Actually, I haven’t even tried to fake it with him. I think he just thinks I have due to something he had said once.

He did end up cumming on my face, which was unexpected. I told him he could have warned me. I know a lot of girls saying it’s degrading. So a part of me wanted to be pissed, but the other part of me just didn’t care. I mean a head’s up would have been nice, but I didn’t care. I did go wash my face off immediately though. I’m not a damn pornstar who wets her finger with it and sucks it off.

In the morning, we joked and whatnot. He hugged me tightly, kissed me, and thanked me for coming over.

That was a month ago. He has since initiated texting more in the past month than he has all summer. I would usually text him 1-2 times a week, and he’d text first maybe once a month. Well, since our talk, I refuse to text him anymore- first, that is. He now texts about once a week. And okay, I gave in, and did text him first like twice. And I did invite him to a haunted house with my brother and I, but he declined. I won’t invite him to anything else, or don’t plan on it.

I told him how I felt- I like him. I told him I’m not comfortable doing more if he’s fucking other girls.

He texts more now, but we haven’t hung out. I am perfectly A-Okay. Annoyed I wasted 7 months on him, but I’m good. A shattered heart can’t be broken, right?

Gary Allan and more

So I’m not doing good with this whole blogging thing. I am still journaling pretty regularly and I still write my pen-pals (yes, that is still a thing). I just don’t get on WordPress much anymore.

Anyway.

Lee came with me to see Gary Allan last month. He wasn’t excited about seeing him, because his taste in music apparently doesn’t include Gary Allan. But I was super excited, and I had a lot of fun. I also drank a lot of beer and ended up pretty full of liquid courage.

I convinced him to go to the bar after, because I wanted to do karaoke. On the drive there, I start asking questions. I was in a good mood, super happy and outgoing. Not that I’m not happy, but I’m definitely reserved so I felt like I was probably too much for him. Then decided who cares.

I was asking him how many girls he’s been with, and he tells me I don’t what to know that. I just laugh at him and tell him I do or else I wouldn’t have asked. He says I shouldn’t ask questions like that (but for some reason I always ask…I don’t know why). I start throwing out numbers, and finally he tells me. I’m like okay, are you trying to reach “x” amount?

Then we got into how he lost virginity, because again, I like to know. I’ve been told for being a girl I ask weird questions that most girls don’t want to know. Well, excuse me, but I like to know everything.

Other sexual topics were brought up (threesomes namely) and I told him I’d been invited by at least two different couples but declined because I never found the guy attractive enough.

Like I said, I was pretty tipsy. But finally, something was said, and I was able to throw in “so what are you looking for?” He says “what?” and I reply “by dating…what do you want?”

He informs he doesn’t like that question, and I start laughing and tell him nobody does, but he should answer it. He says I can’t ask him when he’s drunk, so I laugh again and say that’s okay, you can answer it whenever you want…then I look out the window and say but I’ll take it as you’re just looking to hook up.

He said something, but I honestly cannot remember what. He went to hold my hand, fingers lacing with mine. I jokingly pulled my hand free (really in attempts to distance my heart because hand holding is typically more of an intimate “I care about you” thing for me) and tell him “no hand holding” and slap his hand. He slaps my thigh and grabs my hand back and says “I can if I want.” I told my co-worker that and she disapproved. I told her he was playing, just as I was when I slapped his hand. He wasn’t being abusive or a jerk.

Anyway, the subject was dropped, and I started in on something else.

The baby was at her aunt’s, and I didn’t have to get her til the next day, so he stayed the night with me. He had work in the morning, and he works right down from my apartment.

He went down on me that night… I enjoyed it, but at the same time I’d rather do the going down than receive.

In the morning, he kissed my forehead before he left. Why?

We’ve hung out a few other times since, and we have sex every time (although the second to last time we hung out, I turned away from kissing once we got in bed, and he said “No?” and I said no. And he just cuddled me, nothing more. Until I decided I did want sex and climbed on top of him. But the fact he didn’t push me was cool.). But we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie first. Yeah, we actually watch an entire movie. Clayton and I always ended up having sex. Not that I minded. But I also don’t mind watching the movie first either.

I’ve stayed the night at his place a couple more times. More cuddling, then sex, and then we talk and eventually pass out. He doesn’t hold me like Clayton did after, but he does typically keep a hand on my leg.

And each morning, he gives me a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. He even offered to take a look at my car for me one evening when he gets off, saying I can bring it by the shop. I was only asking him his opinion, not at all trying to get him to offer any physical help. The whole mood changed in the room, it was weird. So when he offered (his tone changed a little, too), I got super awkward and said “you don’t have to do that.”  He hesitated a moment and said, “You live right down from my work. And besides, it’s not a big deal.”

I sat there quietly and finally say “Okay. Thanks.” And quickly change the subject.

So there’s that. I refuse to believe he’s falling for me…I still believe I’m just a girl he’s playing with until he finds someone better. Not that I hold myself in super low esteem, it’s just my pattern, I’ve noticed. I go for the unavailable guys.

I’m still exercising 3-4 times a week, with seemingly no results. It’s frustrating but I’m trying not to give up.

A real good spanking

Lee and I ended up texting, which then turned to sexting. And the following morning he sends me a text wanna come hang tonight and get tied up?

Well, that sounds enticing! I told him I’d try to get a babysitter. Because I make poor decisions sometimes. And damn it, I wanted sex!

My older sister agreed to keep the baby for me, and I let him know.

The first hour we’re outside while he’s moving his cars around, then we head in, and he takes a shower. I lay on the couch and watch TV. He joins me shortly later and we cuddle. He starts kissing me, stroking my side.

I’ve been strapped down once years ago and it was hot. Even being pinned down is hot. I love it. So when he said let’s head to the bedroom, I got up real quick.

In his room, the lights are off but the two reading lamps on his bed were on casting a dim glow. We kiss, he grabs my ass. I run my hands over his sexy shoulders. Then in a quiet voice, he demands I give him head.

I considered saying no, but I haven’t given head in forever, and I enjoy it. So I dropped to my knees and did his bidding. I couldn’t quite fit all his length in my mouth, although he demanded it, and I tried.

He makes me stand up, and lays me on my belly on the bed, and slaps my ass. He grabs his spanking whip and tells me since it’s my first time, he’ll go easy on me. He slaps, caresses, slaps. Each time getting harder. But never hard enough.

Then he fucks me.

After we’re done, we lay in bed for a bit talking about our jobs. Not very romantic, but I swear he talks after so the chance to have “the talk” doesn’t come up. And he never did tie me up…which left me slightly disappointed.

He finally gets up to let his dog inside. I dress and go downstairs. He watches a movie, and I look at the time. Getting late, almost 11:30 and I still have a 30 minute drive to my sister’s and another 15 to my place.

I go to the bathroom, come back, and while putting my shoes on, say it’s time for me to go. By the way he looks at me, I think he expected me to stay the night. He says “what” and I’m like I have to go get the baby.

He gets up and walks me to the door, and hugs me. And plants a kiss on my forehead.

What?

So this happened

The same summer I met Clayton, I met this other hot guy. I always referred to him as Motorcycle guy. But I met Clayton first, and at that time, if I had sex with someone, I pretty much became closed off to other guys.

Had Motorcycle guy pursued me, I think I would have ended up with him. But he didn’t, and I stayed with, and came to love, Clayton.

Very randomly, we’d chat. And every time, he would surprise me at the stuff he remembered I had said. Like, seriously? Sweet!

Well, on the 4th I messaged him on Facebook. Because I always wish him a happy 4th- not sure why. He responded, and asked for my number. I gave it. And we started texting, and he said we should hangout. I was excited, not gonna lie.

Being excited to see him? That sort of bothered me…. I haven’t been excited to see anyone since Clayton died. I looked forward to hanging out with Lee, but I wasn’t excited to see him.

Motorcycle guy came over to my place and we went swimming. My baby went to bed after, and we watched Netflix. I had work in the morning, and it just kept getting later and later. And he wasn’t leaving. I finally said I am so tired, and he just gets comfy on my pull out couch bed.

He had been drinking a lot, but we didn’t talk about him staying. I let him, though. By that point it was nearly midnight and I had to be up at 6.

Well he starts lightly touching my abdomen, my side, up to my boobs. I love the gentle touches on my body, and in the past, those touches would turn me on. Since Clayton died, they don’t effect me. I feel like if I was a guy, I wouldn’t even be able to get hard and even have sex. But I’m not a guy and can have sex even without being aroused.

His touch did something to me. The most anything has. Then we started kissing, and he went to touch me under my shorts. I said no, that I need sleep. He immediately stopped, and I went to sleep.

Well, that time I kissed Lee and he stroked my face/hair- that was pretty hot. Did a little something to me, but I felt really weird about kissing and couldn’t stop thinking about Clayton.

Motorcycle guy texted me later that day, and today, too. Lee texted me today, too. I was surprised to see him pop up on my screen. I responded. We went back and forth for a little bit.

I don’t know how interested Motorcycle guy is. But I have always liked him. And I think he must like me too. Especially since he still remembers so much of the shit I’ve told him.

Only took three years, but I’ve finally kissed him! Too bad I don’t really feel anything anymore.